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She asks about you every time I visit her. My Hattie asks about me. Maybe that’s the real her, and not just the shell of who she used to be. Maybe she’s still in there.
“I can’t focus when you’re here. Because being around you is so . . . When we talk, I feel like you see parts of me that I never knew existed. And I haven’t even thought about Matt since we went to Houston together. And you were right. He’s definitely been jealous after seeing me with you, but I can’t seem to care about that because . . . of you.”
“Did you just confess your feelings for me, Quinn Jackson?”
“I think I feel the same way.”
I leaned in, and he leaned in, and just like that, we were kissing. But in reality, I have no idea how to get there. Carter looks in my eyes. “You look terrified.” “I am.” He laughs. “Relax. It’s just me.”
AHHHHH
We drive past a sign showing support for Donald Trump. “Wow,”
insane timing
“Let’s go.” “Wait. What are we about to do?” “We’re about to go Bring It On on her ass.”
lol
“I’m sorry?” Gia tilts her head with mock confusion. “What journal?” “Bitch.” Livvy spits the word. The sound is so rich, it sounds like a slap, like palm colliding with cheek. They both recoil. “You know exactly what journal I’m talking about,” I say. Gia looks at me, the smile wiped off her face. “Go get it.” Neither of them moves. “Now!” Livvy opens the screen door. Now there’s nothing separating her from them. “Go get it,” Destany says.
PLEASEEEEEE
“You sneaky little bitch. I love you.”
I head toward my house with a smile blooming on my face, full of something indescribable. Just full. I feel full for the first time in months.
He’s silent for a second. “Okay, but do you know what I did?”
I LOVE THIS MAN
“Quinn?” he asks when I don’t speak or look at him. “What’s going on, baby?” Baby? Don’t do that to me.
SCREAMINF
I couldn’t die, not when I wanted to live as much as I did in that moment. Not when I loved life that much. So I jumped.
“I’m also really sorry about not trying to understand your feelings, and for trying to downplay what I did to you. What I did was terrible. Not only was it disrespectful, it was cruel, and . . . gross.” That must be why I feel so disgusted.
is this play about us
And now I’m here. I’m back at the place where I first found myself, finding more pieces of who I am. I dive in and let the cold swallow me up.
“A trail ride is a whole event, a whole sector of southern Black culture. I’m taking you to Houston. It’s trail ride season right now, hell.”
i love cowboy carter if anyone was wondering
“I remember my last conversation with her. She asked me to go to her room and get her a blanket because she was cold. She told me to get the blue blanket from her closet, not the one off her bed, because there was a baby sleeping in her bed.” I look at Olivia, shaking my head. “So I checked her bed, and of course, there was no baby. I went and asked her what she was talking about, and she said, ‘Baby Quinn.’”
I guess this place would be harder to leave if it were still teeming with life, but everything is gone, including Hattie. And even parts of her are disappearing.
The fireplace at Christmas.
Playing card games and reading books when it was too hot to sit outside.
“My granddaughter? Quinn?” Hattie calls. “My Quinn?”
AWWWW
She’s holding her knuckles to the arms of the chair, like she’s ready to stand up, but she doesn’t look like she can on her own. She looks so small. So, so small.
“Listen to me, li’l girl.” She raises my chin to look in her eyes. “Home is not a place. Home is in here.” She pats her hand over her heart. She says, “Don’t you fear, I’m right here.”
OMG :(
I’m full of gratitude that I’m here and that she remembers me. And regret for taking so damn long to face her. I was scared that she’d be unrecognizable, but even though her memories are floating away, everything that remains is still the Hattie who raised me.
I paged the nurse and asked to take Hattie outside, but she said that wasn’t a good idea, because the pollen was especially high today.
theres currently pollen all over my kindle as we speak
I didn’t want to leave her. I could tell how cooped up she felt. She never did like staying inside. She’s always been too big for indoors.
Gia rolls her eyes up to the ceiling and throws her back against the chair.
gia sick of her shit lmao shes tiredddd
But I push it down because he doesn’t deserve to see me smile.
FORGIVE HIM ALREADYYY
“Bye, Queen.” “Bye, Imani.” I run my hand over her braids. Then she grabs Carter’s hand. He follows his sister down the stairs. Looking over his shoulder, he says, “Bye, Queen.”
loling
I can always sense when you’re near. My energy shifts to make room for yours.
You know exactly how sexy you are. Don’t front. And you know how weak in the knees I get when you smile at me. You should exploit that more.
He smiles, licking his lips. “Bring it. I got all the time in the world for you.”
IM GIGGLING
Her old-fashioned box TV, where we’d always watch Judge Judy before falling asleep, would sit on the TV stand in the corner of the room, atop a white lace cloth.
I cannot be contained. I’m too big for this journal.
I turn on my heel and say goodbye to what’s left of Hattie’s property as the ashes of yesterday’s fears rise high in the sky.
“So, walk me through it.
Me when i need to know what he thinks of me at all times
“Okay, back to the matter at hand.” “Yes, ma’am.”
im long gone
He calms down, then he croons low in my ear, “What’s your next question, bae?” Tingles spread throughout my middle, down to my thighs.
GIRRLLLLL
“I want you to be able to celebrate our differences. I need you to be aware that our differences will get us different outcomes in life. And I need you to know that just because I don’t fit into your stereotypes, that doesn’t mean I’m any less Black.” I grind that last sentence out. If she doesn’t walk away hearing anything I’ve said, please at least let her hear that.
“I just wish I didn’t have to tell you. I wish I didn’t have to have this conversation with you. It’s exhausting.”
real
But I tend to think in lists.
@me
When he reaches us, Livvy stops in front of him. “Hey, Carter.” He barely pauses. “Move!” He swerves past her to get to me. “Rude,” she gripes, heading over to Auden.
“I’m sorry, Quinn, for hurting you.” My eyes sink. “I know.”
@me
a boy who isn’t perfect, but who’s patient and whose light shines over all my darkness. Like finally.
im gonnq cry
for Quinn and Carter, for Black readers and Black representation, and for me. I can’t thank you enough.
