The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success That Feeds--Not Crushes--Your Soul

by Brad Stulberg

Accept Where You Are to Get You Where You Want to Go. Seeing clearly, accepting, and starting where you are. Not where you want to be. Not where you think you should be. Not where other people think you should be. But where you are. Be Present So You Can Own Your Attention and Energy. Being present, both physically and mentally, for what is in front of you. Spending more time fully in this life, not in thoughts about the past or future. Be Patient and You’ll Get There Faster. Giving things time and space to unfold. Not trying to escape life by moving at warp speed. Not expecting instant results and then quitting when they don’t occur. Shifting from being a seeker to a practitioner. Playing the long game. Staying on the path instead of constantly veering off.

Move Your Body to Ground Your Mind. Regularly moving your body so that you fully inhabit it, connect it to your mind, and as a result become more firmly situated wherever you are.

“If you want to garden, you have to bend down and touch the soil. Gardening is a practice. Not an idea.”

Accept what is happening without fusing your identity to it. Zoom out to a larger perspective or awareness from which you can observe your situation without feeling like you are trapped in it.

Choose how you want to move forward in a way that aligns with your innermost values. Take action, even if doing so feels scary or uncomfortable.

“What progress have I made?” wrote the Stoic philosopher Seneca, some two thousand years ago. “I am beginning to be my own friend. That is progress indeed. Such a person will never be alone, and you may be sure he is a friend of all.”

Shift from an internal dialogue of I shouldn’t be in this situation to I wish I wasn’t in this situation; from I should be going about this differently to I want to be going about this differently. Language shapes reality, and these subtle shifts go a long way toward eliminating guilt, shame, and judgment and fostering self-compassion instead.

mood follows action.

Thousands of years ago, the Stoic philosopher Seneca warned against getting caught in a cycle of “busy idleness,” or as he said, “all this dashing about that a great many people indulge in . . . always giving the impression of being busy [while not really doing anything at all].”

Research increasingly shows that what is important doesn’t necessarily get our attention, but what gets our attention becomes important.

An easy way to do this, one that I often use with my coaching clients, is by journaling. Spend a minute or two jotting down a few words to describe your fully present experience. The more you reflect on and internalize how it feels to be fully present, the less likely you’ll be to give in to distractions.

“What all of this leads to is being able to see as much of the world as possible, but you need time to see the world. You so need time. And you don’t want to cultivate things that rob you of time.”

If you feel like you are all alone, remind yourself that you are not. Give others the chance to be vulnerable by being vulnerable yourself. Remember that vulnerability doesn’t come from trust—trust comes from vulnerability.

Aristotle wasn’t the only ancient wisdom thinker who would have offered this advice for our modern situation. “If you consort with someone covered in dirt you can hardly avoid getting a little grimy yourself,” wrote the Stoic philosopher Epictetus in a two-thousand-year-old

year-old warning about being around assholes.

“Stop trying not to lose. Play to win.”

As a good friend of mine once said, stop trying to win at your hobby. (movement)

Acceptance: When I catch myself desperately wanting something in my life to be different, I’ll pause and ask myself what advice I’d give a friend if they were in the same situation. Then, I’ll follow that advice. When I know I will be in a tricky situation for reasons outside my control, I’ll step back and evaluate my expectations. If they are unrealistically high, and thus I am constantly falling short and feeling disappointed, I’ll change them.

Presence: Instead of checking email or scrolling on social media, I’ll meditate every morning before I brush my teeth. I’ll use the Insight Timer app, starting with five minutes

adding one minute each week until I reach fifteen minutes. At that point, I’ll reevaluate this practice. Patience: I’ll practice three-by-five breathing before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If I am out with friends or colleagues, I can explain the practice to them, or if I don’t feel comfortable, I will take those meals off. Vulnerability: When my romantic partner or a good friend asks me how I am doing, I will not always say that I am feeling good. If I am feeling sad or scared I will tell them. When I feel uncomfortable and am by myself, I’ll stop running away from those feelings and instead create a safe space to explore them, even if this means reaching out to someone for help. Deep community: I’ll start a group that meets monthly to discuss books like this one (more on this later). I’ll stop using social media on my phone because it provides easy access to the addictive type of shallow community and releva...