The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success That Feeds--Not Crushes--Your Soul

by Brad Stulberg

when we confront our fears we develop deeper trust and confidence within ourselves, and we also forge connections with others. By opening up to and exploring our cracks we become more solid. Vulnerability—the root of which, vulnus, literally means “wound”—requires strength. And strength requires vulnerability.

when someone spends too much time playing their front stage self, particularly when there is a wide gap between their front stage and backstage selves, distress usually follows.

“Vulnerability is not a weakness, a passing indisposition, or something we can arrange to do without,” writes Whyte. “Vulnerability is not a choice. Vulnerability is the underlying, ever-present, and abiding undercurrent of our natural state. To run from vulnerability is to run from the essence of our nature.”

The stories of Kevin Love, DeMar DeRozan, and Sara Bareilles teach us that we are all perfectly imperfect, even those of us who appear rock solid and successful. We are all just doing the best we can, and in many ways making it up as we go.

If anyone says or comes across like they have everything figured out, that’s generally a good sign to run in the other direction.

“Sharing the truth of my own pain and vulnerability could also create a vehicle for connection with others.”

So well said. The fact that I started sharing my vulnerabilities and started opening about it with my team members. It created a connection between a team members we started opening and the trust level improved.

Researchers at the University of Mannheim, in Germany, conducted a series of seven experiments in which they had adult participants share information about themselves with one another at varying levels of vulnerability. They repeatedly found that the individual doing the sharing felt that their vulnerability would be perceived as weak, as a negative. But the person on the other end of the conversation, the listener, felt the exact opposite: the more vulnerable the sharer was, the more courageous they perceived him or her to be. The listener viewed vulnerability as an unambiguously positive trait.

Deep down on the inside, most everyone dislikes pretending that they have everything together. No one does, and keeping up the act is exhausting. When you let your guard down and get real, others don’t view you as weak. Rather, they are relieved. They think: Finally, someone who isn’t faking it. Someone who is more like me. They gain the permission and confidence to stop their own tiring act of perfection and start revealing their cracks instead. As this cycle intensifies—one vulnerable offering leading to another—tight bonds of trust and connection are forged. In this way, when you are vulnerable it doesn’t just remove your shackles. It removes the shackles from those around you, too. The result is more freedom and trust, which supports better, more nourishing, and more effective relationships.

“When you are content to simply be yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”

psychological safety.

PRACTICE: DEVELOP EMOTIONAL FLEXIBILITY Throughout your day, pay attention and see if you find yourself regularly running away from certain thoughts, feelings, or situations.

emotional flexibility,

Dale if the same might be true for the thousands of people in his organization. Might they trust him more if they knew he was real? Might he trust himself more if he could be real? The next time he spoke to a large group, he opened by saying something along the lines of: “I’m not really sure how I got into this role and at times I feel like I am in over my head, but I’m doing the best that I can. Let me tell you about how I’m doing just that and then open myself up to all of your ideas so I—so we—can do even better.”

PRACTICE: REMIND YOURSELF THAT EVERYONE IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING

Remember that vulnerability doesn’t come from trust—trust comes from vulnerability.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON VULNERABILITY

Vulnerability also builds trust with others, but only if it is authentic and raw, not performative.

Loneliness is associated with elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol, poor sleep quality, an increased risk for heart disease and stroke, accelerated cognitive decline, heightened systemic inflammation, reduced immune function, anxiety, and depression. Researchers from Brigham Young University put all of this together for a comprehensive study that followed more than 300,000 people for an average of 7.5 years. They learned that the mortality risks associated with loneliness exceed those associated with obesity and physical inactivity and are comparable to those associated with smoking.

“We are asking one person to give us what once an entire village of people used to provide,” she says. “It’s crushing us. It puts way too many expectations [on the relationship].” Yes, humans evolved to bond with intimate others, but we also evolved to belong to communities. Our ability to survive, let alone thrive, relies upon being members of a tribe. Asking ourselves or just one other person to fulfill all of our needs is impractical and unwise.

DEEP COMMUNITY IS A BASIC HUMAN NEED

Junger’s observation of soldiers aligns with decades of research conducted on the fundamental elements that drive human motivation, satisfaction, and fulfillment.

self-determination theory,

Autonomy, or the ability to have at least some control over how we spend our time and energy. Competence, or a path toward tangible improvement in our chosen pursuits. Relatedness, or a sense of connection and belonging.

Baboons who were socially isolated, meanwhile, experienced a greater rate of illness and often showed behaviors that look similar to human distress.

When you put all of this together it becomes clear that community and belonging are not “nice to haves” or ancillary elements of our existence. Rather, they are central to our essence, to our ability to be well and thrive. It is in our DNA.

John Cacioppo’s research shows that when you are connected to others you not only feel good but you also feel secure. Likewise, you don’t just feel bad when you are isolated, but you also feel insecure. While you may not actually be physically threatened when you are alone, your mind-body system, programmed by millennia of evolution, starts to fire warning signals. This is precisely why loneliness is associated with elevated stress hormones, high blood pressure, and poor sleep quality. In many ways, loneliness can look a lot like anxiety.

Here’s how this works. When you start to experience chronic loneliness, your baseline perception of threat increases. Think back to evolution: if you didn’t have a group surrounding you, the pressure to stay safe and secure would fall solely on your shoulders. You’d constantly be scanning for danger, perhaps even forgoing sleep. Unfortunately, someone who feels constantly under threat and is worried about themselves has a harder time being empathetic toward and connecting with others. This initiates a vicious cycle, causing even more loneliness.

Erich Fromm, in his 1955 book The Sane Society, warned against developing a marketing orientation: “[When someone’s] body, mind, and soul are his capital, and his task in life is to invest it favorably, to make a profit of himself. Human qualities like friendliness, courtesy, kindness, are transformed into commodities, into assets of the ‘personality package,’ conducive to a higher price on the personality market.

Friendships based on utility, or those in which one or both of the parties gain something as a result of the friendship. This is akin to the modern “networking” enterprise, or becoming friends with someone primarily because you think they can help you.

Friendships based on pleasure, or those centered around pleasant experiences. These are the people with whom you have an enjoyable and carefree time.

Friendships based on virtue, or those in which both individuals share the same values. These are bonds with people you admire and respect, with whom you align on what you find most important in life.

Braintrust

In an organizational setting, the higher up the ladder you are, the more important developing a Braintrust becomes. It is lonely at the top, and having other people to work with and support you is essential. Even more important is receiving candid feedback. Out of a fear, whether perceived or actual, of upsetting their leader, subordinates often hesitate to raise concerns or provide negative feedback. The most important people in a leader’s orbit are those who are comfortable doing the opposite—challenging the leader and pointing out problems before they explode.

Catmull suggests a few guiding principles for creating a Braintrust. They hold true in both professional and personal contexts: Include only individuals whom you trust and who you are confident can be completely honest with you—even, and perhaps especially, if that means telling you things that you don’t want to hear. Include people who are solutions-oriented. The goal isn’t just to point out problems, but to come up with solutions and a viable path forward. Include those who have been there before. Surround yourself with people who have experience in what you are going through. Out of this experience comes knowledge and, equally important, empathy.

Include only individuals whom you trust and who you are confident can be completely honest with you—even, and perhaps especially, if that means telli...

Include people who are solutions-oriented. The goal isn’t just to point out problems, but to come up with solu...

Include those who have been there before. Surround yourself with people who have experience in what you are going through. Out of this experience comes ...

acceptance, presence, patience, vulnerability, and deep community.

When I began training for marathons, a more experienced runner offered some words of wisdom: I would need to learn how to get

comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Physical activity teaches you how to accept something for what it is, see it clearly, and then decide what to do next.

A study published in the British Journal of Health Psychology found that college students who went from not exercising at all to even a modest program of two to three gym visits per week reported a decrease in stress, smoking, and alcohol and caffeine consumption, and an increase in healthy eating and better spending and study habits.

pushing through the discomfort associated with exercise—saying yes when their bodies and minds were telling them to say no—taught the students to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of difficulty.

Researchers at the Karlsruhe Institute of Technology, in Germany, divided students into two groups at the beginning of the semester and instructed half to run twice a week for

twenty weeks. At the end of the twenty weeks, which coincided with a particularly stressful time for the students—exams—the researchers had them wear monitors throughout their day-to-day activities to measure their heart-rate variability, which is a common indicator of physiological stress. As you might expect, the students who were enrolled in the running program showed more favorable heart-rate variability. Their bodies literally were not as stressed during exams. Perhaps instead of fighting the pressure surrounding exams, they were more accepting of it and thus less unsettled.

What’s encouraging about these studies is that the subjects weren’t exercising at heroic intensities or volumes. They were simply doing something that was physically challenging ...

“keystone habit,”

There are many roads to Rome, but you’ll only get there if you don’t constantly veer off the route you chose.

Research shows that regular physical activity increases creative thinking and problem solving, improves mood and emotional control, enhances focus and energy, and promotes quality sleep.

Serotonin influences mood, norepinephrine heightens perception, and dopamine regulates attention and satisfaction.