How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

by Katy Milkman

When you’re facing self-doubt or uncertainty about how to proceed, a powerful way the people around you can help boost your capacity and confidence is by showing you what’s possible. Your decisions are heavily influenced by the norms in your peer group, so it’s important to be in good company when you hope to achieve big goals, and it can be harmful to have peers who are low achievers. Just describing what behavior is typical (assuming it’s a desirable behavior) can be an effective way to help other people change their behaviors for the better. The closer you are to someone, and the more their situation resembles your own, the more likely you are to be influenced by their behavior. Although some peer influence will rub off on you effortlessly, you can supercharge positive peer effects deliberately. Do this by watching peers who have managed to achieve whatever goal you hope to achieve and then copying and pasting their methods.

Because you care about gaining peer approval, feeling watched by groups of other people changes your behavior. To use peer visibility to promote change without creating blowback, rather than publicly shaming people for undesirable behavior, give them the chance to earn public praise (or opt out). If a behavior is merely growing in popularity, rather than an existing norm, sharing information about that upward trend can change others’ behavior. If the achievements of your peers feel vastly out of reach, witnessing or learning about social norms can discourage you from pursuing change rather than encouraging it. Social pressure can be used to coerce people. So, before using social norms to influence friends, family, or coworkers, take your moral responsibility seriously. If you notice someone using social pressure on you in a way that makes you nervous, slow down, dodge face-to-face interactions with that person, and talk with a devil’s advocate to improve your decisions and avoid becoming a victim of coercion.

Study after study (mine included) has shown that achieving transformative behavior change is more like treating a chronic disease than curing a rash. You can’t just slap a little ointment on it and expect it to clear up forever. The internal obstacles that stand in the way of change, which I’ve described in this book—obstacles such as temptation, forgetfulness, underconfidence, and laziness—are like the symptoms of a chronic disease. They won’t just go away once you’ve started “treating” them. They’re human nature and require constant vigilance.

the key to change is understanding your opponent. One-size-fits-all strategies won’t get you nearly as far as tailored attacks on what stands in your way. Once you’ve mastered that game plan, staying the course is often as simple as sticking to the tactics that have been working for you.