Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze, Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors

by Patrick King

A 2006 study published in Social Influence found that obscenity and swearing had the effect of making people think the speaker was more intense and persuasive—but interestingly it didn’t affect their perceived credibility.

A related study in the Journal of Research in Personality has found that text message language can tell you a lot about a person, for example more personal pronouns (I, me, mine) correlate with extroversion, neuroticism correlates with negative emotion words and agreeableness with more positive emotion words.

Liars tend to speak more (the old “protesting too much”) and use more sense words (i.e., to do with seeing, touching etc.) and fewer personal pronouns (perhaps unconsciously distancing themselves or subtly blaming others).

Essentially, the person telling the lie is going to default to stories that are easier to keep track of and relay. They may avoid the use of causal terms (for example, “X did so-and-so because of Y, and that caused Z to happen . . .”) since these are slightly more complex to hold in the brain than simply relating a string of events.

One thing to watch out for is whether a person uses complex terminology when it isn’t explicitly needed. People who use atypical words in their everyday conversations without overdoing it tend to be more popular and well-liked because they come across as intelligent. However, if you notice that someone is unnecessarily speaking in jargon when they don’t need to, this reflects desperation to be perceived as someone who is smart and knowledgeable. This is useful to know when you’re analyzing someone who is in a position of authority, such as a politician, a financial adviser, a boss, etc. If they overuse jargon, you’ll know not to trust them, or if they’re your boss, to use it to your advantage.

Someone who is constantly using “we” when they have just met you is trying to tell you something—that they see you as on their side, or at least they want you to be. On the other hand a person who speaks almost exclusively in “I” statements could be showing where their focus really lies.

interesting research by Pennebaker and colleagues found that depressed people use “I” more than non-depressed people, arguably because their low mood causes them to fixate on themselves. To add even more confusion, Professor Richard Wiseman has conducted studies to show that including “I” in a claim is more common in truth-tellers, but omitting “I” can signal a deception. In Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address, he used “I” 29 times and “we” only once. To compare, President Obama’s 2012 speech used “I” a whopping 88 times… but then he also used “we” ten times. What does it all mean> Well, depending on the reporter’s political affiliation, these observations could be used to arrive at several different conclusions.

But there are guidelines to follow, and avenues to explore. Consider the following questions during your next conversation: Does the person use a lot of pronouns or mostly talk about others? Financial analyst Laura Rittenhouse believes that the more times the word “I” occurs in annual shareholder letters, the worse a company’s performance overall. Are the words very emotional and dramatic or plain, neutral and fact-based only? Is there a lot of jargon or technical language? What’s its function? Does the person use a lot of “$10 words” when simpler terminology would work? Why? Does the person swear a lot? What does this tell you about the other data you’ve gathered? What does their vocabulary tell you about the particular model or frame of reference they’re using? For example, do they call a disagreement an “attack” or call employees “colleagues”? Is the person using words they know you don’t understand—or words that only you and they share? Why? Are they creating solidarity and familiarity or trying to exclude you in a power play? Are pronouns like you, your, yourself being used to blame, direct attention to someone else, or manipulate? Is the person mimicking your language—are they repeating little phrases or words you use? This could be a sign they’re seeking agreement and harmony.

Someone who wears predominantly work clothing, even outside work hours, is communicating that their identity is bound up with what they do for a living. This could apply to stay at home parents, too—a mother who wears sturdy shoes, old tights and a stained hoodie might be not-so-subtly telling you that the needs of her family rank higher than her need to express her individuality!

More formal dress typically accompanies greater conscientiousness, while wearing darker colors can be an indicator of neuroticism. Plenty of accessories can indicate extroversion (remember the Christmas decorations?).

According to Gosling, possessions and artifacts can be broken down into roughly three categories: Those objects that make identity claims—items that show our personality, value or sense of identity directly. Ornaments, posters, awards, photos, jewelry and adornment (think a gold cross around the neck or a Celtic knot tattoo). Look at the space and ask, who lives here? What kind of person owns this item? Objects that act as feeling regulators—the things that help people manage their own emotional state. An inspirational quote, a picture of a loved one, sentimental items. These all tell you what the person values and cherishes most. Finally, items that are behavioral residues—these are the things left behind in the ordinary course of life. These could be things like piles of old Vodka bottles in the corner, an unfinished book next to the sofa, a half-finished craft project on the dining room table. These give you a neat glimpse into people’s habits and behaviors.

So what, right? As it happens, a person’s chronotype—or their own unique circadian rhythm patterns—can tell you something about their personality. Research by Michael Breus has suggested that those who are early risers but fade before 10 p.m. are more likely to be extroverted, ambitious and socially oriented. Those who are night owls have been found to have slightly higher rates of what are called the “dark triad” personality traits—narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.

Those who have sleeping schedules that are all over the place are said to have a different chronotype all together; these light sleepers can get stressed out easily, and tend to be more anxious and conscientious than other types.

If you’re trying to get a read on someone and get the chance to shake their hand, pay attention to those few vital moments: a limp “dead fish” handshake can mean a few things, such as low self-esteem, disinterest, or noncommitment. Sweaty palms can signify anxiety, although not always—some people may just have naturally sweaty palms, so look for corroborating signs.

Look to see who initiates the shake. Those who lean in close and squeeze too hard are trying to control the situation, perhaps even to dominate the meeting somehow. When a person tries to angle their hand so that their palm is facing more to the ground, they are symbolically trying to “get on top” and command the situation, or to control you.

As with hugging, look to see who breaks first from the shake—pulling back immediately is a sign of reluctance or hesitance, while lingering and shaking up and down longer than is comfortable can signify someone trying to persuade or reassure you. If someone offers you a dainty, limp hand for you to shake, almost like a queen would offer her subject to kiss—well, this speaks for itself!

How do people typically gain self-awareness? The focus is geared around people asking themselves simple and direct questions that hopefully hint at realizations just outside our conscious knowledge. Typically, they’ll ask themselves questions, again, such as “What makes me happy and fulfilled?” Such direct questions should be considered a mediocre starting point, because these questions force you to ramble and create an answer out of nothing. It often doesn’t lead to much insight other than pretty platitudes. You might lie or even interpret the question in unhelpful ways. Seriously, try to answer that previous question in a way that actually gives you some meaning and direction. What about if you were asked something like, “What parts of your week do you look forward to the most” or “What would you do if you won the lottery and could choose how to spend your time?” or “What is your favorite type of long-term vacation?” These questions elicit concrete answers—specific pieces of you or other people—that you can work with and seek to delve into. Really, we are asking about people’s behaviors, which provide the best basis for understanding people. Thoughts and intentions are important, but ultimately, if they are never translated into action, they are useless for our purposes.

For instance, what if you were to ask someone where they obtained their news and which television channel, which set of publications, which magazines, and which pundits or hosts they preferred? It’s a prime illustration of an indirect question that lets you understand quite a bit about how they think. It involves a bit of extrapolation and guesswork, but at least there’s a concrete piece of information to go on and many concrete associations with

1. What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and what punishment would you work hardest to avoid? The answer to this question might help identify the true motive behind an individual’s drive. Beyond surface-level things, what is really motivating people? What do they really care about? And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them? On an instinctual level, what really matters the most in both a positive and negative way? In a way, this answer also reflects values.

2. Where do you want to spend money, and where do you accept skimping on or skipping altogether? This answer reveals what matters to someone’s life and what they want to experience or avoid. This is not really about the item or items to be purchased; there comes a point where material belongings no longer have a use, and it’s about what those items represent and provide. For example, sometimes, spending money on experiences instead of a new purse has the potential to improve someone’s overall well-being and outlook on life. Again, look for the underlying emotions and motivations behind the answer.

What is your most personally significant and meaningful achievement and also your most meaningful disappointment or failure? It’s common that experiences, whether they’re good or bad, shape people into who they are. Achievements and failures tie into how someone sees oneself. Significant experiences also tend to create their self-identities—you are this kind of person because you did this and succeeded or failed. We can’t escape the fact that past occurrences will often influence our current and future actions. They don’t have to, but this isn’t a book about changing your mindsets. The point is that large events will reverberate throughout our entire lives.

What is effortless and what is always exhausting? This is a question that is designed to better understand what people actually enjoy. Something that is effortless isn’t always an innate talent, but rather an indication that they enjoy it. On the other hand, something that is always exhausting is not always about people’s lack of competency, but rather a distaste for the actual activity. Thus, answers to this question can indicate where people find natural joy and enjoyment, even if they don’t realize it themselves.

you could design a character in a game, what traits would you emphasize and which would you ignore? This question asks what people see as their ideal self and also what they feel is less important in the world. Imagine that you have a limited number of points to give a person but six traits to spread the points across. Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster, and which will you choose to leave average or even lacking?

What animal best describes you?

The great thing about this question is that it’s a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight. People are far more comfortable talking about certain traits they admire in others than they are about talking directly about themselves. You might also find that asking this question has people feeling very willing to share revealing information that they otherwise might have felt too uncomfortable to reveal.

The best way to pose this question is as casually as possible. Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling for a serious answer—ironically, this attitude will quickly reach past people’s defenses and have them blurting out information about themselves that can be incredibly meaningful. What they tell you immediately after is important—whatever is top of their mind is the aspect of themselves they likely see as most important, most relevant or most fixed.

Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore? A mythical animal? A pest? A domesticated animal or a wild, slightly dangerous one? Such a question adds immense depth and color to your understanding of the person—and it does so in their own terms.

What would you rescue from a fire in your home?

What scares you most?

Many of the above questions are focused on values, principles, priorities, desires. But of course, you can also learn a lot about a person by what they actively avoid, detest and fear. This tells you not only what they do value, but also how they see themselves. After all, it makes sense that you would fear the thing you most felt unable to protect yourself against, or the thing that you felt was most harmful to you personally. This can yield enormous amounts of insight into how a person sees their own strengths and limitations.

Takeaways There is a wealth of information we can observe and analyze when trying to understand other people, but we usually don’t have a lot of time to do it. Using small amounts of data to make accurate assessments is called “thin slicing.” Snap decisions based on thin slicing can be surprisingly accurate. A good technique is to trust your initial unconscious reactions (intuition) but supplement this with more deliberate observations after the fact. Note the words people use in their texts and e-mails, for example their use of pronouns, active/passive voice, swearing, accent, word choice and so on. Also note how emotionally charged someones words are, and if this amount is appropriate to the context they are used in. For example, using overly negative language in seemingly benign situations can be an indicator of bad mental health or low self-esteem Read a person’s home and possessions like you would their body language and voice: examine the closedness or openness of a home to determine sociability, for example. Notice both, what there is an excess of and what is conspicuously lacking in the spaces one occupies frequently. Personal possessions can make identity claims, can speak to the way a person regulates their own emotions, or can be evidence of certain past behaviors or habits. You can also rely on people’s behavior online to discern what kind of person they are, albeit some caution is necessary here. Pay attention to what kind of pictures people post and the emoti...