Lilac

by B.B. Reid

“Hard facts, Fawn.” My soul felt like the imaginary lint he’d flicked off his shirt moments ago. I thought I hated his pet name for me until he cruelly deprived me of it. “You’re not our equal. You’re barely a step above a groupie, so don’t kid yourself.” Turning on the heel of his expensive shoes, my heart trapped underneath, Loren started to leave the room. Stopping at the threshold, he looked over his shoulder. “And just so we’re all on the same page, Houston doesn’t respect you any more than I do. He wants you, too, but he tells himself he can’t have you. And if he can’t, no one can. Your savior is just a selfish bastard.” Loren was gone before my mind could untwist itself. He couldn’t fuck my body, so he’d settled for my head. Houston stood there, watching the space where Loren had just been, his fists balled and muscles bunched tight. I patiently waited for him to turn and deny Loren’s claim. He never did.

We’d been on the road for a couple of hours now with six or seven more to go. Vegas was the third city of the tour and our fourth and fifth shows. I was just eager to get there. If nothing else got me excited, gambling, music, sex, and now Braxton fucking Fawn did the trick.

I was lying in my bunk with the curtain closed, trying to drown out the sound of her voice as she goofed around with Rich. I hated that he knew how to get a smile out of her. It wasn’t just because I was jealous. She was the enemy. A sexy little insurgent. If it were up to me, I’d drive her ass to the deepest part of the desert and leave her there. Braxton was trouble, and we caused enough on our own.

Rich might have a knack for making her smile, and Houston had mastered making her obey, but I was the only one who lowered her guard. Enough to be vulnerable.

“If I tell you, will you back off?” “Sure.” “I mean off me. I can feel your dick, dude.” “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. What I am is waiting.” She let out a long groan before fidgeting. “It’s been a while, okay?” Interesting. “What are we talking? Days? Weeks? What?” She refused to look at me, which made my heart rate rise. “Months?” When she didn’t respond, I wondered what that meant until she shuffled her feet again and wrinkled her nose. My jaw dropped, making her wince and confirm the conclusion my mind had already drawn. “Are you telling me that you haven’t been fucked in years?” “It’s not a big deal.” “Oh, but it is. It’s a huge deal. Gargantuan. Monstrous. Enormous. How did this happen?” I sounded as if someone had told me the world was going to end in three days. If I wanted inside Braxton before, I was foaming at the mouth to fuck her now. I wanted to howl at the moon over her poor, neglected pussy.

“It was my choice.” “No shit. No one sane would refuse to fuck you, baby fawn. This is one hundred percent your fault. Now tell me why you’d do this to yourself.” “That wasn’t part of the deal.” “I want to renegotiate.” “And I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she snapped. I didn’t have to look deep to see that the anger brimming her eyes was real. It latched onto my own rage coiling inside of me as my mind turned over the reasons why until it settled on the darkest possible conclusion. I immediately took a step back, giving her the space she coveted and hating myself for not listening sooner. “Did someone hurt you?” The words were out of my mouth before I considered whether I had the right to ask them. I was itching to turn this bus around and tear apart California until I found the dead fuck who dared.

“I underestimated you,” Loren greeted as I approached. I let his gaze rake over me once I stopped in front of him and returned the favor by doing the same to him. Loren wore all black, making his blond hair appear lighter and his eyes even darker. The double-breasted vest he wore had white pinstripes, and he’d pushed up his shirt sleeves to show off the veins in his forearms and expensive watch. He’d even buttoned the front and tucked his medallion inside. “How so?” Pulling me close, Loren gripped my chin before whispering, “I bet you knew exactly how crazy you’d drive me in that dress. A virgin wouldn’t have a clue.”

“Something tells me you underestimate women in general.” He snorted before letting me go. “No, just you.”

“Satisfied?” I asked after he settled in next to me. My gold dress only stopped mid-thigh, much shorter than I remembered when I splurged on it a year ago. It wasn’t the kind of “flash” I was going for, but it had Vegas written all over it. “You’d have to be wearing considerably less.” I pressed my thighs together, but of course, he clocked my every move. I’d underestimated him too. Loren wasn’t the airhead he pretended to be. He was smart, observant, and quick. What I liked most, but would never admit, was that he didn’t care about rules. “Just say when.”

Now my head was spinning. It seemed to be a side effect whenever I strayed too close to Houston, Loren, or Jericho.

“You didn’t have to do that.” “I disagree,” he casually said as he led me through the dimly lit foyer. “She didn’t have to be a bitch to you.”

Glancing down at me, I wasn’t prepared for him to usher me inside a dark alcove and hem me against the wall. When he circled his arms around my waist and pulled me close, I let him. No matter what Loren said or did, when his hands were in play, he had me. Because his touch felt like finding home, and I was too easily won.

“Haven’t you learned that when a boy likes a girl, he treats her like utter shit? It’s textbook.” “I’ve heard that, but I didn’t buy it when I was six, and I don’t buy it now.”

“Afraid you’ll like it?” “Yes.” Surprised, Loren lifted his head from the shoulder he was still kissing. “I’m afraid I’ll like it too much, and I won’t be able to stop.”

“Please don’t get into a fight,” I pleaded with him. The men were gone, but Loren didn’t seem the least bit appeased. I could see the contemplation in his eyes to go after them.

“You said no one hurt you.” It was then I realized he was still obsessing over my confession. “There’s only one other thing that makes sense.” “Do tell.” I rolled my eyes, but he never lost his serious expression. “No one ever made it good for you. You can’t miss something you never enjoyed.”

“I told you…if I start, I can’t stop, and…” “And?” he prodded at the same time pressing his hips against mine when I fell silent. He seemed so desperate to get inside my head. Even though he’d done nothing to earn my trust, I still felt the need to let him. “And no one’s ever been able to keep up with me.”

“You okay?” I asked her when Houston finished berating her for disappearing this morning, this time alone but without security. She was sitting alone on the sofa, heels off, and rubbing her small feet with a grimace. “Fabulous,” she grumbled without looking up. The link between my brain and my body disconnected long enough for me to take the foot she was rubbing between my hands and kneed the pad of her foot. And I was painfully aware of the fact that this hadn’t gone unnoticed. From the corner of my eye, I saw Loren storm off, bursting through a door marked “No Exit” and setting off the alarm.

“Wait,” she said, making me pause. “I have critics? Already?” “That’s what you heard?” “I’m human, remember?” she tossed back at me sweetly. “So I’m guessing you haven’t been on Twitter lately.” “No.” She winced and then grimaced. “Do I want to look?” “No.” I could see the curiosity burning in her brown eyes and knew the moment my back was turned that she’d find herself in the middle of a shitstorm.

We were moments from playing our fourth show, and Braxton had been nothing short of amazing. She hadn’t reached Calvin’s level, but it was becoming clear that she’d surpass him. It wasn’t enough, though. She was currently being ripped apart from every corner of the earth, and until I let the cat out of the bag, she’d been oblivious to it. Quiet as it was kept, those critics were why Houston blew his top anytime Braxton was out of his sight.

That’s what happens when two competing powerhouses refuse to give up control—Houston had trouble letting go, and Loren hated being told what to do. I…just wanted my best friends back.

Houston and Brax started toward the stage. I watched as Houston said something too low for me to hear, and Braxton’s spine straightened as her hands made fists. Yeah, I’d bet Bound’s net worth that she’d be taking a swing at him before the tour was over.

With each song we performed together, it felt less like I was some weird attachment that Bound couldn’t shake and more like I was Bound. Mine.

After two days of the cold shoulder and long, sullen silences from all three of my bandmates, I’ve had time to ruminate. I wanted to scare him off. Instead, I dangled fruit in his face and then forbade him to feast from my garden. Now Loren was pissed, and I understood why, but that didn’t mean I would spread my legs to make him feel better.

“I know you’re awake,” he whispered, causing my heart to feel like it was falling. “I know you were listening. Loren didn’t mean any of it, Braxton. You don’t want to believe me right now, but I know him better than you do. He doesn’t know how to handle what he feels because he’s never felt it before. Just…just give him some time.”

Opening the bedroom door, I tiptoed inside. As expected, Loren was sprawled face down across the bed in yesterday’s clothes and snoring. Loudly. Flipping him off as if he could see me, I hurried for the bathroom. I wanted to be done before he woke—if he even could this early while hungover. I hated him.

I spun on my heel and shoved Loren with every ounce of strength I had. Since he was hungover and not expecting it, he was forced back several steps before catching his footing. The confused look in his eyes only riled me up more because I knew then that he had no recollection of last night. Wasn’t that just great? He hurts me, and I’m the only one left with the memory.

“Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I’m stupid when I drink.” I had no words as I gaped at him for that lame-ass excuse. Sadly, I’d given him more credit than he’d deserved. “So what’s your excuse when you’re sober?” He flinched. “Let me make it up to you.” “It means nothing when you can’t remember what you did.”

I wasn’t just losing control of Bound. I was losing it altogether. With Braxton around, I didn’t know which way was up. This wasn’t going to work.

“Do you think we’d have time to see it? If you don’t already have plans, I mean.” “No, I don’t have plans,” Rich rushed to say. Instantly, I wracked my brain for some shit to keep him busy until the show. I had a goddamn mutiny on my hands, and Braxton was the cause. She had me wanting to go against myself most days, and she wasn’t even my type. I liked something I could bend.

She let out a laugh that was entirely humorless. “It must be exhausting to be so in love with yourself.”

Braxton shot out of her seat, and I thought she’d take a swing at me. She had the intent in her eyes but no real conviction. It would have solved all my problems. I could choke the life from her, claim self-defense, and find a new guitarist—definitely someone who didn’t tempt me at every turn.

By now, Rich had both hands gripping his black hair, his silver and gold-flecked gaze wild with indecision. He wanted to come to Braxton’s rescue but wasn’t sure if she was worth the risk. Our friendship was rocky enough without this extra catalyst, which was why she had to go. If I were in his shoes, there’s no question what I would do. I would have never let her attention be stolen in the first place.

The longer I knew Braxton, the less I understood her. “Let me go, Houston.” “Convince me that we understand each other.” “I told you what it would take,” she returned. “I don’t respect you, Braxton. I never will. You’re useful, but that doesn’t make you our equal.” For a moment, the little hope she held vanished from her big, round eyes. She looked lost and frustrated until that defiant gleam I hated so much returned tenfold. “Then what are we even talking about?”

“Last chance, Bambi. Look down or bow down. Just show me who’s in charge.” She smiled at me. What I felt from that simple gesture, that unspoken challenge…I wasn’t this excited when Bound scored a record deal or received its first platinum. Braxton made life more than just interesting. She made it worth living. Loren and Jericho challenged me, but neither of them ever made my dick hard while doing it.

One day, I’d figure out how she managed to appear both innocent and insolent at the same time. This was the paradox of Braxton Fawn—to look like heaven on earth while wreaking havoc on my peace of mind.

Fear and acceptance of what was about to happen crashed together like a wave returning to the sea. It was the moment I crossed the line I’d drawn with no remorse. There was only the undeniable truth that I was fucked.

Groaning his pleasure at the way I filled his hands, he lifted me. My legs ended up wrapped around his trim waist. His lips never left mine. I was the air he needed to breathe, and he was mine.

I spread my legs to make room for him, and he rewarded me by pressing his cock against the thin layer keeping him from being inside of me. All he’d done was kiss me.

No question I’d let him tear me apart and piece me back together however he wanted me. I wanted to be the precious thing he took for himself and never let go. I was willing to give him anything if he never stopped touching me in return.

“What just happened?” The confused dip of his brows would have been adorable if I weren’t shaking like a leaf in a tornado. “Get your ass back over here, Fawn.”

“Goddamn it,” Houston swore through gritted teeth, “tell me and stop beating around the bush!” “Sex,” I told him with a gasp. I couldn’t quite catch my breath after that. “I’m addicted to sex, Houston.” I didn’t get a response because a noise had stolen Houston’s attention. I followed his glower to the door behind him, where Loren and Rich stood looking like a train was barreling toward them. When I imagined all the ways they might discover my secret, this had been so far from it.

Texting back and forth with Griff and Maeko helped. They were sending me clips and shots of the show that had already surfaced online as if I hadn’t been there. Sweat beaded my brow, and my heart began pounding at the last photo they’d sent. Someone, somehow, had captured a picture of Loren and me staring at one another. I wasn’t aware before now how much could be said in one look. And it wasn’t one of those grainy, faraway shots either. Nope. It was a close-up with crystal fucking clarity.

Suddenly realizing this was our first conversation, he stuck out his hand. “I’m Alex.” “Braxton,” I offered while shaking his hand. “Yeah, I know,” he teased with the beginnings of a blush blooming on his cheeks. “Everyone knows who you are.” “Oh, yeah?” I tried my best to sound excited. Any other time I would have been. “Yeah, you’re pretty awesome.”

“Do you know why I’m being moved? Sorry, no one told me.” “Houston thought you’d be more comfortable on another bus.” Thankfully, Alex didn’t pry. Spilling my guts is what got me in this position, so I wasn’t about to do it again. “Should I wait until he’s back or…?” Alex let the question hang in the air. “No. It’s fine. I guess he just forgot to tell me,” I lied. That pedantic, priggish pile of pig shit hadn’t forgotten a damn thing, and neither would I. For now, I breathed in and out through my nose, forcing my anger to wait its turn.

“Where is everyone?” I questioned while looking around and waiting for someone to appear. “They were all split up and moved around. This baby’s all yours.” This time around, it was hard not to react. Was separating themselves from me really that dire? They’d actually vacated an entire bus so that they wouldn’t have to share a space with me anymore. I had privacy now, but I wasn’t grateful for it. I was angry enough to scream and afraid of how alone I’d be by the end of the tour. There would be nothing to distract me from my thoughts and the fear of what was happening hundreds and soon to be thousands of miles away.

I’d be more than comfortable here with no one to share the space. My problem was the real reason I’d been moved, and it wasn’t for my comfort. I’d been exiled. I could feel the invisible branding of a familiar scarlet letter on my chest even now.

“I knew you were a dick. I had no idea you were this cold.” When we returned to the bus, the first thing I noticed was that Braxton was missing. She always came straight home after a show to eat, shower, and ignore us the rest of the night with her headphones in and music on full blast.

“Think what you want, but it was for her sake, too,” Houston claimed. I caught Rich rolling his eyes and smirked. Interesting. “Oh, thank heavens. I was afraid you only kicked her out for you.”

When in Rome… Except, this territory that we’d stumbled upon didn’t have any rules. This was the first time the three of us had been after the same girl. It would help if one of us had even the smallest claim to her, but she didn’t seem to know who she wanted, either. She went on a date with me, kissed Houston, and treated Rich like her white knight. Braxton wasn’t Rome. She was no-man’s-land.