Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #2)

by Matt Dinniman

“I’d like to present Dungeon Crawler Carl, the Level 13 Compensated Anarchist Primal. Welcome, Carl, to the third floor.”

“You didn’t change, either,” I said. “Of course not, Carl. Why would I stop being a cat?”

Now, if you’ve never had a flaming, skull-faced bear on roller skates barreling at you full speed, you don’t know what you’re missing.

And it made me mad, so fucking mad. I had so little of my mom, so little memory I could call my own. It was one of the few things this fucking place couldn’t possibly take from me, yet that was exactly what had just happened, and it was so unexpected, so violent, so final that I no longer cared about the stupid plan, or of trying to save my life. I just wanted to tear it all down.

I felt a slight pang that’d I’d missed out on my chance to solo-kill a city boss, but I was also certain I wouldn’t have survived the experience. Besides, I’d done something much more productive. The seeds were planted. The roots were already beginning to dig. You will not break me. Fuck you all. Quest Completed. The Show Must Go On.

I found myself thinking about my mother, my father, and of Bea. Of my few friends from before, like Billy Maloney and Sam. Of my coworkers at the boatyard. They were all gone. All I had left in this world was right here.

Mongo soon started to snore. I could feel Donut’s warmth against the back of my neck. She breathed softly, oblivious of all that had occurred tonight. This, I thought, this is my family.

“Cats don’t drink cocktails,” I said. “Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.”

“I think I liked you better when you didn’t make so much sense,” I said. “I’ve always made sense, Carl,” Donut said.

He looked off into the distance. “I don’t know why I go on. I wish I hadn’t chosen this body. I should’ve remained true to myself. We all die anyway. How can we make it to heaven if god doesn’t recognize us?” I had no answer for that.

Maybe if the television shows are good enough, people wouldn’t be so interested in watching real-life people kill each other,” she said. I didn’t say anything for several moments. “You surprise me every day, Donut.” She didn’t give me the snarky response I was expecting.

Carl’s Doomsday Scenario Type: Unstable custom explosive Effect: An explosion large enough to rattle the teeth of a god. Status: Explosion Imminent (3/1x107)

You’re not going to break me. Fuck you all.

Entrance to the fourth floor. This is where the real fun begins. Mind the gap.

Our last few hours on the third floor had gone by quickly and unexpectedly. And now that I had a moment to breathe, my heart couldn’t stop pounding. I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, my hand to my chest. How is this real? How is this my life?