How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

by Logan Ury

what separates Maximizers and Satisficers is not the quality of their decisions, it’s how these decisions make them feel:

once you commit to something, your brain starts the magical process of rationalization, convincing you that you made a good choice.

That possibility of rejection created anxiety, a feeling Vivian confused for butterflies. And when the guy started pulling away, she felt it even more intensely.

Finally, remember what we just learned about adaptation. Even if you marry the most attractive person, eventually, you’ll get used to how they look.

A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty.

Pay attention to whether or not you’re attracted to someone and focus less on how society would evaluate that person’s looks.

the effect reverses for women on oral birth control. Things can get awkward when a couple marries, the woman goes off birth control, and suddenly, she’s attracted to different people.)

Emotionally stable partners are measured in their responses. They take time to thoughtfully respond rather than impulsively react.

It could also be helpful to get a third-party view by going out with a group of friends. Instead of asking, “What did you think of him?” ask, “What did you think of me around him?”

Superficial qualities like looks and money matter less for long-term relationship success than people think they do because lust fades and people adapt to their circumstances. The same goes for shared hobbies and similar personalities.

When researchers first investigated the cohabitation effect, they figured only a certain kind of couple moved in together before marriage. These couples, the researchers assumed, were laxer about marriage and thus more open to the idea of getting divorced.

Moving in together makes it harder to be honest with yourself about the quality of the relationship because the cost of separating goes up significantly.

Deciding means making intentional choices about relationship transitions. Those who slide slip into the next stage without giving it much thought. Couples who decide tend to enjoy healthier relationships.

you’ll continue to hold false expectations of how relationships feel over time. You won’t learn that how you feel on day one differs from how you feel on day one thousand.

one of the moments when we feel most attracted to our partners is when we admire their individual talents. Invest in that attraction by teaching each other a new skill. If one of you is a great cook, why not teach the other a new recipe?