How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Reframe #3: Rediscover Yourself. Additional breakup research from Finkel and his colleagues found that breakups can cause a bit of an identity crisis, because so much of who we are is tied up in that relationship. Perhaps you’re dwelling on who you were—one half of a dynamic duo, the perfect wedding date. That perspective, while completely understandable, is loss-oriented. Instead, let’s focus on what you can gain from the breakup—who you can be again now that you’re single. Relationship researchers have found this reframe particularly effective. In one experiment, Lewandowski divided people going through breakups into two groups. He instructed one group to go out into the world and spend two weeks doing routine activities—things the participants already liked doing, such as going to the movies or the gym or seeing friends. The other group was told to do “rediscover yourself” activities—things they had given up on because their ex wasn’t into them—like going to spin classes or jazz bars. Lewandowski found that both interventions worked. Routine activities helped prevent people from staying home and binge-swiping through pictures of their ex or drowning themselves in barrels of macaroni and cheese (my medication of choice). But those who participated in rediscovery activities saw even better results.

Sometimes people wink at me and say, “So, is it true? The best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else?” First, don’t wink at me. Second, it depends. Not everyone who leaves a relationship needs months to heal. Especially if you were the one who initiated the breakup. Sociologist and Columbia University professor Diane Vaughan conducted extensive research on breakups in her book Uncoupling and found that we grieve a relationship over a certain timeline. People who initiate a breakup may have experienced negative feelings about the relationship while still in it, perhaps for a year or more. So, when the breakup actually happens, they don’t need as much time. If you don’t feel as upset as you expected after a relationship ends, don’t be alarmed. You’re not a heartless demon. You did the grieving while still dating, and now you’re ready to move on. If you were broken up with, your timeline likely started after the relationship ended, so it makes sense that you’ll take longer to heal. What about rebounds? Psychologists Claudia Brumbaugh and R. Chris Fraley found that “people who rapidly begin a new rebound relationship are not necessarily any worse off than those who wait longer to get reinvolved. In fact, in some areas, they appear to be better functioning.” The authors explain that people who wait longer to get into a relationship often suffer from decreased self-esteem, while people who enter a new relationship quickly tend to be spared that self-confidence...

Reframe #4: See this as a chance to learn from the past and make better decisions in the future. As challenging as it sounds, try to see the breakup as a learning opportunity. Psychologists Ty Tashiro and Patricia Frazier found that people often don’t take advantage of the potential for personal growth following a breakup. Many individuals “Tarzan” (swing from one relationship to the next) without considering what they’ve learned from their last partner and how that should inform whom they choose to date next. Don’t make that mistake. This is particularly important if you’re trapped in a pattern of choosing partners who don’t work out for the same reason. I’ve had several clients who date the same type of person over and over.

EXERCISE: Consider What You Want to Do Differently in Future Relationships A key part of moving on is getting clear about the choices you made in your last relationship and changes you’ll make in your next one. In a journal or with a friend, take some time to answer the following questions: Who were you in your last relationship? (For example, the pace-setter, pulling your partner along with you? Or the caboose, being pulled? The mentor or the mentee? The one who committed easily or the person who struggled to put down roots?) Whom do you want to be in your next one? What have you learned about what truly matters in a long-term relationship? Moving forward, what will you look for in a partner that you didn’t prioritize this time?

EXERCISE: Answer the All About Us Questions Set aside one night per conversation. I recommend doing an activity together first to help you feel connected. Psychotherapist Esther Perel notes that one of the moments when we feel most attracted to our partners is when we admire their individual talents. Invest in that attraction by teaching each other a new skill. If one of you is a great cook, why not teach the other a new recipe? You also want to make the experience feel romantic. I mean, you’re talking about possibly getting married—what could be more romantic than that? Set the scene. Dress up.

Conversation #1: The Past What are three moments about your past that you feel define you? How do you think your childhood affects who you are today? Did your parents fight? What are your fears around relationship conflict? What traditions from your family do you want to carry on in our family? How did your family talk (or not talk) about sex when you were growing up? What did money represent in your family? What baggage from your family do you want to leave in the past?

Conversation #2: The Present Do you feel comfortable talking to me as things come up? Is there anything about our communication style that you want to work on? Do you feel like you can be yourself in the relationship? Why or why not? What changes would you like to make to our relationship? How well do you think we handle conflict? What’s your favorite ritual that we do together? What’s something you wish we did more of together? How well do you feel like I know your friends and family? Is there anyone in your life (family, friend, coworker) whom you’d like me to get to know better? How often would you like to be having sex? How could our sex life be better? What can I do to improve it? What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have been afraid to ask for? How often do you think about money? Let’s talk openly about our finances. Do you have student loans? Credit card debt? Is my debt your debt? What’s the most you’d spend on a car? A couch?

Conversation #3: The Future Where do you want to live in the future? Do you want to have kids? If yes, how many? When? If we can’t conceive on our own, what other options would we consider? Adoption? Surrogacy? What are your expectations around splitting child care and housework duties? How often do you want to see your family? What role do you want religion or spirituality to play in our lives? Do you want to discuss a prenup? What fears does that bring up for you? How do you expect to split finances in the future? Do you expect you’ll always want to work? What happens if one of us wants to take time off? If I were considering a big purchase, at what point would you want me to call you? (For example, what’s the cutoff for how much I can spend without checking in with you first?) What are your long-term financial goals? What are you most looking forward to in the future? What is a dream of yours for the future? How can I help you

We ask each other these three questions: How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week?

When you fill out this Relationship Contract, you should be honest, vulnerable, and willing to compromise. This is absolutely not a time to dwell on your partner’s shortcomings; nor is it the moment to make demands. The focus should not be transactional—“I’ll do the laundry if you’ll do the dishes”—but, rather, value-based—“We commit to supporting each other’s dreams and making the sacrifices necessary to enable those dreams.” I’m a fan of the weekly Check-In Ritual, a short conversation in which you and your partner discuss what’s on your mind. The Relationship Contract helps you set the direction for your partnership—and the Check-In Ritual ensures that you keep it on track. Many couples are afraid to speak honestly about what they want, whether it’s about having kids, opening their relationship, or even ending it. All relationships have issues, and almost all of us feel awkward about bringing them up. The Relationship Contract and the Check-In Ritual are tools expressly designed to make it less awkward. Just as important as the Check-In conversation is the ritual itself. Making this a consistent, recurring event takes advantage of a super-simple principle behavioral scientists often employ: If we put something on our calendar, and make it the default, we’re way more likely to actually do it.