A Vow of Hate (A Vow of Hate, #1)

by Lylah James

To my clowns – you know who you are… You made this book possible. Thank you for believing in me.

I wasn’t evil, but I was the villain anyway.

The ugliness of life is that sometimes we can’t undo what has been done. It doesn’t matter how devastating the outcome is; we can’t turn back time – can’t change the past – can’t fix the future.

grief is just a stage of coming to terms with the situation. Just like denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Except, I was still on the fourth stage. Depression, my therapist would say with a pitiful sigh.

Guilt was what killed me everyday. Pain became my companion; grief was my nightmare and guilt turned out to be my soulmate.

“Listen to me very carefully. You will marry me; you will pay for your sins and you will die at my hands.”

“I will break you, Julianna Romano.”

You can’t break what’s already broken.

This marriage was his vengeance – the vows would not be of love, but of hatred. His retaliation. My atonement. One imperfect marriage.

I always imagined something romantic. A grand wedding; the prettiest, most expensive gowns; gorgeous heels that many brides would envy; a lovely veil to put any other veils to shame, and my handsome Prince Charming – my own little fairy tale. But it was just that. A fantasy. A lovely one to dream of, but a fantasy nonetheless.

I’m always on your side. You just don’t see it because you choose to believe everyone is against you.”

“To hurt you, to break you… and to hate you for the rest of our days. I will never be your protector, never your defender; I vow to be the villain in your story.” “… And to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?” “In health and in sickness, through sorrow and pain, for all the days in my life, I will be your worst nightmare.”

“Why… why do your eyes look so much like hers? It fucking haunts me,”

“You. Are. Every. Reminder. Of. What. I. Lost.”

Sometimes, I wondered if maybe I was born in the wrong era.

this girl didn’t want any pity. No one could understand that better than me.

Pity was ugly to people like us, a poison without its remedy. We only wanted people to understand us.

She was a little gossiper, this one, and I was eating up every little detail of this story.

“There’s a fine line between love and hate, Killian,” Julianna muttered, her voice soft and broken.

“Not for us,” I said.

“Not for us,” she...

Killian didn’t just save me from getting shot, he took an actual bullet for me.

“I came into your life, bringing tragedy with me,” I whispered. “Love can kill while still keeping you alive to feel it. How deadly it is, how painful, how cruel.”

Because my truth was that… I fell in love with Killian Spencer when I was seventeen years old. But I only ended up killing his heart.

“You think I don’t know?”

“You think it doesn’t hurt me? You think it doesn’t pain me? Gracelynn was my sister before she was your lover. I knew her far longer than she was in your life. I loved her far longer than you have and I was there. I. Was. There. In that fucking car.”

“For hours, I was trapped in that car with my sister’s dead body while it felt like I was burning from the inside out. I was alive, breathing, yet dying a slow, painful death. Look at me!” I screamed, pointing at my veiled face. “Look at me. These scars are my reminder every day. I was there… crying for her to open her eyes. Begging her to say a word. Pleading for her to breathe. Just one more breath.”

“You aren’t the only one who lost someone that night. I lost her too. And I lost more than you will ever know.”

“You were in that car with her, I get it. You watched your sister die, I get it. It was traumatic for you, I get it. You suffered physically and mentally, and you’re guilt-ridden, I. Fucking. Get. It. But that doesn’t give you the right to play with me and my feelings, to deceive me or to make me mourn the woman I loved when she wasn’t even dead!”

“I plummeted into chaos because your love was everything beautiful and pure, but my love was everything deceitful and destructive. So, I didn’t just fall in love with you, Killian. I crawled, on my knees, bleeding for you. So, it was real. Every moment, every smile, every kiss… it was real and it hurt.”

“There’s a fine line between love and hate. And I just realized that I love you as much as I fucking hate you, Julianna.”

Scarred, yet beautiful like the moon.

How was it possible to love and hate a person with the same passion?

Because I’d rather his rage than his silence.

I couldn’t bear to pretend that everything was okay. Because nothing was going to be okay again.

She had way too much control over me and that was the problem. Love made me weak. Weak for her.

I hated how I couldn’t do anything more than stay by her side. I fucking loathed how helpless I felt.

I had accused Julianna of being a martyr, but we were so fucking alike. I guessed we both had a penchant for self-destruction.

“Do I have to repeat everything?”

“It’s because you’re so confusing!”

“And you’re so goddamn maddening. What a pair we are.”

“Why did you ruin us?”

“That’s unfair, Killian.”

“You’re so maddening,”

“I don’t know what to do with you.”

“The feeling is ...

“Don’t make me fall in love with you again.”

“I can’t promise that,” I whispered. “Because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t take you out of my heart. You’re so deep under my skin that you’ve burrowed yourself into a corner of my soul, Killian.”

Trust. That was exactly what we lacked in our marriage. So I gave him the fragile piece of my heart. I trusted him, yet again.

“My love is true,” I breathed shakily. “It always has been. Believe me, Kill–”