Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze, Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors

by Patrick King

link: http://socialintelligence.labinthewild.org/.

What is this person actively and consciously portraying to me right now? What might this person be unwilling to acknowledge about themselves? How might this unacknowledged part of themselves be unconsciously driving the behavior I see on the surface? How is this person making me feel right now? Do I feel like they are projecting onto me or triggering my own shadow? How can I communicate compassion and understanding for what’s in their shadow, right now?

You’ve probably felt once or twice before as though you were dealing with a child who simply happened to be in the shape of a grown adult. If you notice someone suddenly acting with what seems like disproportionate emotion, pay attention. Feeling suddenly angry, hurt, defensive, or offended could be a clue that some nerve has been touched. The unconscious—whether that’s the shadow or the inner child, or both—has been activated somehow.

Let’s say you’re asked to work with someone new at your job. This person flakes on meetings with you and then doesn’t pitch in with their share of the work, leaving you to pick up the mess. When you confront them, they pout and deny it and sulk. You realize that this person is wholly identified with their inner child—who happens to be a naughty and rebellious child. Knowing this, you refrain from going into parent mode. You don’t take on the responsibility of chastising them and trying to find a way to bribe them to do their job. Perhaps this person learned early in life that this was the way to respond to authority, responsibilities, or things you didn’t really want to do. By deliberately engaging with your colleague’s adult aspect, however, you change the dynamic. You make it impossible for them to stay in child mode. What could have been a worse conflict ends up resolving eventually.

The pleasure principle is related to an idea that comes from economics and the attempt to predict markets and human buying behavior: the rational choice theory, embodied by the jokingly named Homo economicus. This states that all of our choices and decisions spring entirely from self-interest and the desire to bring as much pleasure to our lives as possible. It may not always hold up (otherwise market and stock prices would be one hundred percent predictable), but it provides more support for the simple nature of many of our motivations.

The first stage is physiological fulfillment. This is easily seen in the daily life of an infant. All that matters to them is that their basic needs for survival are met (i.e., food, water, and shelter). Without security in these aspects, it is difficult for anyone to focus on satisfaction in anything else—it would actually be harmful to them to seek other forms of satisfaction. So this is the baseline level of fulfillment that must first be met. The second stage is safety. If someone’s belly is full, they have clothes on their back, and they have a roof over their head, they need to find a way to ensure that those things keep on coming. They need to have a secure source of income or resources to increase the certainty and longevity of their safety. The first two stages are designed to ensure overall survival. Unfortunately, many people never make it out of these first two stages due to unfortunate circumstances, and you can plainly see why they aren’t concerned with fulfilling their potential. The third stage is love and belonging. Now that your survival is ensured, you’ll find that it is relatively empty without sharing it with people you care about. Humans are social creatures, and case studies have shown that living in isolation will literally cause insanity and mental instability, no matter how well fed or secure you are. This includes relationships with your friends and family and socializing enough so you don’t feel that you are failing in your social life. Of cours...

Let’s be clear: these aren’t lies that you dream up or concoct in advance. You do not intend to lie to yourself. You don’t even feel they’re lies. You may not even know you’re doing it, as sometimes these defense mechanisms can occur unconsciously. They’re not explicitly intellectually dishonest because you want to delude yourself. Rather, they’re automatic strategies that the constantly neurotic ego puts into action because it’s terrified of looking foolish or wrong. Unfortunately, that’s the worst zone to be in, as it means you don’t know what you don’t know.

Let’s begin with Haggard and Isaacs in the 1960s. They filmed couples’ faces during therapy and noticed little expressions that could only be caught when the film was slowed down. Later on, Paul Ekman expanded on his own theory on microexpressions and published a book, Telling Lies.

We all know how to read macroexpressions—those facial movements that last up to four seconds in duration—but there are quicker, more fleeting expressions that are so fast, they could easily be missed by the untrained eye.

Happiness is seen in lifted cheeks, with the corners of the mouth raised up and back. Wrinkles appear under the eyes, between the upper lip and nose, and in the outside corner of the eyes. In other words, the movements we’re all familiar with in an ordinary smile are there on a micro level too – you may even be perceiving these changes without your conscious awareness.

Microexpressions suggesting sadness are also what you’d expect. The outer corner of the eyes droops down, along with the corners of the lips. The lower lip may even tremble. Eyebrows may form a telltale triangle shape. For the emotion of disgust, the upper lip lifts and may be accompanied by wrinkles above it and wrinkles on the forehead. The eyes may narrow slightly as the cheeks are raised.

For anger, eyebrows lower and tense up, often at a downward angle. Eyes tighten, too, and the lips may be pursed or held stiffly open. The eyes are staring and piercing. Fear, on the other hand, entails similar contractions but upward. Whether open or closed, the mouth is tense, and both upper and lower eyelids are lifted. Finally, surprise or shock will show itself in elevated brows—rounded rather than triangular, like with sadness. The upper eyelids lift up and the lower eyelids stretch downward, opening the eyes wide. Sometimes, the jaw can hang loosely open.

Firstly, look for discrepancies between what is said and what is actually demonstrated through facial expressions.

Other classic indicators that you are being lied to include lifting the shoulders slightly while someone is vehemently confirming the truth of what they’re saying. Scratching the nose, moving the head to the side, avoiding eye contact, uncertainty in speaking, and general fidgeting also indicate someone’s internal reality is not exactly lining up with the external—i.e., they might be lying.

At any rate, people who lack the required training have been shown to be astoundingly bad at spotting liars—despite feeling as though their gut intuitions about others’ deceit is reliable. This means that even a slight increase in accuracy you might gain from understanding and implementing the microexpression theory may make all the difference. A microexpression may be small, but it’s still a data point.

The neck is a vulnerable area of the body, but one that is relatively exposed. Consider how aggressive people “go for the jugular” and you understand how the throat and neck can be unconsciously felt to be an area open for fatal attack. It makes sense then that someone unconsciously covering or stroking this area is expressing their struggle, emotional discomfort, or insecurity. Men may use this gesture more often than women; men may fidget with their ties or squeeze the top of the neck, while women may put the fingers to the suprasternal notch (the indent between the collarbones) or play nervously with a necklace.

Similarly, rubbing or touching the forehead or temples can signal emotional distress or overwhelm. A quick tap with the fingers may reveal a momentary feeling of stress, whereas a prolonged cradling of the head in both hands can spell extreme distress. In fact, you can consider any cradling, stroking, or rubbing movement as the physical clue of a person’s need to self-pacify. This could mean touching cheeks when the person feels nervous or frightened, rubbing or licking the lips, massaging the earlobes, or running the fingers through the hair or beard.

An unexpected stress release response is yawning—rather than indicating boredom, the body’s sudden attempt to draw in more oxygen during stressful times is even seen in other animals. “Leg cleansing” is another, and it entails wiping down the legs as though to wash them or brush off dust. This can be missed if it’s hidden under a table, but if you can notice it, it is a strong indication of an attempt to self-soothe during stressful moments.

Someone who is highly unresponsive to a request or who feels attacked or criticized may cross their arms as if to say, “Back off.” Raising the arms to the chest during an argument is a classic blocking gesture, almost as if the words being exchanged were literally thrown, causing an unconscious reflex to fend them off. On a similar note, slumping, loose arms can indicate defeat, disappointment, or despair. It’s as though the body is physically broadcasting the nonphysical sentiment of “I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. I give up.”

On the other hand (pun intended) wringing and rubbing the hands is more likely to demonstrate a lack of feeling in control or doubt in one’s own abilities. Again, this is a pacifying gesture designed to release tension. Hands are our tools to effect change in the world and bring about our actions. When we fidget, wring our hands, or clench our fists, we are demonstrating a lack of ease and confidence in our abilities or find it difficult to act confidently.

Physiologically, our legs and feet are all about, unsurprisingly, movement. Busy feet could suggest an unexpressed desired to get moving, either literally or figuratively! It’s also been said that feet point in the direction they unconsciously wish to go. Both toes turned toward the conversation partner can signal “I’m here with you; I’m present in this conversation” whereas feet angled toward an exit could be a clue that the person really would prefer to leave.

Women may dangle shoes off the tips of the toes in flirtatious moments, slipping a shoe on and off the heel again. Without getting too Freudian about it, the display of feet and legs can indicate comfort and even intimacy with someone. On the other hand, locking the feet and ankles can be part of a freeze response when someone really doesn’t like a situation or person.

If they “stand their ground” and stay where they are, they’re demonstrating comfort with the situation, you, and themselves. Taking a step back or turning the entire torso and feet to the side suggests that you may have gotten too close for their comfort. They may even take a step closer, signaling that they are happy with the contact and may even escalate it further.

Those postures that take up room and expand are all associated with dominance, assertiveness, and authority. Hands on the hips, hands held regally behind the back (doesn’t it make you think of royalty or a dignified soldier who is unafraid of attack?), or even arms laced behind the neck as one leans back in a chair—all signify comfort and dominance. When you are becoming aware of people’s body language, ask in the first instance whether their actions, gestures, and postures are constricting or expanding. Is the face open or closed? Are the hands and arms spread wide and held loose and far from the body, or are the limbs kept close and tense? Is the facial expression you’re looking at pulled tight or loose and open? Is the chin held high (sign of confidence) or tucked in (sign of uncertainty)?

Mirroring is a fundamental human instinct; we tend to match and mimic the behavior and expressions of those we like or agree with, while we don’t if we dislike a person or perceive them negatively. If you’re in a meeting with a new client, you may notice that no matter how friendly your voice or how often you smile and make open-handed, warm gestures, they respond with coldness and closed gestures, failing to mirror back to you your optimism. Here, the gestures themselves are irrelevant; it’s the fact that they are not shared which shows you that the person you’re dealing with is unreceptive, hostile, or threatened.

Similarly, a family may have the father as the official “leader,” and he may gesture and talk loudly to cement this perception. But pay attention and you may see that it’s his wife who is constantly deferred to, and every member of the family may show with their body language that it is in fact their mother’s needs that take precedence, despite what’s claimed verbally.

In an experiment, Pouw asked six people to make a simple noise (like “aaaaa”) but to pair it with different arm and hand gestures as they spoke. He then asked thirty other participants to listen to recordings of the sounds only. Surprisingly, the participants were able to guess what the accompanying movements were and even mimic them for themselves. They could say what the movement was, where it was performed and even how quickly the gesture was made!

people who are less agreeable may find they take less of an interest in other people’s lives. Instead of trying to work together to solve a problem, they may be more content to go it alone. They’re not agreeable because they are determined to do exactly what they want to do. Because of their nature, they may often be perceived as offensive or unpleasant to be around.

Do you find yourself using humor to cope with a challenge, or do problems tend to stress you out? Are you pretty levelheaded all day long, or do you switch from hot to cold in a heartbeat? If you take things in stride and usually only have one mood per day, you’re probably less neurotic than others. But if you have many moods in the space of a short amount of time and are anxious more often than not, you’re probably on the more neurotic side.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

Thus, the MBTI was developed with the intention of helping people find jobs and careers that were better suited to their innate personalities. As mentioned, there are four general dichotomies or traits: For personality, the spectrum is extroverted (E) to introverted (I). For perception, the spectrum is sensing (S) to intuition (N). For judging, the spectrum is thinking (T) to feeling (F). For implementation, the spectrum is judging (J) to perceiving (P).

An extrovert and his energy expression mainly happen in the external world. When in the presence and company of others, extroverts are able to recharge. For an introvert, his source of energy mainly happens in his internal world. Having space to himself or herself is ideal and can prove to be the best mode of recharging that energy expression. Extroverted people are action-oriented in comparison to introverted people, who are more thought-oriented. For instance, in a classroom, extroverted students like to participate in group discussions and presentations. Their interactions with other students provide that sense of charge for their personality types. An introverted student would rather work alone on projects and feel somewhat uncomfortable during whole class discussions. They like being able to think on their own and work through assessments by themselves as well.

The third dichotomy, thinking versus feeling, has to do with how a person processes information. Thinking is when someone makes a decision mainly through the process of logical thinking. They also think in tangible means, where they look to rules to guide their decision-making. Opposite to this is the feeling where someone would rather make a decision based on emotion. For decisions, these people look to what they value as a means for choosing their best option. They may deem thinkers as being cold and heartless. Thinking mostly occurs when someone lays out all the possible and practical reasons for making a sound decision. Basically, someone is going to make a decision using one’s brain. Feeling is when someone will make that decision from the heart. People who purchase homes will either sign the paperwork based on pricing and resale value (thinking) versus those buying to stay in their old neighborhoods (feeling).

There are nine types that can be identified when taking this test. Type One—The Reformer. These types of people are usually concerned with always being right and have a high level of integrity. They can also be deemed as being judgmental and self-righteous. Examples include priests and doctors. Type Two—The Helper. These people have a yearning to be loved and appreciated. They are usually very generous but can also be seen as manipulative and prideful. Examples include mothers and teachers. Type Three—The Achiever. These types of people love to be praised and applauded. They are workaholics, which can make them narcissistic and vain. Examples include actors and students. Type Four—The Individualist. Typically, these types will search for meaning in their lives with a need to be unique. They are certainly creative but can also be moody and temperamental. Examples include musicians and painters. Type Five—The Investigator. These people strive to be knowledgeable and competent. Most of the time, they are very objective, but they have the tendency to hoard themselves away. An example includes researchers. Type Six—The Loyalist. These people are thoughtful in their planning and are very loyal to anyone they care about. They do question everything, and this can make them suspicious and paranoid. Examples include survivalists and police officers. Type Seven—The Enthusiast. These types of people like adventure and are very energetic. They make the best of everything,...

You can remember the traits easily with the acronym OCEAN: openness to experience (trying new things), conscientiousness (being cautious and careful), extroversion (drawing energy from others and social situations), agreeableness (warm and sympathetic), and neuroticism (anxious and high-strung).

The traits are generally introverted/extroverted (your general attitude toward others), intuitive/feeling (how you perceive information), thinking/feeling (how you process information), and perceiving/judging (how you implement information). Thus, this creates sixteen distinct personality types.

The Keirsey temperaments are a way of organizing the same information gleaned from the MBTI. Here, there are four distinct temperaments, each with two types of roles instead of sixteen personality types. The four temperaments are guardian, artisan, idealistic, and rational. Keirsey estimated that up to eighty percent of the population fell into the first two temperaments.

Enneagram is the final personality test we cover in this chapter. It is composed of nine general types of personalities: reformer, helper, achiever, individualist, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger, and peacemaker. Each type is composed of a specific set of traits, and in this way, it functions more similarly to Keirsey’s temperaments.

For most people, lying is understood as an absolute moral wrong. We don’t like to lie, but we also hate to think that we’ve been fooled by a liar. If we have an unconscious belief that nobody would really lie to us, or that we could detect it if they did, we are preserving our ego somewhat, and assuring ourselves that the world is largely a just place. Most people are good and honest, and they simply don’t like sitting in judgment of another, preferring the comfort of extending trust—how many of us falsely believe that others will behave with all the same moral scruples as we would?

If they genuinely think you’d just made a mistake, they may go along with the claim for ease.

A person struggling to keep up with their own lie will display many of the signs and clues Navarro talks about: pursed lips, angling the body away, touching the neck or face, or ventilating—i.e., doing things to cool off, such as opening the top button of a shirt or brushing hair off the neck and face.

A great way to observe the interplay between emotion and the cognitive load of recounting a fictional narrative, is to ask directly about emotions. Many people rehearse details but don’t plan ahead with how they’re going to respond emotionally (i.e., pretend!).

This makes people more susceptible to displaying non-verbal behavioral cues than they normally would be. For instance, people blink more often when they lie because of arousal. Speech disturbances, slips of tongue, pupil dilation, are more signs of lying. Moreover, the frequency of these signs is also directly correlated with the complexity of the lie. So, if a person is blinking a lot more than the average person does, the scale of their lie is probably big too.

General Tips for Better-than-Average Lie-Detecting Sit back and let the other person volunteer information, rather than pulling it out of them. Don’t let on what you know too early—or at all. Stay relaxed and causal. What you are observing is not the person themselves, but the person as they are in a quasi-interrogational situation with you. So don’t make it seem like an inquisition, otherwise you may simply be watching them feel distressed about the situation itself. Don’t worry about individual signs and clues like touching the nose, looking up to the right or stuttering. Rather, look at how the person responds in general to shifts in the conversation, especially at junctures where you believe they may be having to concoct a story on the fly. Listen for stories that seem unusually long or detailed—liars use more words, and they may even talk more quickly. Take your time. It may be a while before you uncover a deception. But the longer the other person talks, the more chance they have of slipping up or getting their story tangled. Watch primarily for inconsistencies—details of the story that don’t add up, emotional expressions that don’t fit the story, or abrupt shifts in the way the story is told. Being chatty and then all of a sudden getting quiet and serious when you ask a particular question is certainly telling. Always interpret your conversation in light of what you already know, the context, and other details you’ve observed in your interactions with this person....

Most people are not as good at spotting deception as they think they are. Bias, expectation and the belief that we can’t or shouldn’t be lied to can get in the way of realizing we’re being deceived.

Good lie detection is a dynamic process that focuses on the conversation. Use open ended questions to get people to surrender information voluntarily, and observe. Look out for overly wordy stories that are presented all at once, inconsistencies in the story or emotional affect, delays or avoidance in answering questions, or inability to answer unexpected questions.

Certain psychological studies have shown that the accuracy of people’s assessment of others doesn’t improve beyond the initial appraisal they make within the first five minutes. This could mean either that first impressions never change, or that people really can gather everything they need to know within just a few moments.

Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking,

Judges use it (often called “court sense”), military and police officers use it, firefighters and first responders use it, and people have used it to find romantic partners, whether they’re speed dating or not.

Has the way someone has written a text message ever left you thinking less of them?