He Who Fights with Monsters 2 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #2)

by Shirtaloon

“Kicking a guy in the beans and then running for it is not fighting.” “It got me this far.”

“What is going on here?” he asked. “Jason, what did you do?” “Why do you assume it was me?” “Was it you?” “Well, yes, but where’s the faith?”

“Do you have to go home, or do you have some time for a debonair gentleman caller?” “Oh, you have some questions to answer,” she said. “You’ll be answering them now.” “I’m an open book,” Jason said. “Come along, slave girl.” “I’m not your slave!” “She’s a rental,” Jason said as they started extricating themselves from the busy marshalling yard. “Six-month lease.” “You didn’t rent me!” “I have a receipt.” “It’s an indenture contract.” “Why do you even have an indentured servant?” Cassandra asked. “Well, you know how you said I should catch that thief?”

“Maybe if you ever read a book that went three pages without the phrase ‘glistening thighs,’ I wouldn’t have to dumb it down so much.”

“Jason's powers are alternately deceitful and flashy, leading to a miserable, inexorable demise,” Rufus said. “There's a recording floating around of him maniacally tormenting a group of powerful adventurers as he brings them prolonged, horrifying deaths.” Everyone turned to look at Jason. “It was in a mirage chamber,” he said. “None of them actually died.”

“I just remembered,” he said. “Not sure if anyone mentioned, but one of the perks of having a full essence set is you don’t have to poo anymore.”

“I’m changing my answer,” Emir said, breaking the silence. “I’ve just now known him long enough to realise I absolutely do not understand him at all.”

“I wake up every morning, proud of who I am,” he told them. “I go out into the world, never regretting that I didn’t at least try and be the person I want to be. I face dangers and make mistakes. Sometimes I get beat, and sometimes I win. I stand up for what I believe in, whatever it costs me. When you give everything, you have to be who you want to be, that’s freedom, whatever your circumstances.”

better if you have killed someone stupid.

He has a way of intuiting what people want and becoming that. A social chameleon.

“Oh, it wasn’t just love,” Jason said. “It was eighties power-ballad love.”

I’ve known her for most of my life and there’s no one I understand better. She was absolutely worth falling in love with,

“You’re going to miss me, Cassandra Mercer.” “I know.”

“It turns out the nighttime was inside me all along.”

“If your goddess is willing to hand over such information, then by what moral stricture does she not? Instead, she looks to ransom a man’s principles. You just tried to turn me on my friend, a man who saved my life, and you have the gall to lay there looking surprised? If you want to help me, then help me. Bring your self-serving ways to me again and you’ll get worse than you got today.”

“You should always welcome being proven wrong,” Jason said. “It means your understanding of the world just got a little bit better.”

You’re forming a team with my son, right?” “We’ve never really discussed it.” “Well, now you don’t need to,” Danielle said. “I’m going to have you looked into and if everything checks out, you’ll be part of my boy’s team.” “I don’t think you get to decide that,” Clive said uncertainly. “We get to form our own teams.” “Don’t be silly,” Danielle said. “Of course I get to decide that. Now, wait here while I go find Rick.”

“I’m not lying,” Jason said. “I definitely didn’t get woozy after the fight from teleporting too much while hungover and hit my head on a log.”

“Money and power are great,” Jason said. “Anything you want to get, they can give you. Anything you want to do, they can let you. But you have to want things worth having and want to do things worth doing. Money and power have to be a means, not an end, or you'll lead a joyless life.”

“Never have sex in a hammock,” Jason advised. “It seems like it would be awesome, but it’s actually quite troublesome.” “It just takes practise,” Humphrey said offhandedly, earning a wide-eyed look from Jason. “What?” Humphrey asked.

“You need to get control of your familiar,” Clive said. “You aren’t in any more control of your familiar,” Humphrey said. “It’s just so slow that you can’t tell it’s running away.”

“If I drown him out here,” she asked them, “would you two back me up and say it was an accident?” “Absolutely,” Clive said. “Someone was going to do it sooner or later,” Humphrey agreed.

“It’s nice that you made a friend but you’re meant to be fighting her,” he told Sophie. “I’m new at this,” Sophie said. “I was waiting for a big strong man to save me.” “Is that right?” he asked. “It is,” Sophie said. “If you could go get Humphrey, that would be great.” “Well, that’s just hurtful,” Jason said. “You know I’m still here, right?” Phoebe said. “I suppose we should deal with you,” Jason said. “Oh, you’re going to deal with me, are you?”

Dustin’s scream came to an end at the same time his fall did.

I’m going to do what I should have done when I first met the guy and let it go.” “That’s a mature attitude,” Vincent said. “I’m still going to make fun of him though,” Jason said. “A lot. That guy sucks.” “That’s slightly less mature,” Vincent said, “but I’ll take it.”

“You!” Gabriel said, pointing at Jason, making Emir laugh all the harder.

A sufficiently skilled astral magic specialist will know exactly how to use it.” * * * “So, what can you use it for?” Jason asked. “No idea,” Clive said. “Really?” Jason asked. “I figured you’d take one look at it and be all ‘yeah, now we can give ‘em a good ol’ kick in the beans!’” “You thought I’d say that?” “You say that kind of thing all the time.” “I’ve never said anything like that in my entire life.”

I’m not going to let it park a hand up my bunghole and wave me about like a rakishly handsome sock puppet.”

“Is that what female leonids look like? I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me.” “What are you talking about?” Neil asked. “I don’t like what’s happening in my head,” Jason said. “Am I a furry now? I don’t want to be a furry.” “Why would you be furry?” Clive asked. “I’m not above exploring new things,” Jason said. “I just don’t have time to work on the costumes. Making them, cleaning them, dear gods. Maybe Jory has something that could help.”

“I’ve totally filled out. I used to be way skinnier than this.” “You did? Do come from a race of twig people?” “No!” “You seem very defensive,” she said. “You’re a twig person, aren’t you?” “I’m not a twig person! I’m a regular person!”

“What the heck is that?” Beth asked. “That’s Jason’s ability,” Sophie said. “He gets free stuff for doing what he was going to do anyway. It’s basically a scam.”

The afflictions you fed it were like trying to turn the sea yellow by taking a sneaky wee in it.

“I kind of just wanted to sleep,” Beth said. “I think everyone just wanted to sleep,” Humphrey said. “So why are we having a party?” “We were outvoted by Jason and the prince.” “How do two people outvote twenty-nine?” “I’m not sure,” Humphrey said, “but I think we may need to keep those two apart.”

“Well, of course I’m doing that,” Jason said. “I’m not a scrub.”

He conjured his cloak to hide the idiotic grin so wide he felt it trying to unhinge the top of his head.

“Look at that,” Jason said. “Neil really is an elf.” “Shut up, Asano.”

“Trauma is not an excuse to hurt other people,”

“A rather odd young man once told me that friends don’t count favours.”

“Does anyone have any crystal wash?” they heard a voice calling out. “Everywhere seems to be sold out, all of a sudden.” Jason looked a little shifty on hearing that and did his best to continue shopping nonchalantly.

“Your mum understands me.”

A grin teased the corners of Humphrey’s mouth. “You shouldn’t be talking about my mother.”