How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Reframe #3: Rediscover Yourself. Additional breakup research from Finkel and his colleagues found that breakups can cause a bit of an identity crisis, because so much of who we are is tied up in that relationship. Perhaps you’re dwelling on who you were—one half of a dynamic duo, the perfect wedding date. That perspective, while completely understandable, is loss-oriented. Instead, let’s focus on what you can gain from the breakup—who you can be again now that you’re single. Relationship researchers have found this reframe particularly effective. In one experiment, Lewandowski divided people going through breakups into two groups. He instructed one group to go out into the world and spend two weeks doing routine activities—things the participants already liked doing, such as going to the movies or the gym or seeing friends. The other group was told to do “rediscover yourself” activities—things they had given up on because their ex wasn’t into them—like going to spin classes or jazz bars. Lewandowski found that both interventions worked. Routine activities helped prevent people from staying home and binge-swiping through pictures of their ex or drowning themselves in barrels of macaroni and cheese (my medication of choice). But those who participated in rediscovery activities saw even better results.