How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Sometimes people wink at me and say, “So, is it true? The best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else?” First, don’t wink at me. Second, it depends. Not everyone who leaves a relationship needs months to heal. Especially if you were the one who initiated the breakup. Sociologist and Columbia University professor Diane Vaughan conducted extensive research on breakups in her book Uncoupling and found that we grieve a relationship over a certain timeline. People who initiate a breakup may have experienced negative feelings about the relationship while still in it, perhaps for a year or more. So, when the breakup actually happens, they don’t need as much time. If you don’t feel as upset as you expected after a relationship ends, don’t be alarmed. You’re not a heartless demon. You did the grieving while still dating, and now you’re ready to move on. If you were broken up with, your timeline likely started after the relationship ended, so it makes sense that you’ll take longer to heal. What about rebounds? Psychologists Claudia Brumbaugh and R. Chris Fraley found that “people who rapidly begin a new rebound relationship are not necessarily any worse off than those who wait longer to get reinvolved. In fact, in some areas, they appear to be better functioning.” The authors explain that people who wait longer to get into a relationship often suffer from decreased self-esteem, while people who enter a new relationship quickly tend to be spared that self-confidence...