More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Nic Saluppo
Read between
February 11 - February 20, 2025
The crush-the-other-person style of communication creates resentment, which eats away at relationships like a parasite.
When you tell someone they always do something or never do something, what’s the response you’re going to get? Defensiveness and arguing. Every. Single. Time.
It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to be mean, rude, or disrespectful when you feel frustrated. Second, use the term when. “When you leave your clothes on the floor, I feel upset.” This is not an insult or an accusation. It’s in the same category as, “When I put on a sweater, I feel warm.” There’s nothing to debate, argue, or defend. It’s simply your experience of the situation.
Remember, your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation. Whenever either individual wins at the expense of the other partner, the relationship as a whole loses. If the relationship as a whole loses, then you lose, too.
Your partner needs their perspective acknowledged and validated, not obliterated.
If your partner says, “Well, you shouldn’t feel angry,” respond with, “That’s how I feel. And before we can discuss different perspectives, I’m asking you to acknowledge that I do feel angry. You don’t have to agree with my reasons for feeling angry, but I do need you to acknowledge that it’s the way I’m feeling right now.”
You may not have realized that communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. It’s not your partner’s job to bring that out of you, but it is their job to not judge or shame you when you do it. I can’t tell you the number of people who hold the belief that when they find the “right” person, that person will instinctively tend to their feelings and thoughts, relieving them of having to communicate them. Such a partner may exist in movies and novels, but I’ve yet to see a healthy, happy relationship where both partners weren’t taking responsibility for their own communication.
To make things easy on yourself, tell your partner, “I want to say something, but this is challenging for me.” Now, you’ve opened the door to a discussion. This is a huge step, and infinitely better than avoiding the subject completely.
If your partner tries squelching or minimizing your feelings, say, “These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable for both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”
For example, when you say, “I feel like you don’t care about me,” no feeling was mentioned, as “you don’t care about me” isn’t a feeling. It’s a thought. Your partner can and will debate this.
For example, what would you prefer your partner say to you, A or B? I feel like you don’t care about me. I have this idea in my mind that you don’t care about me. I’m feeling sad and afraid about that. I’m not saying it’s necessarily true, but it’s what I experience when you say X and do Y.
You’ll discover that communicating is much easier after taking a few moments to self-reflect before verbalizing. Just make sure those few moments don’t turn into weeks, months, and years.
Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel. “I’m sorry I said mean things to you. That was wrong of me,” is an acceptable apology because the person is taking responsibility for what they did, not for how you felt.
The point here is that it’s helpful to talk about your feelings and perceptions about why you feel the way you do with your partner, but it’s not helpful to put the responsibility for the physiological sensations taking place in your body onto them. If you want to get fancy, you can use this formula: When [X], I feel [Y]. Here are a few examples: When [you call me dumb], I feel [angry and sad]. When [you say you’re going to be there and aren’t], I feel [frustrated]. When [you tease me in front of others], I feel [embarrassed and mad]. Add your own here: When [X], I feel [Y].
Forgiveness and trust are not synonymous. You can forgive someone but not trust them again.
Admitting you were wrong doesn’t mean your entire personhood is wrong, or that you don’t deserve to exist.
“Another way to describe the honeymoon phase at the beginning of a marriage is that it’s the phase when couples avoid their problems, sweeping them under the rug.” Eventually, the rug will no longer be able to cover all those problems, and marriage issues will become inevitable.
Closeness and connection are on the other side of the hard discussions. Go through the hard discussions, then experience intimacy. The way to intimacy is through the tough terrain.
You can always forgive a person for wrongdoing, but that doesn’t mean it’s wise to trust them. Building trust with your partner begins by acknowledging when you’ve done or said something wrong. Without this acknowledgment, how is the other person supposed to move forward with you unless they put on a blindfold and just hope for the best? You surely wouldn’t want to just hope for the best, so don’t expect that of your partner.
An apology alone won’t fix a relationship. However, without an apology, there’s no hope for ever fixing a relationship.
An argument isn’t over until apologies have been made and fault has been admitted where appropriate.
Saying “I’m sorry” can be embarrassing and difficult. It’s important, however, because an apology consists of saying those exact words. When you don’t want to admit you’ve done something hurtful and wrong, you say to yourself, I’ll show them I’m sorry through my actions. Okay, that’s good. You can do that in addition to apologizing (not to be confused with saying “I apologize”). This isn’t a one-or-the-other situation.
Next time you say or do something hurtful, put yourself aside for a moment and ask, What would be best for the health and happiness of my our relationship? Make the shift from being me-minded to being relationship-minded.
Apologize is a verb. Saying “I apologize” may be appropriate for minor glitches in a professional setting, but is insufficient when it comes to your intimate relationships. The way to apologize is by saying “I’m sorry.”
It’s human nature to grieve, so you can simply allow your partner to go through it. Be a supporter, not a fixer.
Don’t fix your partner or try to make them stop crying. Put your hand on their back and say, “It’s great you’re letting this out.”
If your partner makes a dramatic shift from being upset with you to suddenly being “over it,” they’ve simply ignored and avoided their upset feelings. This is the worst thing that can happen for you personally because it’s a guarantee that their bitterness and anger will come back to you at some point, and probably sooner rather than later. Your partner can’t shove their feelings down indefinitely; those feelings will need to be dealt with at a later point in time. If they aren’t consciously dealt with now, they will come out in unconscious, unhelpful ways later.
Want to really blow your partner away? Say this: You have the right to be angry and upset with me. I’m not going to try and convince you not to be. You can be angry and upset as long as you want. Just be careful, as you might shock them with those words, especially if your habit until now has been to get them to stop crying or convince them to not be upset with you.
They are allowed to feel how they feel. The sooner you stop telling them to not feel the way they do, the sooner your partner will begin working through the problem.
An immediate shift from upset emotions regarding something hurtful you’ve said or done to being over it does neither you nor the relationship any favors. Those emotions will come back later, so it’s better to process them now.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about deciding what you are and aren’t willing to accept.
Let’s look at another example: “If you yell at me again, I’m removing myself from this conversation.” That’s not a request, it’s a boundary.
This is about deciding what you’re willing to live with, then instituting an action when what you’ve decided you aren’t willing to live with happens again. If you don’t decide what you’re willing to live with, the harmful actions will continue to happen more and more until you’re drowning in toxicity.
Especially if this is your first time setting a boundary, there will be an almost magnetic, uncontrollable need to “be nice” and “do the loving thing” and “show kindness” by not following through. In reality, it’s unkind and unloving to enable someone’s toxic, hurtful behavior. Do the nice thing and follow through on your boundary. It may not feel nice, but it’s the best thing for both them and you.
In your relationship, it’s vital you mutually agree with your partner that disrespect, name-calling, and insults have no place in your interactions. With that being said, mistakes will inevitably be made. When a mistake is made, let there be a mutual understanding that a boundary will be set, neither partner allowing themselves to just stand there and take it while the other behaves in unhealthy ways.
To review, these aren’t threats, nor are they requests. You 100% intend to follow through with your boundary if the behavior happens again.
If they decide to change as a result of you setting boundaries, that’s a nice bonus. But don’t expect it. You’re doing it for yourself because you’ve decided what you are and aren’t willing to live with. Only use this technique when you fully intend to follow through.
A person’s feelings are not your responsibility.
They put themselves in this situation by refusing to use respectful language. The way they feel about you removing yourself is not your responsibility. Avoid taking responsibility for their feelings so you can follow through on the boundary. Next time you have a challenging discussion, they’ll know to keep it respectful.
Setting boundaries is a 3-step process. Identify the disrespectful behavior. State what you’ll do if that behavior is repeated. Follow through on what you said you would do. Identify the disrespectful behavior.
“But,” you respond, “they should just love me for who I am.” Sure, if real life was a Hallmark movie, your dysfunctional, toxic traits wouldn’t be an issue. But your relationship is taking place in reality, not in a movie. Every relationship has growth areas, and every, yes, every, individual in a relationship has growth areas. There’s no such thing as a relationship that doesn’t require growth.
Be open to hearing about your growth areas from the perspective of your partner. You can interpret them bringing up areas of growth as criticism if you want—you’re absolutely free to do that—but your relationship is going to suffer as a result.
Distinguish the issue they’re bringing up from the way they’re bringing it up, and address each separately.
She’s discussing one specific area, not your entire personhood. It’s not an either/or situation; rather, a both/and scenario.
Either I’m a good partner or a bad partner. Either I meet all of my partner’s needs, or I meet none of them. Either my partner thinks only highly of me, or only badly of me. This is toxic, black and white, either/or thinking. It’s dangerous and dysfunctional. Both/and thinking is healthier. My partner likes many things about me and they also have areas they’d like me to improve.
The same is true for your relationship in that it can either evolve forward or die, and wishing things were as they used to be can’t remove the need to work with the wave of relational evolution.
It’s a good thing your partner is bringing up areas of growth, as this indicates living in reality, not a fantasy land. It also indicates love, a desire to make it work, and a wish to have a happy life together with you. It’s pretty cool to think that they want those things with you.
It’s not your partner’s job to sit and listen while you vent about how your previous partner mistreated you. It’s not their job to support you in getting over someone from your past. Instead, do that with a therapist, mentor, or friend who will allow you to vent initially, but then challenge you to mine the lessons from those situations that will make your current relationship better and make you better as a partner.
An important thing to note is that there’s a difference between blaming vs. holding a person accountable for their words and actions.
There’s a switch from an either/or situation to a both/and situation. “Either this is your fault, or it’s my fault” becomes, “You spoke disrespectfully to me; in addition, I need to improve the way I bring these things up.”
