Excuse Me While I Ugly Cry

by Joya Goffney

I say, losing myself in the softness and the warmth of his shirt, the rigidness of his chest beneath.

Ho is u in love with him???

Three, if what I tell him doesn’t ruin her for him, then that will ruin him for me.

real

Matthew Radd Michael B. Jordan Bryson Tiller Zayn Malik Diggy Simmons Quincy Brown Ryan Reynolds Noah Centineo Carter Bennett

ME 2!

MOVIES WITH INTENSE REWATCHABILITY Love and Basketball ATL This Christmas Identity Thief Deadpool Friday Girls Trip Black Panther Love, Simon Little

just @ me next time

According to Hattie, being outside is an activity in and of itself. She and I used to sit on her porch swing, watching the birds and trees and clouds, sometimes talking, sometimes not. We could do that for hours, sipping lemonade or tea or both.

I think to myself, If I can still move, what I’m gon’ be still for? Maybe because I’m too scared to move. Because if I move, people might see me. Because staying still is easier.

“It’s just PMS,” I assure him. He narrows his eyes, unconvinced.

lmao

“There was something on your face.” He laughs, throwing his head back. “Something on my face?” “Yes. There was . . . something.” “Yeah. This sexy all over my face.”

byeeee

“Listen, guys, I need to warn you about my mom.” Carter immediately asks, “Does she not like Black people?” Funny. That’s where my mind went too.

loling

I toss him my side eye. “I’m not a stalker. Okay? I’m just organized.”

“Right. I almost forgot you were into white boys.” I wince. He says it like I’m strictly into white boys. Which is not the case, and I hate that he thinks that about me,

Ironically, Auden, the only white one of us, is late.

laughing emoji

“After the train of Taylor Swift, I expected you to play a song by Taylor too.” “Taylor’s not so bad,” I say.

Days My Blackness Has Been on Trial

I don’t want to go. This looks like the place to get your car stolen.

girl?

Carter looks at me. “Yeah, that’s my girl.”

typeeeeshiiiii

“It ain’t that serious. I ain’t want her ugly ass anyway.” Then he walks away, leaving me insulted, disgusted, and a little confused. So now I’m ugly?

real

My heart is racing. Great idea, Quinn. Bring your brand-new Mercedes to one of the most crime-infested areas in Texas. Someone is assaulted, if not murdered, every day in this city.

bruh

“You should have won. I always thought you should have been in yearbook. You’d make a great caption writer.”

other than the anti black thing we really are the same person

“I don’t have haters like that.”

lol

“Being the exception to Black stereotypes automatically means that you’re not as Black.”

I’m no better than the white kids. I’m no better than my dad.

I don’t let people pick through my hair. Not anymore. I’ve always worn my hair naturally. My mom showed me how to wash, deep condition, detangle, and moisturize it every week. She’s never brought up the idea of straightening my hair—chemically or otherwise. And I’ve never felt the desire. I love my fluffy hair.

“So you’ve got this middle part going on,” she says. “What we’re gonna do is take your part all the way to the left.”

lmao

“Because that idiot’s had a crush on you since he started going to school at Hayworth.”

AHHHHH!

REASONS I WISH WE’D BEEN FRIENDS SOONER Maybe then I would feel more welcome in Black spaces. Hanging with Olivia makes me feel okay to show the parts of me that are rooted in my Blackness. Like, for once, I’m not trying to come out of my skin. Like an entire hemisphere of Quinn Jackson comes alive, and I never even knew that side of me existed. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so judgmental toward people of my own race, namely Carter. Because Olivia has this way of embracing and defying stereotypes all at the same time. And she doesn’t care what it says about her or what people think.

“I can’t do that!” I don’t know how to flirt, and I have zero sex appeal. In a sea of girls, I’m not the one guys typically pick. So I never learned how to command their attention.

srs

The group stampedes past, and he steps closer to me, really close. We’re nearly chest to chest. He places one hand on the brick beside my arm. I’m swathed in the smell of his shower soap, staring up at his kissable neck.

tongue emoji

Of course you’re uncomfortable. It’s a new experience.”

“Her ex, Kendrick.”

i loved the super bowl

I turn around to face him. When he sees my expression, his face falls. “It’s okay,” he assures me. “I’m scared,” I whisper. There’s no way he heard me. I think maybe he read my lips. “Don’t be scared. You’re okay.”

icouldcryrn

“I don’t think white people should say the ‘friendly’ version of that word, knowing that somewhere, someone is still using it as hate speech. Doesn’t seem fair to Black people that every time they hear it, they have to figure out whether or not they’re being insulted.” I look at Auden and nearly cry. “Wow, Auden.” “What?” He turns to me, confused. “Thank you.” I’ve never felt this seen by a white friend.

“I’ll be like your bodyguard.

bey reference

“Quinn, you’ve always been beautiful. You know that.”

REASONS I BELONG EXACTLY WHERE I AM

Vomiting is on my Worst Things about Being Human list, and now I need to add being hungover.

She turns to him with puppy dog eyes. “No, ’cause you said to not tell Mommy when girls sleep over, and I’m not telling Mommy. I’m telling . . .” She looks at me with a twisted mouth. “What’s your name again?” “Quinn.” She turns to Carter. “Queen.”

“How can you just sit here while your grandmother is unwell?” “I can’t see her like that.” My eyes well up. I’m not ready to talk about this right now.

I refuse to go to that awful nursing home to see the Hattie who can’t walk without help, the Hattie who probably doesn’t even remember my name, much less my face—the impostor.

My breath rushes from between my lips. I’m gasping against his black shirt. I’m not crying. I’m ugly crying. I’ve never ugly cried in front of anyone. I doubt he’ll be able to see me as “beautiful” after this.

But we all know that none of our homes are perfect. And there’s an understanding between us. I can see it in the way Auden lies on my couch, right in the bend of the L, putting his feet in the cushions like he’s been here before. I can see it in the way Carter sets our food on the table and hands out our orders, like none of what just happened is new or surprising or weird. Which is shocking, especially after he just saw me at my absolute ugliest. I can’t believe he didn’t run away screaming after seeing me like that.

#icry

My legs are curled up in his lap. I drop my head back on the couch cushion and stare at the television screen, reveling in his warmth and being this close to him.

“It’s just hard watching a person you love deteriorate before your eyes.”

feelings.

I think of all the stories about how fast Hattie was. I wish I could have seen her run. But I can imagine it, her back straight, her muscular legs pounding into the dirt. She was so strong. She’s always been so strong.

To sit still like a tree and let the wind filter through my leaves.

“God, I love when it rains.”

Same

He smiles when he meets my eye, unsuspecting. I smile, too, then I rush over and flick rainwater in his face.

Then it’s just us. He says, “For the record, I think all that you’ve said and done has been perfect,” and walks past me to the doorway. “Wouldn’t hurt if you said and did a little more.” “In regard to what?” I ask, tilting my head. “In regard to your feelings.” He crosses the threshold, shooting me one last breathtaking glance before disappearing down the hall.

“I honestly don’t know if I can concentrate on that now.” I cover my smile as if he can see it. “Then I’m hanging up.” “Wait, no!” He takes a deep, calming breath. “Okay, okay. I’ll be good.”

I should not pick up my phone and text him: Only panties.

SHES FREAKY