How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Create a social accountability system with a friend. You’ve got a specific deadline in mind, and now you know what you’re going to say, and when and where you’re going to say it. How do you make sure you go through with it? Increase your chances of following through by setting up a social accountability system. With this technique, you ask others to hold you responsible to the goal you’ve set for yourself. Accountability works so well because many of us are what best-selling author Gretchen Rubin calls “obligers.” We easily meet expectations set by others but struggle to uphold our own. That’s why you may often miss goals you set for yourself (like exercising more) but don’t miss appointments for someone else (like picking up a friend’s child from school). If you involve a friend, you make this goal about committing to them, not just to yourself. Find a trusted friend (someone who doesn’t like your current partner may be especially enthusiastic about helping you). Make a commitment to contact them after your breakup conversation. If you want to take your accountability system to the next level, incorporate incentives. Behavioral scientists love to use positive incentives or negative incentives to change how people act. For example, one of my clients wrote a check for $10,000 to the presidential campaign of a candidate he strongly opposed. He gave his friend permission to mail it in if he missed the deadline to break up with his girlfriend. He broke up with her later that day.