How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

I told half the group to rank their happiness on that same one-to-five scale the next time they ghosted. I asked the other half not to ghost. If they met someone they didn’t want to see again, I instructed them to send this message afterward: “Hey [insert name]. I really enjoyed talking about [insert conversation topic]. I don’t think we’re a romantic match, but I enjoyed meeting you.” I asked these people to send me screenshots of what they sent and the responses (if any) they received. What do you think happened? Most of the ghosters who did not send a message reported feeling neutral to not very happy about their behavior. In follow-up interviews, they said they felt guilty and that when the person checked in multiple times after the first date to see if they wanted to go out again, it made them want to avoid their phones altogether. Those who sent the straightforward message indicating that they weren’t interested received positive reinforcement from the other person almost two-thirds of the time. In the other cases, the person didn’t write back at all. There was only one incident in which the person wrote back and requested more information about what was wrong, and that escalated into a fight.