Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either. Another way to uphold your boundaries is to say no more often. Recognize that saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Set a limit by saying no when you can’t honor a request, don’t want to honor it, or doing so will infringe on the time you have for what you enjoy.

Saying yes to yourself may look like Foregoing an extra hour of television when you know you need to get up early Staying hydrated Saying no to invitations you don’t wish to honor Adhering to a monthly budget Taking regular breaks and not working yourself to the bone Going on affordable vacations Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad Setting a “do not disturb” on your phone after 8:00 p.m. Taking care of your physical health by going to the doctor and taking medication as prescribed Taking care of your mental health by going to therapy Resting when your body needs it Reading for pleasure, not with the intent to learn or grow a new skill Finding healthy ways to manage your emotions Maintaining good financial habits like paying bills on time and not racking up debt from buying things you don’t need or things that can wait until you can truly afford them

Self-sabotage Procrastinating Getting close to a goal and quitting Staying in relationships that are unhealthy Not keeping your word to yourself Setting unrealistic goals Not trying Carrying a negative narrative (story) about yourself and your abilities

Self-betrayal Changing who you are and what you believe in order to stay in relationships with others Pretending to be someone other than who you really are Comparing yourself with others (friends, family, strangers on the internet, a past version of yourself) Failing to consistently maintain your values Making negative statements about yourself to others or in your head

Adults need to remember that kids Have feelings and benefit significantly from being allowed to explore and express those feelings Are impacted by the things that adults expose them to Are affected by how adults respond to their problems Hold memories about how adults made them feel Aren’t companions or confidants Lack the mental capacity to appropriately manage adult issues, no matter what their behavior reflects

Boundaries that a child might set sound like “Can you please stop saying mean things about Dad?” “You never pay attention to me. Why don’t you just listen?” “I don’t want to give you a hug.” “I need you to put down your phone and spend more time with me.” “I don’t like talking to Grandma; she’s always mean to me.” It’s important to listen to children when they make requests like these and to honor their boundaries whenever possible.

assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can’t read your mind.

Mindful Relationship Habits Define what it means to be in healthy relationships. Assess why you’re in relationships with certain people. Notice your energy while engaging with people. Do what feels right for you. Make peace with not having a relationship that everyone agrees with. Challenge societal norms about what relationships should look like. Discover what makes you happy in your relationships.

Rarely does someone change their mind to appease another person, at least not for long.

Household Who is responsible for doing which task? How will tasks be divided so that they don’t fall on one person? How can you work together to meet the needs of your home?

Outside Forces How do you handle issues with your partner’s family? What happens when you disagree with how your partner handled an issue? Is it okay to talk about your relationship with people outside the relationship? If so, whom? How do you protect your relationship from others?

Assertiveness Minimizes Miscommunication and Recurring Arguments Speaking up is hard, especially if your underlying belief is They won’t care. They won’t honor my request. They won’t take me seriously. They won’t understand me. It won’t help anything. I don’t want to be mean. In healthy relationships, communicating your needs is welcomed and respected. In unhealthy relationships, people ignore you, push back, or even challenge your boundaries.

Being assertive sets an expectation for your partner. You’re no longer simply reacting to every problem; you’re proactive about the issues in your relationship. When you’re faced with a challenge in your relationship, ask yourself: What is the real problem? What is my need? How do I need to communicate with my partner? What can I do to ensure that my need is met? What do I want from my partner to meet my needs?

Needs Within Reason That said, it isn’t the responsibility of one person to fulfill every need you have. For instance, if your partner tends to offer you advice when you just want someone to listen, it may be more helpful to share with a friend. We can’t change people or convince them to be different from the core of who they are, and some needs may feel to your partner like an attempt to change them. In your relationships, it’s essential to consider if your request is reasonable. Requests are unreasonable when the other person can’t meet the need. For example, an unreasonable request could sound like “You can never bring up the past.” A reasonable request might sound like “If you bring up the past, I will verbalize that you’re crossing a boundary, and I will redirect the conversation.”

If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself: What are my top five needs in my relationship? Is my partner aware of my needs? What is the biggest issue in my relationship? Have I set any boundaries with my partner? Am I honoring the boundaries I set with my partner? In what new ways can I share my boundaries with my partner?

Signs of a Healthy Friendship Your friend wants to see you grow. The friendship is mutually supportive. The friendship is mutually beneficial. Your friendship evolves as you evolve. You understand how to support each other. Setting boundaries doesn’t threaten the friendship. Your friend is happy for you to be yourself. Your friend acknowledges your quirks and works around them. You can talk to your friend about your feelings. Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship The relationship is competitive. You exhibit your worst behavior when you’re with your friend. You feel emotionally drained after connecting with your friend. Your friend tries to embarrass you in front of others. You don’t have anything in common. Your friend shares details of your personal life with others. The friendship is not reciprocal (i.e., you give more than you receive). You’re unable to work through disagreements. Your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries. The relationship is enmeshed/codependent. Dealing with Complaining Complaining falls into one of three categories: venting, problem-solving, or ruminating. Venting is a way to talk about issues without seeking guidance but to simply let out your frustrations. Problem-solving is seeking guidance or advice on how to correct an issue. Ruminating is talking about the same issues over and over without trying to problem-solve or work through your frustrations in any real way. Ruminating is essentially dumping on others. Rarely do I hear people have an issue wi...

Ways to Deal with a Chronic Complainer Empathize when appropriate. Redirect the conversation by changing the subject. Be intentional in your dialogue, and stay on topic. Lead by example; don’t complain. Ask before offering an opinion, and be mindful of whether the person can handle the truth. Don’t be dismissive (e.g., “It isn’t so bad” or “You’ll get over it”). After you’ve done all you can, draw a clear boundary around the time allotted for the conversation and how often you will talk.

How to Manage Chronic Complaining Pay attention to how often you complain. State whether you’re simply venting or looking for feedback. Consciously consider the purpose of your conversations with people. Work through feelings by journaling, which is beneficial.

we have to end unhealthy relationships because the other person refuses to accept our boundaries. It’s never easy to leave a relationship, even when it’s unhealthy or no longer fits who we are. We often stay stuck in relationships because we hyperfocus on returning the friendship to how it used to be. But if we have changed, the relationship may no longer be appropriate for the person we’ve become.

Boundary issues at work look like Doing work for others Being asked about personal issues Taking on more than you can handle Not delegating Flirting Working without pay Not taking advantage of vacation days Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete Engaging in stressful interactions Working during downtime Doing jobs intended for more than one person Not taking needed time off

I have cautioned them, “The more you appear to handle, the more work you’ll be expected to handle.”

One of the things I hear most is, “I know you’re burned out because you listen to people talk about their problems all day.” When I tell people, especially other therapists, “I’m not burned out from my work as a therapist,” they’re surprised. Is it unbelievable to think that a person who talks about boundaries all the time could actually have some pretty decent ones?

Here is a list of things I do to limit the possibility of burnout: I have a cap of fifteen to twenty clients per week. I have three days dedicated to seeing clients, and the other two days I write or work on other projects. I see clients only within my niche (relationship issues). Before taking on new clients, I speak to them to see if we align energetically. I share my boundaries with my clients about how to contact me after hours. On the days I see clients, I’m intentional about managing my energy, such as avoiding potentially draining conversations outside work. I spend a few minutes before my first session in quiet, while I consider the day and set the tone. I recognize that I don’t have to be a therapis...

Here are some other ways to avoid burnout: Don’t allow one day of vacation time to go unused. Vacations are an opportunity to recharge and reset. Take advantage of this when you have an employer that offers paid time off. If your employer doesn’t offer time off, save up (if you can), and take some time to recharge. Getting out of the workplace is a meaningful way to restore your energy. Make time for yourself outside work. Find a hobby that has nothing to do with your job, and take part in it regularly. Take your lunch break away from your desk. If you must sit at your desk, don’t work through lunch. Take this time to meditate, watch an episode of The Office, go for a walk, or have lunch with a coworker while chatting about non-work-related things. Prioritize time for yourself either before or after work. Before you start your workday, take a few minutes to engage in a relaxing practice such as meditating for a few minutes, reading something uplifting, or watching something motivational. Taking a few moments before, throughout the day, or after work, will help you center your thoughts, lower your blood pressure, and provide some balance.

it’s your job to advocate for reasonable expectations, not requirements based on your boss’s lack of boundaries. Of course, you would never say “You’re unreasonable because you have unhealthy boundaries.” Instead, you might say, “It’s important to me to recharge when I’m out of the office in order to be fully present when I’m at work. I’d like to restrict my work, as much as possible, to the following time frames.” When communicating your needs to your boss, be sure to use “I” language. Make it about you, not them.

Don’t say this: “You always give me things to do when you know my plate is full.” If you say this, your boss might feel attacked and will be less likely to consider your request.

Instead, say this: “I work best with deadlines. As you give me an assignment, I will prioritize your request, but if something is urgent, please let me know.” If your boss refuses to acknowledge healthy boundaries, bring others into the situation. Reach o...

Saying no to invites sounds like “Thanks for inviting me to your holiday party, but I won’t be able to make it.” “It’s kind of you to invite me to lunch, but I’d like to spend time alone during lunch.” “After work, I like to go home and relax.” “How about we exchange phone numbers instead of social media handles?” “I’m a homebody, so I’m not interested.”

I felt the joy of missing out (JOMO) on social media.

Once you start responding to them, you agree to partake in an argument.

What people say about you is based on them, not you. You can’t please everyone, because everyone’s needs are different. Explaining yourself over and over doesn’t mean people will eventually get it.

It’s your job to protect your energy. Some people feel entitled to your time, but your time is yours to manage.

The moment we continue to follow something that bothers us, we agree to be bothered.

For example, maybe you stay up late, night after night, watching TV and face the consequences of sleep deprivation the next day.

Boundaries to Consider If You Can’t Get Out of Bed Without Grabbing Your Phone Don’t sleep with your phone near your bed. Place your phone so far away from your bed that you have to walk across the room to grab it. Don’t sleep with your phone in your room. Instead of grabbing your phone, consider other ways you’d like to spend the first moments of your day, such as journaling, cuddling with your partner, stretching, or brushing your teeth. Find something else to do. If You Regularly Check Your Phone Keep your phone out of reach. Put it on the charger in another room. Practice turning it off for a few hours a day. Intentionally plan times to engage on social media, and decide on times when social media is off-limits.

Boundary Questions What are some times that might be inappropriate to use your phone? How can you practice being present with others? Is it okay to not always be available to others via phone?

feel better when I have healthy boundaries in my relationships. I’d rather deal with the discomfort in the short term than resentment and frustration in the long term.

In healthy relationships, it’s okay, rational, and safe to state your boundaries. It goes both ways, however. You can have them, and the other party may also have them. For example, your boss may have a boundary that you show up five minutes early to meetings, and you may have one that you don’t work on weekends. Respecting other people’s limits is a beautiful way to leverage respect for your own.

The second (and my personal favorite) agreement from the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is “Do not take anything personally.” So whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.

Remember, rigid boundaries are not healthy. Boundaries are established in two parts: (1) verbally communicating them to others, and (2) taking action, whether implementing consequences or removing yourself from interactions with people who won’t or don’t respect your boundaries.

Remember: there is no such thing as guilt-free boundary setting. If you want to minimize (not eliminate) guilt, change the way you think about the process. Stop thinking about boundaries as mean or wrong; start to believe that they’re a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as a self-care and wellness practice.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”