Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.

Remember the signs that you need boundaries: You feel overwhelmed.

You feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

The Meaning of Boundaries They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. They are a self-care practice. They define roles in relationships.

They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs. They are a way to communicate your needs to others. They are a way to create healthy relationships. They are a way to create clarity. They are a way to feel safe.

Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.

Boundaries are essential at all ages. They change in relationships, just as the people in relationships change.

Porous Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety, and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Kim from the opening story is an example of how porous boundaries can manifest and damage well-being. Porous boundaries look like Oversharing Codependency Enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and another person) Inability to say no People-pleasing Dependency on feedback from others Paralyzing fear of being rejected Accepting mistreatment

People with rigid boundaries do not allow exceptions to their stringent rules even when it would be healthy for them to do so. If

Rigid boundaries look like Never sharing Building walls Avoiding vulnerability Cutting people out Having high expectations of others Enforcing strict rules Examples of rigid boundary setting: Saying no harshly as a way to discourage people from asking you in the future Having a rule that you never watch your sister’s kids

Healthy Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

Examples of healthy boundary setting: Saying no without apologizing because it’s the healthiest choice for you at that moment Supporting people financially, when appropriate, and when you can do so without causing financial harm to yourself

Whenever you identify a boundary you’d like to set, remember that there are two steps to the process: communication and action.

“When we have a disagreement, I’d like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel like you’re getting too heated in the argument. Also, I will mention when I’m becoming uncomfortable with your tone.”

Action The process doesn’t end with the communication. You must uphold what you communicate through your behavior. Betting on the other person to read your mind is a recipe for an unhealthy relationship. Action is required. For instance, let’s say you’ve told your friend, “It’s important to me that you honor plans that we set up. If you need to change our plans,

Common Ways People Respond When You Share Your Boundaries It’s important to consider how people might respond, but don’t get too fixated on their possible reactions. Common Responses to Boundaries Pushback Limit testing Ignoring Rationalizing and questioning Defensiveness Ghosting Silent treatment

How to Handle Pushback Acknowledge that you heard the other person’s concern. Restate the boundary you initially set. Examples: “Thank you for letting me know. However, I’m proceeding with my request.” “I understand that you don’t like my boundary, but I need to feel safe in my relationship. Having limits helps me feel safe.”

Ignoring People ignore boundaries as a passive-aggressive way of pretending they didn’t hear them. But boundaries should be respected.

Make it about yourself, not them. Use “I” statements. Talk about one issue at a time. Don’t talk about old issues with this person while stating your boundary. Use “feeling” words, such as “When you ____, I feel ____.” Say something

Going hours/days without talking Providing short responses to questions to passive-aggressively express upset

Not knowing when to say no

Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do

Listening to people complain about the same things over and over Doing your best with little appreciation for your work

Dispensing your advice to people who don’t value your feedback Engaging in dialogue with people who take an emotional toll on you Doing things that don’t make you happy Lacking balance (harmony) in your roles and duties Setting high expectations at work, at home, or in relationships Having a continual urge to control situations outside of your control

Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

Communicating our boundaries isn’t easy, but without it, we set ourselves up for long-term suffering. We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us.

Instead of setting a direct boundary, we often use gossip as a way of processing our frustrations. But gossip isn’t helpful and only leads to more resentment. It does nothing to improve the relationship or end the behavior that bothers us.

Despite the fact that the worst-case scenario is often the least likely to occur, our fears of the worst tend to keep us from setting boundaries.

Modeling Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. —James Baldwin

Don’t betray yourself to please others.

Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts and ideas. You’re free to have an opinion about anything you want. And when you express your opinion, your words shouldn’t be dismissed, belittled, or ridiculed.

“You can disagree without being mean or rude.” “I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have with a child.” “I won’t talk to you if you keep raising your voice.” “That was a mean joke; I’m offended.”

“I just said something, and you dismissed me. Why?”

Examples of Emotional Boundary Violations Sharing too much too soon (oversharing) Sharing inappropriate emotional information with children Emotional dumping/excessive venting Pushing someone to share information they aren’t comfortable sharing Invalidating someone’s feelings

Telling people how to feel, such as “You shouldn’t be sad about that” Minimizing the impact of something, such as “That wasn’t a big deal” Pushing people to move past complicated feelings swiftly Gossiping about the personal details of another person’s life

“It isn’t okay for you to tell me how I should feel. My feelings are valid.” “I will take my time processing my feelings. Don’t rush me to move on.”

“It’s okay for me to feel how I feel in any situation.”

Here are a few ways to honor your time boundaries: Before you say yes to a request, check your calendar to make sure you’re not overcommitting. Don’t try to squeeze in another event or task, or you’ll be upset about doing so. When you’re busy, allow calls to go to voicemail and texts or emails to go unread until it’s convenient for you to respond.

What Boundary Violations Look Like People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.

Assertively address what you perceive as a microaggression: “I notice that you said, ‘I don’t sound Black.’ What does that mean?”

When someone intentionally tries to make you feel bad, they are guilt-tripping you. Guilt-tripping is a manipulative strategy that people use to persuade you to do what they want. They hope you’ll feel bad, comply, or agree to something, even though you might not have done what they’ve accused you of doing.

Enmeshment In enmeshed relationships, individualization is not acceptable. Neither are boundaries. These relationships thrive on each person being very similar to the other. If one person makes attempts to set limits, create new roles, or shift the dynamics, the relationship is in danger of termination.

Examples of Enmeshment You start dating someone and begin spending all your time together. Their likes become your likes. Your friends and the life you had before are suddenly diminished. You were pretty sure you wanted to buy a new house, but after talking to your parents, you changed your mind. Your parents always know what’s best for you. Your friend is having issues with her partner. She always calls you to problem-solve their issues. You willingly help because you want her to be happy. You’re even invited to speak with her partner about what you and your friend think is best for the relationship.

Having difficulty existing in relationships without becoming “the rescuer”

For the enabler, their own needs are never (or rarely) met. For the enabled, they don’t learn how to meet their own needs. So both people become worse together in codependent relationships.

Guilt isn’t a limitation to setting boundaries. It’s a feeling. And like all feelings, guilt will come and go.