Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Signs That You Need Boundaries You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentment toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.

had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Resentment Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others

Porous boundaries look like Oversharing Codependency Enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and another person) Inability to say no People-pleasing Dependency on feedback from others Paralyzing fear of being rejected Accepting mistreatment

Parents who respect those boundaries make space for their children to feel safe and loved, and they reinforce the positive habit of articulating needs.

When parents ignore these preferences, children feel lonely, neglected,

Boundary issues in dating relationships often arise when you oversell and underdeliver. This usually looks like agreeing to things in the beginning and not being able to keep up the pace as time goes on. Then, ultimately, you underdeliver on your promises.

won’t be able to text frequently during the workday anymore because I have a new boss, and I want to make a good impression.”

Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do

Erica could check with other parents in her neighborhood to see if carpooling is an option. She could also lighten her load by saying no to anything beyond one activity per semester for her girls.

Erica could schedule time for herself every day, engaging in a quick morning routine. For example: Do a wake-up stretch (two minutes). Meditate or sit quietly (two minutes). Read something inspirational (two minutes). Write down thoughts and one thing you’re grateful for (two or three minutes).

suggested that Erica start asking herself “Why is this important to me?” and do only what is most important. Sometimes we do things that aren’t important to us but that we believe maintain a particular image of “good parent” or “person who has it all together.”

less, delegate, or ask for help.

Things That Lead to Burnout Listening to people complain about the same things over and over Doing your best with little appreciation for your work Dispensing your advice to people who don’t value your feedback Engaging in dialogue with people who take an emotional toll on you Doing things that don’t make you happy Lacking balance (harmony) in your roles and duties Setting high expectations at work, at home, or in relationships Having a continual urge to control situations outside of your control

Unrealistic expectations of yourself and others can also trigger anxiety.

To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

Affirmations for people who struggle with anxiety: “I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.”

DPD is characterized by the inability to be alone. A person with DPD feels helpless without the assistance of another person, leaving no room for boundaries in relationships. People with DPD continuously seek attention, advice, and comfort from others. Their reliance on others for decision-making and constant feedback often damages the relationships of people with DPD.

Gossip Here’s the definition of “gossip”: Talking about people in a judgmental manner with the intent to cause harm Making statements behind the back of the person being discussed

with complaining, we usually play the role of victim, saying things like “Why does everyone expect so much from me? My husband knows I need help, but he doesn’t offer. I don’t understand why people can’t do things for themselves.” Along with not being a solution, complaining—much like gossiping—builds resentment.

His longest relationship lasted nine months, but once his partner no longer needed him, the relationship quickly fizzled. He

What’s Keeping Us from Having Healthy Boundaries? It’s your responsibility to tell people how burdened you are in your relationships. Justin knew he wanted to step back from the caretaking role with his siblings. He was tired of being the emotional support for his parents, and he knew he had dating issues. But he didn’t realize the solution to his problems could be setting boundaries in his relationships. “It’s Them, Not Me” For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries. But when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate.

Here are some typical worst-case-scenario thoughts: “What if they get mad at me?” “What if they want nothing to do with me?” “What if I lose a friend/family member?” “What if I say the wrong thing?” “Is setting a boundary petty?” “What if I’m called selfish?” “I don’t think anyone will listen to me.” Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen. We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior. Our biggest fear is that we’ll lose people, so we tolerate boundary issues to maintain our relationships.

The short-term discomfort of setting a boundary isn’t a reason to continue tolerating the longer-term discomfort of the issues that inevitably result. Unhealthy relationships are frustrating and damaging to our long-term well-being. Over time and with consistent practice, setting boundaries becomes easier.

When a child sets a boundary such as “I don’t want to hug your friend,” how does the parent respond? Allow the child to be self-selective about whom they feel comfortable showing affection to. Push the child to hug the friend. Shame or threaten the child by saying “It’s not nice to tell people no when they ask you for a hug,” or “If you don’t hug them, you’ll get a spanking.” Here’s an idea of what the child understands about their ability to set boundaries: Option 1: “I hear you. If you feel uncomfortable showing someone affection, I will respect your preference.” Option 2: “Your boundaries are not important to me, and I know what’s best for you.” Option 3: “You will be punished for having preferences. Don’t embarrass your parents. Other people’s feelings are more important than your own.” To raise healthy children, it’s essential to allow them to have healthy boundaries. This can happen when we allow them to have a preference as to what they eat, what they wear, who they like, how they feel, and who they allow in their physical space.

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. —James Baldwin

Awareness of the need for self-care is on the rise today, and self-care is becoming acceptable.

Three things prolong uncomfortable feelings: Minimizing: This is the result of denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning. For example: “I was stood up for a date, but it doesn’t matter because I had other things to do anyway.” Ignoring: You act as though your emotions don’t exist. Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.

It’s essential to reframe the way you think about this process. Here are a few ways to reframe: Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself. Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship. Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.” Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself.”

Over the next few sessions, I learned that Alex believed the key to connection was knowing everything about someone. Nevertheless, she discussed events and details without much depth or reflection about her feelings.

Ways to Handle Guilt-Tripping Call it out: “Are you trying to make me feel bad about my decisions?” Make the conversation about you, not them: “It’s nothing personal. I just have preferences for myself.” Declare that you’ve made your decision: “Your response seems like you’re trying to change my mind.”

Passive-aggressiveness is a way we resist directly setting boundaries. To avoid confrontation, we hope the other person will figure out what they’re doing wrong and self-correct their behaviors through our indirect actions. But we don’t get what we want by pretending to be unbothered and avoiding the straightforward expression of our needs. Being indirect is counterproductive because our needs go unmet. This only makes us more frustrated and overwhelmed in our interactions with others. More examples of passive-aggressiveness: Appearing upset but refusing to admit it Making verbal attacks not related to the current situation Being moody for no known reason (often) Bringing up issues from the past Engaging in problem-focused complaining

Assertiveness involves communicating your feelings openly and without attacking others. It isn’t demanding. Instead, it’s a way of commanding that people hear you. More examples of assertiveness: Saying no to anything you don’t want to do Telling people how you feel as a result of their behavior Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences Responding in the moment Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issues with Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out

If you’re feeling guilty, here are some reminders: It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

Common Reasons People Don’t Respect Boundaries You aren’t upholding your boundaries with them. You didn’t speak in a firm tone. You didn’t state a need or an expectation. Your boundaries are flexible. One minute, they’re serious; the next, they aren’t. You assume people will self-correct even if you don’t tell them what you need or want. You believe that stating your boundary once should be enough. You apologize for having boundaries. You issue consequences and don’t stick to them.

Write down your boundary using an “I” statement: I want, I need, I would like, or I expect. Do not write the word “because” anywhere in your sentence. Don’t explain yourself, and don’t apologize. It’s okay to start small. Pick the boundary you’ll feel most comfortable sharing.

When someone violates your boundary, you can Restate or refresh it Reduce your interactions with that person Issue an ultimatum Accept it and let go of the relationship

When a relationship ends, it’s okay to Grieve the loss (cry, be angry, feel sad) Practice self-compassion (it was not your fault) Engage in radical self-care (daily and often) Make a list affirming who you are (I am a loving person, etc.) Process what you learned about yourself as a result of the toxic relationship Determine how you would like to show up in your present and future relationships Forgive yourself for the things you allowed to happen in the relationship Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner

It’s true—people may not like the boundaries you set, and they might retaliate by Cutting you off Giving you the silent treatment Manipulating you by trying to talk you out of your boundary Being mean

Sometimes compromises won’t work, and both parties have to agree to maintain separate boundaries and accept the other person’s stance on the matter.

Also, boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you. If you don’t get the process of setting a boundary right the first time, there are ways to try again.

Emotional Having your feelings minimized Constantly being yelled at Being told what to feel and how to think Being told that your feelings are not okay Not showing someone how to care for themselves Being made to handle conflicts between parents Not being given appropriate expectations Gaslighting (blaming someone for something that wasn’t their fault) Discouraged from having an opinion Being taunted Directly being told that “your feelings don’t matter” or “you’re not enough” Common Issues Experienced by Adults Who’ve Experienced Abuse or Neglect Wanting to help everyone, even without the means to do so Working nonstop (equating busyness with success) Loaning people money who have proved that they won’t pay it back Oversharing in hopes of receiving love Being unable to regulate emotions Being a people-pleaser Fearing conflict Having low self-esteem Being in enmeshed relationships Being unable to make decisions without input from others

There are two unhealthy attachment styles that affect boundaries in relationships: Anxious Attachment Constantly seeking validation Engaging in self-sabotaging behavior Continually threatening to leave the relationship Frequently arguing about how committed the other person is to the relationship Breaking up often over trivial issues Persistently questioning actions and intent, as they are seen as a threat Having a paralyzing fear that the relationship will end Desiring to be close but pushing people away Demonstrating needy, attention-seeking behaviors Feeling discomfort with being alone Avoidant Attachment Continually looking for reasons to justify that the relationship isn’t working Hyperfocusing on the negative aspects of the relationship Being consumed with thoughts of getting out of the relationship Having difficulty with self-disclosure Constantly worrying about loss of autonomy Thinking “No one is good enough” Often feeling like a regular connection is “too clingy”

Secure Attachment Is able to be away from a partner comfortably Regulates emotions during disputes Has a healthy sense of self Is comfortable sharing feelings Allows others to express feelings without overreacting

Taking care of yourself looks like Setting manageable expectations around caring and being present for others Maintaining your mental health Operating in your role as child instead of parent to your parents

I love to read articles and books and listen to podcasts about time management. But truthfully, they all say the same thing: manage your distractions, plan wisely, and cut back on things that are a waste of time. Simply put, your boundaries around how you manage your time are the solution to your time-management issues. Boundaries to Consider I admit to myself that I can’t do everything. I will stop trying to do everything and ease into doing what I can without overbooking myself. I will check my calendar before I say yes to any request. I plan to be on time by giving myself more time than I need. I delegate what I can, especially the things I don’t need to do myself. I put myself on a schedule, write the schedule down, and stick to it religiously. I plan my day.

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

Boundaries to Consider When people raise their voice at me, I tell them it’s not okay. I address issues when they arise instead of allowing them to fester. When a boundary is violated, I clearly define my expectations for communication in the beginning and throughout my relationships. Example: “I’d prefer if we talked about serious matters in person instead of over text.” When I notice that someone is trying to manipulate me by intentionally trying to guilt me or pushing my boundaries, I recognize it as manipulation and uphold my boundaries. When someone says something about me that isn’t true, I immediately correct them. Example: They might say, “You’re always late.” You might respond: “I was late today. However, there are other times, such as ____, when I’ve been on time.” Don’t argue; just state what you know to be true.

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family Studies: 57 percent of men overall admit to committing infidelity at some point in their lives. 54 percent of women overall admit to committing infidelity in one or more of their relationships. 22 percent of married men admit to having an affair at least once during their marriages. 14 percent of married women admit to having an affair at least once during their marriages.