How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

by Katy Milkman

If giving advice can destroy confidence, then asking people who are struggling to be advisers instead of advisees might be a better approach. Encouraging someone to share their wisdom conveys that they’re intelligent, capable of helping others, a good role model, and the kind of person who succeeds. It shows that we believe in them. In theory, being asked to write just a few words of guidance to someone else might give people the confidence to achieve their own objectives.

prompting goal seekers to offer advice led them to feel more motivated than when they were given the very same caliber of advice.

giving advice to others tends to help us.

we tend to tailor the advice we give based on personal experience.

when someone asks for guidance, we tell them to do what we would find useful. And after offering that advice to others, we feel hypocritical if we don’t try it ourselves. In psychology, there’s something called the “saying-is-believing effect.” Thanks to cognitive dissonance, after you say something to someone else, you’re more likely to believe it yourself.

You might consider forming your own advice clubs with friends who are struggling to achieve goals similar to your own. As you provide and receive (solicited) advice, you’ll boost one another’s confidence and unearth ideas that help with your own problems.

Another simple suggestion is to turn advice giving inside out when you’re facing a challenge. Ask yourself: “If a friend or colleague were struggling with the same problem, what advice would I offer?” Taking this perspective can help you approach the same problem with greater confidence and insight.

Our expectations shape our outcomes.

our expectations about what will happen can influence what actually happens in four key ways. First, our beliefs can change our emotions. If you have positive expectations, that often generates positive feelings,

Our beliefs can also redirect our attention.

There is also evidence that beliefs can change motivation.

And finally, beliefs can affect our physiology—not just through our emotions, but directly.

What we think we’re capable of is crucial when it comes to behavior change.

engaging in self-affirmation—focusing on personal experiences that make us feel successful or proud—can improve our resilience in response to threats.

But where excess confidence can help as well as hurt goal strivers, underconfidence can only stymie their success, so it’s critical to address. Because the signals we receive from the people around us shape our beliefs about what’s possible, we should take care to surround ourselves with people who will buoy our own beliefs in our potential and support our growth. And when hoping to help others change, we need to provide that same kind of supportive and encouraging mentorship.

we can undermine people’s chances of success by offering them unsolicited advice (which implies we don’t think they have what it takes) and that we can boost their likelihood of achievement by asking for their own advice (which conveys confidence and trust in them and their abilities). And when pursuing your own goals, Lauren’s work suggests just how much it can help to put yourself in the position of an adviser.

confidence is key when we’re pursuing change. No one can make a major breakthrough without experiencing setbacks along the way—the decisive factor is how we respond. By surrounding ourselves with supporters, putting ourselves in the position of advice givers, letting ourselves off the hook for small failures, and recognizing that setbacks help us grow, we can overcome self-doubt. As the saying goes, “Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.”

Chapter Takeaways Self-doubt can keep you from making progress on your goals or prevent you from setting goals in the first place. Giving people unsolicited advice can undermine their confidence. But asking them to give advice builds confidence and helps them think through strategies for achieving their goals. Giving advice can also help us act, because it can feel hypocritical not to do the things we advise other people to do. Consider forming advice clubs with friends or colleagues attempting to achieve similar goals or consider becoming a mentor to someone. By giving (solicited) feedback to others, you can boost your confidence and unearth helpful ideas for making progress in your own life. Your expectations shape your reality. So, convey to people that you believe in their potential, and surround yourself with mentors who send those same positive signals to you. Set ambitious goals (say, exercising every day) but allow yourself a limited number of emergency passes when you slip up (say, two per week). That strategy can help you stay confident and on track even when you face the occasional, inevitable setback. Adopting a “growth mind-set”—recognizing that abilities, including intelligence, are not fixed and that effort influences a person’s potential—can help you bounce back from setbacks. You can also teach other people to adopt a growth mind-set. Focus on personal experiences that make you feel successful or proud. This kind of self-affirmation makes you more resilien...

Your mom was onto something when she told you to stop hanging around with bad apples and find some good ones. Everything from our grades to our careers to our financial decisions is shaped, at least in part, by our peers.

used a strategy I use myself when I want to master a new skill: “copy and paste.” She watched peers who had managed to achieve a goal she wanted to achieve and then deliberately imitated their methods.

the “false consensus effect.” The paper describes a general tendency humans have to incorrectly assume that other people see and react to the world the same way we do. If we think the latest juice cleanse being promoted on morning talk shows is inane, we assume most other people do, too; if we think urban life is ideal, we assume that like us, the majority of our fellow countrymen aspire to move to cities; and if we’re clueless about how to make tasty vegetarian meals, we assume other people (even vegetarians!) are equally uninformed. Of course, the real world is far more diverse than the world in our imaginations, and wide differences in beliefs, behaviors, and knowledge exist in objective reality.

So if you want to get fit, tip books will surely help, but if you can spend some time with fit peers and watch out for ideas, you’ll likely do even better.

When we’re unsure of ourselves, a powerful way the people around us can help boost our capacity and confidence is by showing us what’s possible. Often, in fact, we’re more influenced by observation than by advice.

You’re likely to go further faster if you find the person who’s already achieving what you want to achieve and copy and paste their tactics than if you simply let social forces influence you through osmosis.

While social influence tactics can unquestionably be used for nefarious purposes, they needn’t be a force for evil, thankfully, and often aren’t. When harnessed to help people, social norms can play a valuable role in changing our behavior for the better.

For social influence to work, there can’t be too stark a difference between overachievers and those in need of a boost.

describing others’ accomplishments is an effective motivator only when their achievements feel like something we can emulate fairly quickly. Some goals require a simple change, but many are more complicated and take a major, extended commitment.

In endeavors that require sustained effort, finding out that we’re way behind our peers can break our spirit.

Social influence tactics can add far more value when the focus is on concrete, immediately achievable goals,

Breaking down big goals can help bridge the gap between what sounds doable and what sounds impossibly out of reach, potentially preventing social influence tactics from backfiring.

Most of us want to look like good, hardworking, successful people to our friends, neighbors, and colleagues. So when our actions are visible, there’s a strong pull to do the “right” thing and a strong deterrent from making the “wrong” choice, which stands to tarnish our good reputations. To successfully harness those instincts without creating blowback, it’s best to allow people the chance to earn praise or opt out.

Overall, it’s clear that if you’re hoping to encourage others to adopt better behaviors, you can use humans’ love of adulation to your advantage. For instance, research has shown that when our charitable gifts will be announced to others, we’re more likely to make donations. So if you’re fundraising, find a way to let people broadcast their generosity. And if you’re hoping to get more employees to participate in workplace training or mentoring programs, consider posting public sign-up lists. Social pressure to do the “right” thing will build, and as the list grows, social norms will also work in your favor—it will become clear that signing up is cool.

if a behavior is merely trending upward, rather than widely popular, sharing information about that trend can win people over.* If you find out that just 20 percent of your colleagues are enrolled in a new computer programming boot camp, you might hesitate, but if you discover that enrollment has doubled since last year, you’ll have a different perspective. An upward trend tells people that this counternormative behavior will eventually become the thing “everyone” is doing.

If you channel the power of social forces correctly, you can boost capacity and self-confidence and achieve more while showing colleagues and friends how to do the same.

Chapter Takeaways When you’re facing self-doubt or uncertainty about how to proceed, a powerful way the people around you can help boost your capacity and confidence is by showing you what’s possible. Your decisions are heavily influenced by the norms in your peer group, so it’s important to be in good company when you hope to achieve big goals, and it can be harmful to have peers who are low achievers. Just describing what behavior is typical (assuming it’s a desirable behavior) can be an effective way to help other people change their behaviors for the better. The closer you are to someone, and the more their situation resembles your own, the more likely you are to be influenced by their behavior. Although some peer influence will rub off on you effortlessly, you can supercharge positive peer effects deliberately. Do this by watching peers who have managed to achieve whatever goal you hope to achieve and then copying and pasting their methods. Because you care about gaining peer approval, feeling watched by groups of other people changes your behavior. To use peer visibility to promote change without creating blowback, rather than publicly shaming people for undesirable behavior, give them the chance to earn public praise (or opt out). If a behavior is merely growing in popularity, rather than an existing norm, sharing information about that upward trend can change others’ behavior. If the achievements of your peers feel vastly out of reach, witnessing or learning about ...

Study after study (mine included) has shown that achieving transformative behavior change is more like treating a chronic disease than curing a rash. You can’t just slap a little ointment on it and expect it to clear up forever. The internal obstacles that stand in the way of change, which I’ve described in this book—obstacles such as temptation, forgetfulness, underconfidence, and laziness—are like the symptoms of a chronic disease. They won’t just go away once you’ve started “treating” them. They’re human nature and require constant vigilance.

the work we do to facilitate behavior change often has enduring positive benefits. But if and when our efforts stop, we should expect to see ourselves and others begin to relapse (and the sooner we stop, the more relapse we should anticipate).

When you use the tools in this book to overcome whatever internal obstacles you face on your journey to create change, recognize that you’ll want to use them not once or twice or for a month or for a year or two, but permanently. Or, at least, until you no longer want to achieve whatever it is you set out to achieve in the first place.