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December 8 - December 22, 2025
The Babababoon is the king of idiotic chaos. This exclusive mob was created by taking a standard earth baboon and crossing it with the population from a Florida jail drunk tank. Not gonna lie. I’m pretty proud of this one. These guys ruin just about anything we put them in.
A Festering Ghoul has two purposes. One, to devour as much organic material as possible, and two, to find more of its kind. These particular ghouls have been born with the knowledge on how to get to this area. All they need now is enough of their kind to arrive before their purpose becomes clear.
I could barely understand what he was saying. His inflection was like a Creole guy poorly attempting a cockney accent.
“Then why d’hell you come all this way? Why not take the Escape Velocity train? It goes to all the stairwells. He rapped on the metal on the window. ‘Ell, this train stops at 83 Tangerine and Plum. You take the Tangerine up to 89 and hop right on the Escape Velocity. It’ll take you straight to a gaggle of stairwell stations.”
“Bye, Madison,” I said, turning away. “Go fuck yourself, okay?”
Both her and The Sledge now had pink feather boas around their necks. The Sledge now also wore a cowboy hat. Hanging from the boa on the Sledge’s neck was a giant pinback button that read, “I like my sausages extra-large. Penis Parade. Desperado Club Floor One.”
The man drunkenly watched me take the ring and slip it onto my left index finger. “Vengeance is mine,” he said.
Oh no…this doesn’t seem like it will be good for future Carl.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, anger rising. “Your rented slave labor isn’t participating like how you wanted? Well, let me look for some sympathy.” I patted myself on the chest. “Nope, all out.”
“Have you ever noticed how shit always happens while we’re doing these shows?”
👀👀👀
“Go fuck yourself, Zev,” I said up to the ceiling. “How’s that for talking out loud?”
Carl: Donut, be cool. This doesn’t have to turn into a fight. She was trying something, and whatever it was, it didn’t work. We don’t want to fight her. “You tried to kill Katia you fucking bitch!” Donut cried. She blasted a full-strength Magic Missile right into Hekla’s face.
Instead, she inadvertently became the first crawler on this season of Dungeon Crawler World to kill one of the top 10 and claim a bounty.
Warning: You have a dick.
The dinosaur had gone crazy, like that fat kid in the Willy Wonka book who started eating the walls and shit.
“You’re going to get us killed one way or the other, Carl. It might as well be for a good cause,” Donut said. I grunted. “Well they do say I’m crazy.”
Katia, who studied the map more than anyone, continued to insist there was something that we were missing.
People worked together. They coordinated. They spread the word. In twenty minutes, I had over 700 of the hats piled in front of me plus another fifteen colored-line keys that would also work for the portals. It was enough, for now. Hopefully it’d remain that way. Yes, I thought. There is hope for us. Not a lot. But it’s there.
“Don’t track blood on the floors,” Katia called as we all tracked blood on the floor.
New achievement! Mentally Unstable Clothing Hoarder!
It was painfully clear what the dungeon wanted us to do. You will not break me. Fuck you all.
“Hey Gary,” I said. “I’m really sorry about this.”
GARY 😭
The moment I pulled one of the hands away, the train shut off. I’d been hoping once the train started, it no longer needed the hand keys. “Fuck,” I said. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” “Mongo,” Donut said. “Back to the bar.”
GARYYYYYYY
Forms a metallic buckler on command. May be triggered via hotlist or by shaking your wrist like you’re thinking of your hot Aunt Lydia.
“Really, Katia,” Donut said, leaping to my shoulder. “If you need to borrow a sanitary napkin, just ask.”
“Wait until you hear about how we stuck Katia to the front of a train and then killed Hekla,” Donut added.
“They’re laying the story on a little thick,” Donut grumbled. “I mean, really. Are we supposed to be cosplaying as terrified commuters now? Do I look like someone who would use public transportation?”
“Fucking hell, Carl,” Elle said, floating up. “Did you do that?” “Why is it every time there’s a big explosion, you immediately think I had something to do with it?” “Because it usually is you,” she said.
I hope you said your prayers and brought the lube, because you about to get fucked from here to eternity.
“Glurp, glurp, motherfucker,” I said before I collapsed in an exhausted heap.
Carl: That’s okay, Donut. Sometimes it’s not always about the experience.
“Another floor ending with a big explosion,” Katia said after the train disappeared. “Spoiler alert, Katia,” Donut replied. “It’s always going to end with an explosion.”
“I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?” “No,” I agreed. “You most definitely are not.”
This is where I, again, beg you to please, please do me a solid and leave a review on Amazon. We live and die by our reviews. It is important. Even if you’re like that asshole Jed who left me a one-star because I swear too much, please just leave a goddamned review. Also, eat me, Jed.
Reminder to always read the acknowledgments—you get gems like this 😂
