Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans

by Michaeleen Doucleff

“We have mothers tell us things like ‘I need to do a chore very quickly, and if my toddler tries to help, he makes a mess. So I’d rather do it myself than having them helping.’ ” In many instances, parents with Western backgrounds tell their toddlers to go and play while they do the chores. Or give their child a screen. If you think about it, we are telling the child not to pay attention, not to help. We are telling them, this chore is not for you. Without realizing it, we cut short a

toddler’s eagerness to help, and we segregate them from useful activities.

Parents see this mess as an investment. If you encourage the incompetent toddler who really wants to do the dishes now, then over time, they’ll turn into the competent nine-year-old who still wants to help—and who can really make a difference.

Starting at a very early age, children are learning—and practicing—their place in the family. By including a toddler in a task, the parent is, in effect, telling the child, “You are a working member of the family who helps and contributes however they can.” Psychologists believe that the more a young child practices helping the family, even starting as a toddler, the more likely they will grow up to be a helpful teenager for whom chores are natural. Early involvement in chores sets the child on a trajectory that leads them to helping voluntarily later in life. It transforms their role in both the family and community. They become a responsible, contributing member. On the flip side, if you constantly discourage a child from helping, they believe they have a different role in the family. Their role is to play or move out of the way. Another way to put it: If you tell a child enough times, “No, you’re not involved in this chore,” eventually the

child will believe you and will stop wanting to help. Children will come to learn that helping is not their responsibility.

So the first step to raising helpful kids can be summed up in a single phrase: Let them practice. Practice cleaning. Practice cooking. Practice washing. Let them grab the spoon from your hand and stir the pot. Let them grab the vacuum and start cleaning the rug. Let them make a bit of a mess when they are little, slightly less of a mess as they grow, and by the time they’re preteens, they will be helping to clean up your messes without you having to ask them—or even running your entire household.

To motivate a child without bribes or threats, the child needs to feel: Connected to you or another person close to the child. Like they are making the choice to do the task and no one is forcing them. Like they are competent and that their contribution will be valued.

By contrast, parents who control their own anger—both around and toward their children—help their kids learn to do the same. “Kids learn emotional regulation from us,” Laura says. Every time you stop yourself from acting in anger, your child sees a calm way to deal with frustrations. They learn to stay composed when anger arises. So to help a child learn emotional regulation, the number one thing parents can do is learn to regulate their own emotions.

In many hunter-gatherer cultures, parents rarely scold or punish a child. They rarely insist that a child comply with a request or behave in a certain way. They believe that trying to control a child prevents their development and simply stresses the parent-child relationship. This idea is so prevalent among hunter-gatherer cultures worldwide that there’s little doubt it’s an ancient way of treating children. If we could go back in time and interview parents fifty thousand years ago, we would (very) likely hear the same advice.

Forcing children causes three problems: First, it undermines their intrinsic motivation—that is, it erodes a children’s natural drive to voluntarily do a task (see chapter 6). Second, it can damage your relationship with your child. When you force a child to do something, you run the risk of starting fights and creating anger on both sides. You can build walls. Third, you remove the opportunity for the child to learn and make decisions on their own.

Every time we yell at a child, we teach them to yell and act in anger when they’re upset or have a problem. The child practices being angry and yelling. Every time we respond to an upset child with calmness and quiet, we give the child the opportunity to find that response in themselves. We give the child an opportunity to practice settling themselves down. Over time, this practice teaches the child to regulate their emotions and respond to problems in a calm, productive way.

Change how you view children’s behavior. Expect young children to misbehave and cause problems. They aren’t pushing your buttons or trying to manipulate you. They’re simply irrational beings who haven’t learned proper behavior yet. You have to teach them. (Their misbehavior doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.)

emotions act a bit like muscles. If you don’t use them, you lose them. And the more you flex particular ones, the stronger they become. So the more you experience awe—the more you flex this neural muscle in your brain—the easier it becomes to access this emotion in the future. When you start to feel an unproductive emotion, such as anger, you can more easily swap that negative feeling for a positive one, such as awe. When you feel annoyance, you can swap it for gratitude.

The next time you would like to change your child’s behavior, pause for a moment. Wait before you talk. Think about why you are issuing this command. What is the consequence of their behavior? Why are you trying to change it? Or even, what do you fear will happen if the child continues that behavior? Then tell the child the answer to one of these questions, and let them be. That’s it! You don’t need to say anything else. For example, Rosy starts to climb on top of the dog’s back. Instead of saying, “Don’t climb on the dog’s back,” I pause and think, What will happen if Rosy climbs on the dog’s back? Then I say to Rosy, “If you

climb on her back, you will hurt her,” or even “Ow, Rosy, you are hurting the dog.”

Instead of issuing a command or instruction, ask the child a question (e.g., “Who’s being mean to Freddie?” when a child hits a sibling, or “Who’s being disrespectful?” when a child ignores a request).

Make science come to life. Many ideas in biology, chemistry, and physics sound stranger than fiction—and just as interesting to young children. So why not use science knowledge as a way to create nonfiction stories? Just remember to use simple, relatable words, especially ones that paint a picture or will tickle the child’s imagination. For example, we help Rosy brush her teeth by telling her stories of the “critters” inside her mouth. They are so tiny you can’t see them (yes, they are bacteria). But they live on your teeth, and you have to brush them off or they’ll punch holes in your teeth at night and turn them black. In essence, we take real science and jazz it up with imagery, anthropomorphism, and hyperbole.

To help Rosy learn healthy eating habits, we tell her about the creatures in her stomach. Millions upon millions of friendly critters not only work to keep her insides feeling good, but they also help her brain function and her body fight off bad critters. The microbiome! These critters get sick when Rosy eats too much sugar. But they love fruits, veggies, beans, and nuts. “The creatures are screaming for chickpeas, Rosy,” I find myself saying at lunch. “They are saying, ‘Please, please, Rosy. Give us more chickpeas. More chickpeas.’ ”

“Play is how children learn about the world. Play is their work.”

Autonomy provides the “antidote to this stress,” Bill and Ned write. When you feel like you have influence over your immediate situation and the direction of your life, stress goes down, the brain relaxes, and life gets easier. “The biggest gift parents can give their children is the opportunity to make their own decisions,” psychologist Holly Schiffrin says. “Parents who ‘help’ their children too much stress themselves out and leave their kids ill-prepared to be adults.”

Independence and autonomy are different concepts. An independent child is disconnected from others and not responsible for anyone except themselves. An autonomous child governs their own actions and makes their own decisions, but they have a constant connection to their family and friends. They are expected to help, share, and be kind. They are expected to give back to the group whenever possible.

“The quality of our early family relationships is tied to whether we suffer from loneliness and social isolation as an adult. If a child feels nurtured by their parents and feels like they can count on them, then the child carries that with them for the rest of their lives.”

focus on cultivating your “uncle and auntie” network with friends and neighbors. The goal here is to build deep, high-quality connections, not necessarily more connections.

This network of love and support helps the child see the world as supportive and kind, which protects them from depression and mental health problems.