The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success That Feeds--Not Crushes--Your Soul

by Brad Stulberg

I’ve come to call this heroic individualism: an ongoing game of one-upmanship, against both yourself and others, paired with the limiting belief that measurable achievement is the only arbiter of success. Even if you do a good job hiding it on the outside, with heroic individualism you chronically feel like you never quite reach the finish line that is lasting fulfillment.

We need to stop spending so much time worrying about our metaphorical overstory, our high-hanging branches, and instead focus on nourishing our deep and internal roots. The stuff that keeps us grounded throughout all kinds of weather. The foundation. The principles and practices that we often overlook, that get crowded out in a too-busy life focused on the relentless and all-too-often single-minded pursuit of outward achievement.

Groundedness is unwavering internal strength and self-confidence that sustains you through ups and downs. It is a deep reservoir of integrity and fortitude, of wholeness, out of which lasting performance, well-being, and fulfillment emerge.

Studies show that happiness is a function of reality minus expectations. In other words, the key to being happy isn’t to always want and strive for more. Instead, happiness is found in the present moment, in creating a meaningful life and being fully engaged in it, right here and right now.

Wise action is very different from our default mode of reaction. Whereas reaction is rushed and rash, wise action is deliberate and considerate. Wise action emerges from internal strength, from groundedness.

I just wrote something similar in my journal around intentional action.

Accept Where You Are to Get You Where You Want to Go. Seeing clearly, accepting, and starting where you are. Not where you want to be. Not where you think you should be. Not where other people think you should be. But where you are.

Be Present So You Can Own Your Attention and Energy. Being present, both physically and mentally, for what is in front of you. Spending more time fully in this life, not in thoughts about the past or future.

Be Patient and You’ll Get There Faster. Giving things time and space to unfold. Not trying to escape life by moving at warp speed. Not expecting instant results and then quitting when they don’t occur. Shifting from being a seeker to a practitioner. Playing the long game. Staying on the path instead of constantly veering off.

Embrace Vulnerability to Develop Genuine Strength and Confidence. Showing up authentically. Being real with yourself and with others. Eliminating the cognitive dissonance between your workplace self, your online self, and your actual self so that you can know and trust your true self, and in turn gain the freedom and confidence to devote your energy to what matters most.

Build Deep Community. Nurturing genuine connection and belonging. Prioritizing not just productivity, but people, too. Immersing yourself in supportive spaces that will hold and bolster you through ups and downs, an...

Move Your Body to Ground Your Mind. Regularly moving your body so that you fully inhabit it, connect it to your mind, and as a result become...

“If you want to garden, you have to bend down and touch the soil. Gardening is a practice. Not an idea.”

The first principle of groundedness is acceptance. Progress in anything, large or small, requires recognizing, accepting, and starting where you are. Not where you want to be. Not where you think you should be. Not where others think you should be. But where you are.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Accept what is happening without fusing your identity to it. Zoom out to a larger perspective or awareness from which you can observe your situation without feeling like you are trapped in it. Choose how you want to move forward in a way that aligns with your innermost values. Take action, even if doing so feels scary or uncomfortable.

ACT

Taking actions that align with your values—regardless of how you are feeling—is often the catalyst for your situation to improve.

What is happening right now is what is happening right now. You might as well accept it, because you’re as ready as you’re going to be.

The Stoics wrote that lasting satisfaction arises when one’s attention is fully absorbed in their work or conversation. In ancient Greece, a primary moral virtue was arête, or excellence via the application of complete presence in one’s craft.

Many of the findings are what you’d expect: don’t drink too much, don’t smoke, exercise often, eat a nutritious diet, maintain a healthy body weight, and keep learning.

What is love—be it for a person, for a pursuit, or for life itself—if not presence, if not resounding attention and caring? When we are fully present, we enter a sacred space, one where the philosopher and aikido master George Leonard said “God lives.”

It is what Donna and I came to refer to as the difference between making things happen and letting things happen, the difference between stepping in and exerting your will and stepping back and allowing things to unfold on their own time.

The third principle of groundedness is patience. Patience neutralizes our inclination to hurry, rush, and overemphasize acute situations in favor of playing the long game. In doing so, it lends itself to stability, strength, and lasting progress.

Instead of always thinking, Don’t just stand there, do something, we should at least consider thinking, Don’t just do something, stand there.

The truth about progress is this: when you don’t rush the process, when you take small and consistent steps over time, you give yourself the best chance to end up with massive gains.

You don’t become what you think. You become what you do.

Put more simply, experiencing cognitive dissonance is often a sign that you need to better align your being and your doing.

A theme across all of Neff’s research is that being kind to yourself in the midst of struggle and hardship gives you the resilience that you need to thrive.