How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

by Logan Ury

Your motto: Why settle? The

Research tells us that similar personalities are not a predictor of long-term relationship success.

It’s fine to have different interests, so long as the time you spend pursuing your favorite activities doesn’t preclude you from investing in the relationship.

He defines emotional stability as being able to self-regulate and not give in to anger or impulsivity. The combined emotional stability of a couple predicts the satisfaction and stability of their relationship.

John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual. Common examples of perpetual problems include situations where one person likes to go out while the other prefers to stay in, or where one person is neat and the other is messy. These might include differing opinions on work, family, ambition, money, and sexual frequency.

“When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” The goal isn’t to find someone with whom you don’t fight. It’s to choose a partner with whom you fight well, and who doesn’t make you worry that the fight will end the relationship.

Our brains focus on what’s measurable and easily comparable. Apps display superficial traits, making us value these qualities even more.

paradox of choice: We assume that more choice will make us happier, but that’s often not the case.

In fact, too many options make us less happy, in part because of choice overload.

even when we’re able to overcome choice overload and make a selection, having so many options to choose from makes us less satisfied with what we choose.

The more options you have to choose from, the more chances you have to feel regret about your selection.

When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are.

Look for the positives in people, whether you’re evaluating them on a dating app or they’re across the table from you at a restaurant. It will be easy to see their flaws—the way our brain has evolved practically guarantees it. But force yourself to look for the good.

Prioritize what actually matters long term. Do not let yourself get off track because of small distractions. You may be using these distractions as a defense mechanism—a way of staying single while still giving the appearance of dating, to avoid, for whatever reason, taking the leap into a relationship.

Take a look at what unfolds when you two hang out: Do you enjoy spending time with this person? Do they make you happy? Do you like who you are with them? Do you want to kiss them? Is your interest in them growing, waning, or just kind of trudging along?

Try to not see the breakup as a failure but, rather, as a chance to make better decisions in the future. Update your thinking from “Time heals all wounds” to “Meaning heals all wounds.”