How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

by Logan Ury

What’s your goal? To have the world’s best coffee machine or to be happy? If it’s happiness you’re after, it’s the subjective experience, not the objective result, that really matters. While the quality of coffee is important, how we feel about that coffee is paramount.

Rationalization is our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing. Imagine you buy an expensive winter coat that you can return within thirty days. You take it home and weigh its pros and cons. Even if you keep the coat, you can’t shake that list of cons in your head. But when you buy a coat on final sale, you immediately commit to liking it. You can’t return it, so why worry about its drawbacks? That’s the power of rationalization. Embrace it. This works

Now, perhaps you’re thinking: I’m not looking to make a merely “good” decision. I refuse to settle. But this is a common misunderstanding about satisficing. Remember, Satisficers can have very high standards. They may look around for a while until they find an option that meets their expectations. The difference is, once they find something that meets their standards, they are happy with it. They don’t wonder what else is out there.

Try to date secure partners. The ones who text when they say they will. Who let you know what’s on their mind. Who don’t play games and avoid or even de-escalate drama.

Learn to ask for space instead of disappearing into space.

Or when you sense yourself focusing on your partner’s shortcomings and wanting to leave because of them, try a different technique: Practice looking for the positive qualities instead. Remember that no one is perfect, and if you leave, the next person you meet won’t be perfect, either.

You can get a sense of how kind someone is by paying attention to how they treat people from whom they don’t need anything. Are they nice to the waiter? Do they give up their seat on the subway? Are they patient with new team members who are learning the ropes at work? Do they treat their friends and parents with compassion? One way to get a sense of someone’s emotional stability is to pay attention to how they respond to stressful situations. Do they freak out or keep their cool? Emotionally stable partners are measured in their responses. They take time to thoughtfully respond rather than impulsively react.

One easy way to estimate someone’s loyalty is to see if they have friends from different stages of their lives. How many old friendships have they carried with them over the years? Did they ditch their college bestie when they got depressed, or do they still meet up for monthly movie matinees? Do people from their past seem to rely on them for companionship and support? Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, since some people have moved around a lot or lived in places where they didn’t fit in. But in general, old friendships indicate loyalty.

Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around this person or right after you finish spending time together. Energized? Deflated? Bored? Challenged? Happy? Desired? Smart? Stupid? Select someone who brings out the best side of you.

It could also be helpful to get a third-party view by going out with a group of friends. Instead of asking, “What did you think of him?” ask, “What did you think of me around him?”

“When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” The goal isn’t to find someone with whom you don’t fight. It’s to choose a partner with whom you fight well, and who doesn’t make you worry that the fight will end the relationship.