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At that moment, I could see that Kim had an issue with setting boundaries around how much and how often she’s willing to help others and that this was contributing to her anxiety.
Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.
The root of self-care is setting boundaries.
Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
This type of busyness is endemic in our culture. Everyone is striving to do more and more. Time is an afterthought. But our well-being is the price.
Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.
Remember the signs that you need boundaries:
Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.
Understanding Boundaries Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm, and respected. They are an indication of how you allow people to show up for you and how you show up for others.
Porous
Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.
short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!
When you’re unable to leave work at the office, disconnect on vacation, or shut off from work at a certain hour, you ignore your own boundaries at the expense of your well-being and often the well-being of your family.
Being honest and up front (from the beginning, if possible) about what you expect and what you can offer will save you and your partner lots of heartache and arguments.
“I’m a helper.” There’s nothing wrong with that, but you can be a helper without being a pushover. Help people and set a boundary. Limits create clarity about how you are willing and able to help. After all, helpers, who are typically overwhelmed with caring for others while neglecting themselves, need boundaries, too.
Counterdependency happens when we develop rigid boundaries to keep people at an emotional distance. Attachments to others are impaired with counterdependency, as you are trying to avoid connection, even when a relationship is healthy.
But the bottom line is that it’s okay to ask for what you want. Stating your needs is healthy. And you can speak up for yourself without being disrespectful.
Bear in mind, too, that you have no way to guess how someone else feels, so wait for them to tell you.
However, expressing something that’s difficult can also save and improve your relationships. Be brave and state your boundary; it could change your life in numerous positive ways.
Have an open discussion about why having your needs met is important to you.
Be clear about your expectations.
Letting violations slide because you don’t feel like arguing, or it wasn’t that big of a deal, will put you back at square one.
Another part of upholding the boundary you’ve set is deciding what you’ll do if it’s violated. If you do nothing, you aren’t honoring your boundary.
If you want people to respect your boundaries, you have to respect them first.
Speak up in the moment. When you remain silent, you give people the impression that what they said or did is okay with you. What you say doesn’t have to be well-thought-out or perfect. Simply say something like, “I don’t like it.” Saying anything is better than saying nothing.
Boundaries are assertive steps that you take verbally and behaviorally to create a peaceful life.
Allowing people the opportunity to choose how they want you to engage is a profoundly moving way to support them as they share with you.
“To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but someone else’s opinion about your life isn’t more valuable than your own.
“Discomfort is a part of the process.”
When you set a boundary, it’s your job to reinforce it.
Determine how you would like to show up in your present and future relationships
Forgive yourself for the things you allowed to happen in the relationship Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner
Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.
Don’t just name the boundary; create realistic actions that prevent you from defaulting on it.
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. —Brené Brown
Figuring out who you are separately from what you were made to believe about yourself
Talking about your feelings
Being gentle with yourself
Before we teach others to respect our boundaries, we must learn to honor them ourselves.
It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are. —James Clear
The treatment you allow from others
Your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you)
I admit to myself that I can’t do everything. I will stop trying to do everything and ease into doing what I can without overbooking myself.
I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me.
I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them.
I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right”...
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How are you allowing people to take advantage of you?
I address issues when they arise instead of allowing them to fester.
I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly.
