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December 8 - December 22, 2025
Welcome, Crawler to the fourth floor. “The Iron Tangle”
New achievement! I’m on a train!
It was a simple, blue and white hat one would see on a toddler. It had the words “I rode the Iron Tangle” embroidered on it.
“Is it because she’s four-legged?” “No. It’s because she’s Donut.”
Peaking at Number 2 on January 13, 2007, it’s “Fergalicious!”
“Go fuck yourselves, creepy babies.”
These losers spend most of their days and nights reading. What a bunch of nerds.
Hey!
They are hunted ruthlessly by the tunnel trolls, who like to capture and lick them. Not because they impart any sort of hallucinogenic effect. It’s just that tunnel trolls are weird-ass fuckers.
New Achievement! They like me! They really like me!
New Achievement! The early bird gets to squirm!
New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.
remembered what Odette had said about Mordecai and gods. He has a lot of experience in the subject, unfortunately. “Yeah, I’m supposed to ask you about gods,” I said. “That can wait. It’s a long conversation. We need to get our space set up. And then sleep. So distribute your points.”
Subtle foreshadowing lol
New achievement! Welcome to the neighborhood!
New achievement! Well-Rested!
New achievement! Martha Stewart!
It sounded like the AI was still pissed at Borant. I wondered how long that would last.
“But here’s the weird thing. The train is in a loop. I could pour this bottle of shine on the floor, and it’ll return to its spot on the shelf back there the next time around.”
He chuckled. “A map of the entire Tangle? I don’t think there is such a thing.”
“Do the monsters always get off every five stops?” I asked. “Yes. I don’t know why. They’re usually pretty excited about it, too.”
“I’ve only heard of an engineer coming out of his train once,” Vernon said. “And that was under some pretty extreme circumstances.” “What was that?” I asked. “Derailment.”
While each colored line had hundreds of trains on a track at any given moment, he believed there was only one of the larger trains per line. He didn’t know much about the tracks and the system other than that. Trains did not cross tracks with other trains. The tracks worked like highways with the tunnels going above and below one another. I asked if there was a safe way to traverse the tracks, like a maintenance tunnel or walkway, and he just laughed.
“That was the worst prize ever,” said Donut.
Zev: Well you need to do something. What’s the point of adding a new character if she sucks? It’s like when they added April to Gilmore Girls. But worse.
Donut beamed. “We’re going dancing tonight! It’s dirty Shirley time!”
Mordecai’s Special Brew A potion designed by a shifty Changeling who has a tendency to kill those who count on him the most, this special potion combines the effects of a Gold Standard Healing Potion and the Troll’s Second Wind to create a de facto immortality for a period of thirty seconds. It has a few unfortunate side effects.
“Come here, Mongo,” I said, picking up the saddle. The feathered dinosaur cocked his head to the side and then grunted, backing away. I tossed him a curly fry. He snapped it out of the air. “Come here, you bastard.”
Here’s your host. It’s the dungeon darling, giver-of-prizes, slayer of gods, former Crawler champion, it’s Chaco the Bard!
I’m sorry about your manager, I really am. It was a long time ago, and it wasn’t my fault. I was just doing what his manager told me to do. If I hadn’t done it, he’d have died. And then we’d all have lost her. We’d have lost Odette. When he comes back, tell him I said I’m sorry. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret it.”
The merry-go-round spun, the music getting louder. I had a sudden, irrational urge to pick the motorcycle. Not because I wanted to ride it, but so I could push it out onto the tracks and watch it get hit by a train.
Jesus…
The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook by Anonymous. This is a unique item. Chicken and Goblin recipes galore! But it’s more than that, too. Each recipe is accompanied by a hilarious tale by the anonymous author, recounting some of the zany and madcap misadventures they experienced gathering these mouth-watering recipes. Fun for the whole family! This book is a real hoot.
Hello, Crawler. As you’re about to find, this is a very special book. If you’re reading these words, it means this book has found its way into your hands for one purpose and one purpose only. Together, we will burn it all to the ground.
👀
“What did you guys do to get access?” she asked. “It doesn’t matter,” I said, interrupting Donut. We’d received it after the incident with the goblin babies.
“Look at how beautiful she is,” Donut whispered. “She’s like a vision of pure elegance.” “Yo,” Elle cried at the bartender. “Whose dick do I gotta suck to get another drink? Christ.”
A single skull formed, appearing after Donut’s name.
I took a moment to puzzle over Donut’s reaction. She didn’t blink at killing a trainload of monsters, or NPCs for that matter. She wasn’t human. She’d never been human. But for some reason she was having a really hard time with this. I knew part of it was because she was drunk. Every day she was growing into a more and more complicated creature. She was far removed from the cat who had first emerged in Mordecai’s guild all those days ago.
“Larracos is the capital city of the disputed lands,” one of the nearby guards said. He was a level-45 crocodilian named Igor. “It is the prize over which the factions fight.”
“Mongo and I have a psychic bond, Carl. You’ve never been a mother, so you wouldn’t understand.”
New achievement! Locomotive Breath! While it’s not exactly a feat of engineering worthy of a Queen Elizabeth Prize, you finally managed to manufacture a train derailment. Let’s hope this doesn’t set off some sort of unforeseen domino effect that will ripple throughout the rest of the floor, leading to mass confusion and death amongst you and your fellow crawlers.
“Grull?” Donut said. “Isn’t that…?” “Yep,” I said just before the world froze.
Sponsor’s Name: The Valtay Corporation.
“I think my fans should have a name, wouldn’t that be great? Like the Princess Patrol or something.” I grunted. “How about the Donut Holes?”
“What was that, bitch? I didn’t quite get that last part,” I said.
I can see through doorways now. “Oh hell yeah,” I said.
This train is running on dead babies. Holy crap that’s fucked up.
Why is it always dead babies 😭
New Achievement! Kept A Rollin’
New achievement! Three Cheers for Slaughter!
“Sunglasses, huh?” I said as I stepped off the train.
Mordecai’s long-ago advice echoed in my head. Look, kid. I want this to sink deep into your thick skull. You can’t save them all.
Reading the words of those who have come before me, I know them. You, reading this. I know you, too. You are me. That is who this book finds.
But more importantly, there is no shame in wanting to protect those who are your hive, even if you never knew them. For they are yours, and they are being taken. It is us or it is them. There is consolation in dying in the pursuit of justice, no matter how small or big that death is.
