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January 28 - March 1, 2023
We need to stop spending so much time worrying about our metaphorical overstory, our high-hanging branches, and instead focus on nourishing our deep and internal roots. The stuff that keeps us grounded throughout all kinds of weather. The foundation. The principles and practices that we often overlook, that get crowded out in a too-busy life focused on the relentless and all-too-often single-minded pursuit of outward achievement.
Groundedness is unwavering internal strength and self-confidence that sustains you through ups and downs. It is a deep reservoir of integrity and fortitude, of wholeness, out of which lasting performance, well-being, and fulfillment emerge.
Studies show that happiness is a function of reality minus expectations. In other words, the key to being happy isn’t to always want and strive for more. Instead, happiness is found in the present moment, in creating a meaningful life and being fully engaged in it, right here and right now.
“The deeper and lower the ground, the higher and more immeasurable is the elevation and the height.”
Accept Where You Are to Get You Where You Want to Go. Seeing clearly, accepting, and starting where you are. Not where you want to be. Not where you think you should be. Not where other people think you should be. But where you are. Be Present So You Can Own Your Attention and Energy. Being present, both physically and mentally, for what is in front of you. Spending more time fully in this life, not in thoughts about the past or future. Be Patient and You’ll Get There Faster. Giving things time and space to unfold. Not trying to escape life by moving at warp speed. Not expecting instant
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“If you want to garden, you have to bend down and touch the soil. Gardening is a practice. Not an idea.”
Instead of accepting this truth, when things don’t go our way we tend to default to magical thinking, convincing ourselves we’re in a better place than we are. Social scientists call this motivated reasoning, or our propensity not to see things clearly but instead to reason our way into seeing things as we’d like them to be.
We expect things to get better without ever acknowledging or accepting our true starting point.
The first principle of groundedness is acceptance. Progress in anything, large or small, requires recognizing, accepting, and starting where you are. Not where you want to be. Not where you think you should be. Not where others think you should be. But where you are.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Accept what is happening without fusing your identity to it. Zoom out to a larger perspective or awareness from which you can observe your situation without feeling like you are trapped in it.
Choose how you want to move forward in a way that aligns with your innermost values.
Take action, even if doing so feels scary or uncomfortable.
Contrary to modern times, where the cult of positive thinking dominates and we’re bombarded with messages like, If you’re not always happy and crushing it, then you’re doing it wrong, the Stoics had a more honest and psychologically sound view of life. It’s completely normal to feel stress. It’s completely normal to find ourselves in unappealing circumstances. This doesn’t mean you are broken. It means you are human. The more you fear, deny, or resist problems, pain, and difficult circumstances—from minor annoyances to major disturbances—the worse off you’ll be. The more you focus on what you
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Without acceptance, we risk running around in circles, not really working on the things we need to be working on, never making progress. Not accepting our reality causes us to feel tenuous and unsteady, like we’re never really on solid ground. It prevents us from achieving our potential, too.
Numerous studies show that individuals who react to challenging situations with self-compassion respond better than those who judge themselves harshly. The logic behind this is straightforward: if you judge yourself, you’re liable to feel shame or guilt, and it is often this shame or guilt that keeps you trapped in your undesirable situation, preventing you from taking productive action. If, on the other hand, you can muster up kindness toward yourself, you gain the strength to move forward in a meaningful manner.
“This is what is happening right now. I’m doing the best I can.”
Here’s how the pieces come together: Accept where you are. This is often the hardest part of getting where you want to go. Use the lens of a wise observer to see your situation clearly without becoming fused to it. If your situation and your awareness of your situation begin to collapse on each other, pause, realize what is happening, take a few deep breaths, and zoom back out to gain space. If you start judging yourself or your situation harshly, or find yourself spiraling into rumination, try to practice self-compassion. This is what is happening right now. I’m doing the best I can. Once you
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Researchers from Harvard found that when people are fully present for their activities, they are much happier and more fulfilled than when they’re thinking about something else.
The second principle of groundedness is presence. It is about being fully here for what is in front of you. Presence is a concentrated quality of mind that lends itself to strength and stability.
When you are fully present for what is in front of you, you become more likely to enter flow, a state in which you are completely absorbed in an activity—be
In flow, your perceptions of time and space are altered. You enter what is colloquially referred to as “the zone.” Decades of psychological research show that people perform best and feel best when they enter this state. A critical precondition for flow is the elimination of distractions so that you can focus completely on whatever it is you are doing.
People often think about the number of years in their lives. But perhaps more important is the amount of life, the amount of presence, in those years.
Getting upstream of tempting distractions is a two-step process: identify times when you want to engage in deep-focus work or fully present play and connection, and then eliminate distractions prior to those times. Block off periods on your calendar for full presence, or make them part of your regular routine. Knowing what you are going to do in these blocks ahead of time is key. Without this step of planning and intentionality, distraction too easily encroaches upon presence. Have a plan in place for where you’ll store your digital devices and how you’ll eliminate other distractions. Remember
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“Your work is simply seeing and letting go, seeing and letting go, sometimes ruthlessly and relentlessly if need be . . . Just seeing and letting go, seeing and letting be,” writes the meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn.
“Distractions are really paper tigers. They have no power of their own. They need to be fed constantly, or else they die.” The latest science agrees. Studies show that attention is like a muscle. Paying attention now strengthens your ability to pay attention in the future. Likewise, getting caught up in distraction now makes it more likely you’ll do so in the future.
“If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life.”
Being present isn’t just about being grounded in the here and now—that is, not being pushed and pulled around by endless distractions—but also about laying a foundation for the future. Presence allows you to actively direct your own personal evolution instead of going wherever the current takes you. It ensures that you are engaged in meaningful productive activity instead of thoughtless and inertia-driven productivity.
The third principle of groundedness is patience. Patience neutralizes our inclination to hurry, rush, and overemphasize acute situations in favor of playing the long game. In doing so, it lends itself to stability, strength, and lasting progress.
“Many people think of excitement as happiness. They are thinking of something, or expecting something that they consider to be happiness, and for them, that is already happiness. But when you are excited you are not peaceful. True happiness is based on peace.”
The fourth principle of groundedness is vulnerability. It is about being honest with yourself and others, even—and especially—when that means confronting perceived weaknesses and fears.
The things you care about make you vulnerable. The things you care about break your heart.
“When you are content to simply be yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”
The fifth principle of groundedness is deep community.
“If you’re lonely at the top, you’re doing it wrong. High performers focus on pulling others up. They are generous as they rise and create a tribe.”
Acceptance, presence, patience, and especially vulnerability help to create and sustain deep community. In turn, deep community becomes the supportive space for all the other principles to flourish.
The sixth principle of groundedness is movement. Movement promotes generalized well-being, strength, and stability—not just in body but also in mind.
The work of Stanford researcher BJ Fogg demonstrates that successful habits have three qualities: they have an impact, you possess the skill and ability to do them, and they are behaviors that you actually want to do.
