More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
She stole my restraint and my breath away. It was like she smashed a window, snuck in, and snatched it from my lungs.
She was beautiful. Perfection. Everything I’d always wanted.
“Love you, love you. I love you, Marisa.”
“And I have all kinds of plans for us once I get back from Chicago and once I’m drafted. Plans that include you.”
I’d wanted to tell him how much I loved him too, how I couldn’t wait for us to go through with all the crazy plans he kept throwing out there, but the words stalled in my throat.
This whole time I’d been preparing myself for the end, but I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready. And it scared me. Shook me to my core how hard it would be to leave him or worse, watch him walk away.
If something happened to Charlie, would he even want me around? Would I be cast out? How would he even be able to look at me again?
Me: Good luck today. Thinking about you. I’ll be watching at 3! The text bubble popped up, indicating he was typing, and just as quickly disappeared.
Walking into my mom’s house—I couldn’t call it mine anymore—felt as weird as it had when I’d stopped by on Christmas Eve. It looked and smelled the same, but it wasn’t home. I had no home.
I wanted this so badly for him, more than I’d ever wanted anything for me. Because I loved him.
“We’ve got the draft coming up in April. Who’ll be coming with you on draft night? A girlfriend happy to see you go pro?” “No, no girlfriend for me.” There wasn’t a chuckle or a cracked smile.
“He’s not like that,” I snapped. “Neither was your father, but all that time on the road, he forgot who was waiting for him at home. Time it. By the time he gets back here, he’ll be knee-deep in coeds who will do whatever the hell he wants.”
That was it. With one text, he’d wrecked all the things I’d given him. My friendship. My trust. My love.
This was the moment. The moment he left. Even if he came back on Friday, something had changed, and I should’ve been preparing instead of pretending.
I wanted—no, needed to take away all the financial worries that might hit them. I needed to take care of Quinn and make sure Marisa still got her European tour. I needed to take care of them and this was the only way I could do it.
“Do I need to call Marisa?” “This has nothing to do with Marisa.” “You’re only ever a pain in the ass like this when there’s something up with Marisa.”
“I don’t play. I’m holding onto it for someone.” “You’re schlepping a guitar around in college for someone.” “Yeah. No story there.”
our football team sucks, so we’ve never seen any of our players on Sports Center.” “Well, there was the one time they put up the worst plays of the season and our team made it twice.”
you two certainly seem like you’re more than friends.” “I want us to be. I’ve wanted us to be, but she’s throwing up road blocks every step of the way.”
“What are you doing here? Are you sleeping here?”
“You don’t have anywhere to go?” “Not really.”
“A lot is going on right now, and I’m probably not handling it in the most mature way possible.”
I left all my classes through alternate exits, or skipped them, if I could. Not that LJ was looking for me. I wasn’t sure which would be worse: that he might be waiting for me outside of each class or that he was avoiding me.
“You kissed me and then said thanks for saving Charlie’s life, like it was my reward for donating bone marrow. I didn’t want you to like me because I’d helped your dad—and what if it hadn’t worked? You’d have never wanted to speak to me again.”
It’s good this happened.” I rocked back, trying to put some space between us. “It’s good I know where we stand because…” I licked my lips and sucked in a breath. “I’m going to Italy.”
He stepped back. “You’ve known this since November.” “I hadn’t decided.” I truly hadn’t, but thanked my lucky stars I’d had the Plan B to fall back on. “You’ve been keeping this from me since November.”
All the plans you let me think about what we could do this summer and how we’d spend it before training camp…” He shook his head and stared at me like I was a stranger.
“The whole time I was making plans for us, you were planning on making your big escape.” The gut punch was unlike any I’d felt on the field.
“I’m scared, Marisa. The draft. My dad.” I let out a shuddering breath, trying to hold it together. “I need you to be there for me.”
“Your family is strong. You guys made it through it before. You’ve got the guys. They’ll have your back.” She dipped her head and stared at the center of my chest. Who was this woman in front of me? She wasn’t the one I loved.
“If he’s sick again and my bone marrow didn’t work this time? How could I look any of you in the eye again?” “So your plan is to just never look at any of us ever again? Move to Italy and forget you ever knew us?”
“You’re right, Marisa.” Her lips parted. “We were never going to work. You’ve been running away from the beginning.
“You’ve always said you can’t understand how he did what he did, and that you’re nothing like your dad. Turns out you are wrong. You’re exactly like him, pushing away and running from the people who love you.”
I hadn’t thought there would ever be a day in my life when she wasn’t by my side, whether physically or not. But now, I was riding out into what came next all alone.
Staring back up at me was a pretty girl, a little younger than us, with a hidden smile and clear eyes. “You drew this?” I handed it back to him. “It’s all I can seem to draw.”
After knowing Keyton for three years, I couldn’t imagine him ever hurting anyone.
“Sometimes parents fucking suck. I’m not talking about getting grounded for bad grades or having to take out the trash. They’re the people who’re supposed to love us most, but it gives them an in. They can also be the people with the first crack at hurting us most.”
Just because two people made a kid doesn’t mean they’re true parents and it doesn’t mean they deserve all the chances in the world.”
I couldn’t make us work if she didn’t believe in us—in me. I couldn’t make her stop running. I couldn’t make her love me like I loved her.
I was pretty toxic. I was surprised LJ hadn’t figured that out years ago. He was right. I’d been waiting for this shoe to drop from the moment he’d first smiled at me looking up from his multiplication worksheets.
I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry I did.” “Please don’t say that.” The pain in his voice sliced me deep.
“Did you ever wish you hadn’t left, or that you’d come back for me?” The words came out in a rush, like my mouth didn’t trust the rest of my body not to take off running down the street before they all came tumbling out. He stared back at me, ruddy faced, with tears dripping off his chin onto his sweater. “Every day.”
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes—more than you ever need to know about—but they all pale in comparison to not being the dad you deserved. And that’s a regret I’ll carry for the rest of my life.
Did you get the presents I sent? Your mom said she’d give them to you, but at this point I don’t even know. She’s missed more court dates than she’s made, and each one seems to mean I’m further away from finally being able to see you again.
It’s my fault I missed so much. I should’ve fought harder, no matter what the lawyers or judges said. I should’ve, but I gave up because it hurt too much to get my hopes up only to have them killed over and over again. It’s no excuse. What kind of father doesn’t fight for his little girl?
You’re a beautiful, driven woman, and I wish I’d been the father you deserved. Love you always, Dad
I see the way you two communicate with a look, never saying a word,
The first people I was supposed to depend on had failed me.
He’d been the one person I could turn to no matter what. The one person who’d never let me down. The one person who’d lied to protect me when all it did was hurt him. He’d proven himself time and time again, but at even a hint of trouble, I’d run. No, I’d pushed him away.
There was a Marisa-sized hole in my life, and I hated it.
