Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Although imposing boundaries on his finances created limitations, it also provided relief and helped Kyle move more swiftly toward his financial goals.

people can ask you for anything, but it’s up to you to maintain your boundaries by saying no or setting limits as to how much and how little you can help them.

Simply put, your boundaries around how you manage your time are the solution to your time-management issues.

Self-care is how you nurture and restore your mind, body, and spirit. The key word here is “self,” so making time to care for yourself is entirely up to you.

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

It’s your job to maintain the standard of how others treat you. After all, people are getting their cue from you as to what’s tolerable in your relationship with them.

Turn that energy inward by setting a boundary to speak to yourself in a gentle, kind, and loving way.

Boundaries to Consider I speak to myself as gently as I would talk to a small child. I coach myself through awkward moments. I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly. I don’t call myself names. I don’t make mean comments about myself either in my mind or out loud in front of others.

When we want people to respect our boundaries, it may be necessary to repeat them.

If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either.

Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others won’t like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.

As humans, we change, and our boundaries change with us. It’s okay if your tolerance for certain things in your relationship changes. You can create new expectations. When this happens, you can say, “____ is no longer working for me; I would like ____.”

Over time, people may assume that your boundaries with them have expired. Remind them (as well as yourself) about your expectations, including why they were set.

Tough love is you creating and keeping healthy boundaries.

An essential part of becoming an adult is becoming your own guide. As you feel more comfortable being an adult, you start to lean further away from being ruled by your parents.

when you don’t set boundaries with your parents, you are the one who becomes disappointed, resentful, and anxious. At some point, it’s healthy for all adults to ask themselves, “What do I want?”

Signs That You Need Boundaries with Your Parents Your parents are aware of intimate details of your relationship (particularly if they’re causing harm in the relationship). Your parents are involved with disputes you have with others. Your parents don’t respect your opinion. Your parents enter your personal space without asking. Your parents insist that you say yes to everything. You say yes to your parents out of obligation even when it’s inconvenient.

Boundaries with your parents look like Expressing your feelings openly Managing your time in a way that works best for your schedule and lifestyle Not pressing yourself to attend every family event Giving them rules about your home Not allowing them to show up at your home unannounced Withholding intimate details of your relationship Not painting your partner in a negative light to your parents Saying no Introducing your partner to your parents when you’re ready Handling your own disputes with others Sharing your opinion with your parents Being transparent with your parents about your expectations of how they can engage with your partner Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of specific behavior from you Telling your parents that you don’t want to be asked about your dating life, having kids, getting married, or any other topic that makes you feel uncomfortable Staying in a hotel instead of staying with family when you visit them

Boundaries with your parents sound like “I’m dating someone new. When you meet them, don’t ask them when and if we’re getting married.” “I won’t be home for Christmas because I’ve decided to celebrate with my friends.” “Before you stop by to visit, I’d like you to call.” “I’d like to express my feelings without being told that certain emotions aren’t okay.” “I know that you mean well and want the best for me, but I need to handle things in my relationship without your input.” “I won’t accept money from you if it comes with the intention that I do something to earn that money or that you will talk about my borrowing money.”

understand how important it is to you that I remain connected to my family, but I need to have my own ideas about how to maintain connections without your input.” “When I have issues with my sister, I don’t want you to get in the middle by referring to the dispute. We are adults and can resolve our differences without your guidance.” “It makes me feel uncomfortable to hear you talk about your relationship with Mom. Please find someone else to confide in.” “I’m vegetarian, and I’d like you to keep that in mind when you prepare meals for family gatherings.”

Important Reminders It’s normal and healthy for you to have boundaries in your relationships with people. (Remember that your parents are people.) Share your boundaries as soon as you notice that you need them. Doing so will prevent unwanted reactions that may occur after you’ve let things go on for too long.

Setting them with your parents is new for them and for you. If there is resistance, they’re likely just adjusting to this new phase in your relationship. Be clear and consistent when you execute your boundaries. It’s true that you will always be your parents’ child. However, you evolve into an adult with your own way of existing in the world.

In-laws disrupt the relationship when the adult child hasn’t set boundaries with their parents. As a result, spouses are often left carrying the load of setting limits.

the book Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More and Argue Less as Your Family Grows, authors Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill, and Julia Stone advocate for sharing your issues with your partner, mutually deciding on a course of action, and allowing your partner to execute the boundaries.

Signs That You Need Boundaries with Your In-Laws They make your special family events (such as a wedding) about them. They gossip about you to their family members. They don’t like you and have told you as much. They openly share their negative views of you with your children. They question your parenting style. They make decisions for your family. They encourage your spouse or kids to keep secrets from you. They hear essential things happening with your partner before you hear about it. They give you gifts with strings attached. They give your kids things they know you wouldn’t want them to have. They don’t respect the way you parent your kids.

Boundaries with your in-laws look like Clearly stating your parenting philosophy Asking your spouse to support you in a boundary you set with your in-laws Directly asking your partner to implement a boundary with their parent Not accepting gifts if you know expectations are attached Being transparent with your partner and children that it isn’t okay to keep secrets

Signs That You Need Boundaries with Your Other Family Members They use guilt trips as a way to get you to do what they want. They share personal stories that cause you to feel embarrassed. They are involved in whom you choose to date. They have no filter in the opinions they share about you. They gossip to you about other family members. They share your personal business with other family members. They push you to live a lifestyle unlike the one you want to live. You have codependent relationships with them. Your relationships are enmeshed.

Change becomes necessary when you no longer want a situation to stay the way it has been. As difficult as it might seem, improving boundaries with your family is likely to create better relationships with them.

We don’t naturally fall into perfect relationships; we create them.

When they made clear requests, the couple noticed a reduction in the frequency and intensity of their arguments.

Instead, let’s assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can’t read your mind.

If you’re deep into a relationship where boundaries weren’t discussed up front, get clear about them now, and communicate them to your partner. Based on your feelings about specific issues that have come up between you, you’ll know what areas you need limits in. Watch for resentment, burnout, frustration, settling, uneasiness, and anger. These emotions will guide you directly to where boundaries are needed in your relationship.

When you’re faced with a challenge in your relationship, ask yourself: What is the real problem? What is my need? How do I need to communicate with my partner? What can I do to ensure that my need is met? What do I want from my partner to meet my needs?

Telling your partner what you need allows them to honor your boundary. Staying quiet will piss you off.

When couples become parents, their relationship is less romantic, and they become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to their kids.

focus on the partnership consciously. This isn’t easy when kids have needs that seem more important than date night, but children benefit greatly from parents with a healthy relationship. With that in mind, make the marriage a priority.

When you become a parent, you add kids to your life. You don’t give up your life to parent children.

failure to communicate is a missed opportunity to have your needs met.

Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want.

And remember, if a relationship ends because of a boundary, it’s a sign of a bigger problem.

Other people have no idea of our listening capacity or emotional capacity, so it’s up to us to use our words and behaviors to make them aware.

Complaining falls into one of three categories: venting, problem-solving, or ruminating. Venting is a way to talk about issues without seeking guidance but to simply let out your frustrations. Problem-solving is seeking guidance or advice on how to correct an issue. Ruminating is talking about the same issues over and over without trying to problem-solve or work through your frustrations in any real way.

The friend who complains all the time does so without limitation because we have provided a space for it.

What to Say to Someone When You Don’t Want to Give Them Advice “I’m not sure how to help you with that.” “That sounds like a big issue. Have you thought about talking it over with this person who is bothering you?” “How have you thought about handling the situation?” “What I would do is completely biased and based on me. I’d like to explore what you could do in this situation.”

When we maintain a friendship for ten years or more, we become accustomed to specific roles in the relationship. Therefore, shifting our boundaries seems like a betrayal of the relationship. But people change all the time. As we grow in friendships, other areas of our lives likely grow as well.

As we change, it’s simply natural for some friendships to fall away.

Times that you may want to refer someone to a therapist include the following: Your friend seems stuck on a specific issue, talking about it over and over. Your friend discusses unresolved trauma. Your friend is experiencing prolonged grief. Your friend is a danger to themselves or others. You notice symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. Your friend is talking about their relationship, and you feel inept at helping.

It’s important to realize that your friends’ issues are not your issues. Overly entangling yourself in other people’s problems is not an indicator of how much you love them. Instead, it shows your lack of healthy boundaries.

You have never helped anyone by worrying about them and thinking endlessly about their problems.

before you leave a job or relationship, it’s always important to first consider these questions: “Have I tried setting any boundaries?” “In what ways do I contribute to this situation?” “What can I do to make this situation healthier?”