Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

I carried around a lot of resentment, hoping that others would guess my mood and wishes. Through trial and error, I’ve learned that people will not guess my needs.

Family systems have unspoken rules of engagement. If you want to feel guilty, set a limit with your family.

the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

The root of self-care is setting boundaries.

Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.

A boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you.

People with anxious tendencies are more prone to overreact when challenged.

Since you accepted behaviors in the past that you now deem inappropriate, people will react by asking questions as a way to rationalize their behavior as unproblematic.

Keep your response short by saying something like “This is what’s healthy for me.”

Most parents want their children to be well-rounded, but that doesn’t have to come at the expense of the parents’ sanity.

We can’t create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help.

let’s take a closer look at anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

The truth is that unhealthy boundaries will follow you wherever you go unless you learn to verbalize them.

The most significant symptom is discomfort, which manifests itself as anger, resentment, frustration, and burnout. When we feel any of these, we likely need to set a boundary.

Setting limits is uncomfortable, and that discomfort is enough for most of us to shy away from setting them. So we stay silent.

The short-term discomfort of setting a boundary isn’t a reason to continue tolerating the longer-term discomfort of the issues that inevitably result.

Children have boundaries unless they’re shown or told it isn’t okay to have them. For kids, food preference is an attempt at setting limits.

To raise healthy children, it’s essential to allow them to have healthy boundaries.

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. —James Baldwin

often, poor self-care is an issue with boundaries.

But meeting the emotional needs of a parent is not a job for a child.

you can be a helper without being a pushover.

Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.”

Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else. Not setting them, however, is a betrayal of yourself. Don’t betray yourself to please others.

People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.

For example, when others call her “bossy,” Tina could point out that she’s simply assertive and willing to lead.

How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

Step #1 Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone—don’t yell or whisper.

Step #2 Directly state your need or request, or say no.

Step #3 Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part.

If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

expressing something that’s difficult can also save and improve your relationships. Be brave and state your boundary; it could change your life in numerous positive ways.

Allow time for people to adjust to your boundaries. If you’ve tolerated certain problematic behaviors in the past, the other person will likely be shocked.

Also, if you need to say no to a request, skip the apology. Try saying something like this: “Thanks, but I won’t be able to make it.” “I can’t help you this time.” “I hope you enjoy yourself, but I won’t be able to make it.”

“My absolute favorite question anyone asks me when I’m struggling is, ‘Do you want empathy or a strategy right now?’”

“Do you want me to listen or offer some feedback?”

You don’t have to offer your time freely to people you find emotionally draining.

Others may cut you off as well because of the limits you set with them.

Terminating a relationship will mimic the grief process. You’re likely to experience the following: depression, anger, confusion, and bargaining. Your ultimate goal is to come to a place of acceptance that you aren’t able to change others and that you’ve tried to do your part in repairing the relationship.

“Do you understand what I requested?” “Can you reframe what I said in your own words?” “Just to make sure we’re clear, I’d like to hear you confirm what I said.”

Secure Attachment Is able to be away from a partner comfortably Regulates emotions during disputes Has a healthy sense of self Is comfortable sharing feelings Allows others to express feelings without overreacting

Fearing vulnerability is fearing judgment.

His goals were unattainable because he had unhealthy boundaries with his finances.

With self-boundaries, we consider how we impact ourselves.

It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.

Here is a list of some areas where self-boundaries are helpful: Your finances Your time management Your self-care The treatment you allow from others Your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you) Your reactions The people you allow in your life