Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #2)

by Matt Dinniman

“Princess Donut, Carl, little Mongo, welcome to the third floor. The training levels have concluded. Now the games may truly begin,”

“Training levels?” I said. “For fuck’s sake. You call those training levels?”

“The AI loves Carl’s tootsies,” Donut said.

Mothers call upon Primals to instill fear into their young ones. Some systems worship them as gods.”

I opened up the menu, scrolled all the way to the bottom, and I picked Primal as my race.

“I’d like to present Dungeon Crawler Carl, the Level 13 Compensated Anarchist Primal. Welcome, Carl, to the third floor.”

“My good sir, I must ask you sheath your sword immediately!” the Bopca cried. “This is a family establishment!”

Then he vomited on the floor, sat in it, and passed out.

Gordo leaned over the counter and made a face. “This is your manager?”

“Yep,” I...

He shook his head sadly. “You two ...

“Yep,” I...

Donut’s spells currently were Heal – Level 1 (Max) Torch – Level 10 Magic Missile – Level 9 Puddle Jumper – Level 3 Second Chance – Level 5 Heal Critter – Level 1 Clockwork Triplicate – Level 1

“Come on Donut,” I said. “Let’s go clown hunting.”

Why do you got to get killed? You ain’t so little as mice. I didn’t bounce you hard.

Donut? Where’s Donut?

My chest pulled with fear. No, I don’t want to be alone

It was one of my favorite books, not because I liked the story but because it felt so familiar to me, like comfort food.

It was kind of a fucked-up scene for the AI to quote, but it almost felt like it was supposed to be soothing.

“Your mother sounds very smart,” I said. “But I will be grabbing my cat, and we will be leaving now.”

Holy shit, this bitch was crazy

“I don’t know if you understand me, but you have to stay here, and you have to protect her. It’s the most important thing you’ve ever had to do. I gotta go now, but I will be back. Do you understand?”

“Oh fuck,” I said.

Somewhere in there, deep, deep down, there is a spark of the old Heather. The beloved bear has moments of lucidity as she runs down her terrified prey. In those brief moments, she thinks: Good. I’ve always hated all you assholes, anyway

Now, if you’ve never had a flaming, skull-faced bear on roller skates barreling at you full speed, you don’t know what you’re missing.

For fuck’s sake.

I am so fucked.

Something told me I wasn’t going to be having a good time.

I hate clowns

I really hate clowns. Whoever invented these things needs to be punched in the face.

And thus I entered the main arena of Grimaldi’s big top.

It’s funny how that happens sometimes. We associate smells with memories, and when that memory is triggered, we are momentarily pulled away, no matter the current circumstances. That’s exactly what happened here, as I stepped into the most fucked-up circus in the history of the universe.

I just wanted to tear it all down.

If they ask, tell them I know what I’m doing.

Do you?

Fuck no. I’m making this shit up a...

You have been infested with a parasite!

“Delicious,” I squeaked as I tried not to vomit.

You will not break me. Fuck you all.

I attempted to examine one of the dead NPCs, but the system helpfully grouped them all together for me.

Pile of Dead Hookers. Well, isn’t this awkward?

“I’m not sure where you’re from, but the cultured amongst us no longer use corpses as icebreakers. Next time maybe just bring Carl a milkshake. He likes milkshakes.”

“Cats don’t drink cocktails,” I said.

“Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.”

I had a quick memory of a goblin bomb bard who’d been doing something similar as we’d passed by. I remembered thinking he was crazy at the time. I put the bomb away, smiling sheepishly.

“Good boy,” I said later, scratching the top of his head.

“Promise me you won’t let me die alone like GumGum’s mom,” she said. “Or GumGum. I guess she died alone, too. She was probably really scared.”

“Very well,” Hekla said. A slight smile curled her lip. “Just don’t blow her up.”

“Oh, darling,” Donut said, shaking her head. “Bless your heart.”

If you’re unhappy with your government, then kick them out and set up your own, one that represents the people’s best interests.