More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Logan Ury
Started reading
November 25, 2025
While love may be a natural instinct, dating isn’t. We’re not born knowing how to choose the right partner.
Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with
Behavioral science is the study of how we make decisions.
what to look for in a long-term partner.
meeting people in real life (IRL),
how to decide if you should break up, how to break up
techniques to make your long-term relationship successful by investing daily attention and designing relationships that shift and change as the people in it grow, too.
Barry Schwartz, professor emeritus at Swarthmore, have shown that while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.
analysis paralysis.
Great relationships are built, not discovered.
SOCIAL MEDIA LEADS US TO COMPARE AND DESPAIR
men, who tend to have smaller social networks and fewer people with whom they can share their fears. They’re even less likely to talk to their friends about their problems and learn that everyone, at one time or another, experiences relationship hardships.
WE LACK RELATIONSHIP ROLE MODELS
50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce or separation,
dating blind spots—patterns of behavior that hold them back from finding love, but which they can’t identify on their own.
Each group struggles with unrealistic expectations—of themselves, of partners, and of romantic relationships.
one major thing in common: unrealistic expectations.
If you’d like to take this quiz in the future, or share it with a friend, you can find it at loganury.com/quiz.
the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you.
Marriage was about economics and convenience.
Happily-Ever-After Fallacy—the false notion that the hard part of love is finding someone.
makes me laugh.
makes me feel smart and funny.
“We’re passionate! We care about stuff. We talk openly. We’re not the same person, so of course we’re going to fight. I know all relationships require work. And I’m choosing to invest in this one.”
Staying in love takes work, too. If you expect relationships to be easy, you’ll be caught off guard when they hit an inevitable rough patch.
MAXIMIZERS VERSUS SATISFICERS
FOMO (fear of missing out).
FOMTWD (fear of making the wrong decision).
think about this question in two ways—the objective result and the subjective experience. In other words, the quality of your choice and how you feel about it.
Satisficers report feeling happier with their choices, even when they select an objectively worse option.
That’s because Maximizers constantly second-guess themselves.
in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.
“Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”
Once we commit to something, our brain helps us rationalize why it was the right choice.
Rationalization is our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing.
You should interview 37 percent of the candidates and then pause. Identify the best person from this first group.
Instead of thinking about the total number of people you might date, consider how long you’re likely to actively look for a partner. Apply the rule of 37 percent to that time period.
“Put together a spreadsheet of all the women you’ve gone out with in the last year. Make a column for their name, how you met them, how you felt when you were with them, and what values you shared. You can include other details, too, but I don’t want a laundry list of their flaws or a ranking of their hotness.”
CHAPTER 5 DON’T WAIT, DATE
Economists often refer to the opportunity cost of decisions—the price you pay when you choose one option over another.
MISSING OUT ON THE CHANCE TO LEARN
You can’t figure out what you like (and what you don’t) if you don’t date different people.
intention-action gap,
Step 1: Make a deadline.
Step 2: Prep.
improv class to learn how to listen carefully and play well with others.
Step 3: Tell others.
If you publicly announce your goals to others, you’re more likely to stay focused on them.
Set deadlines for yourself. Do prep work for your new dating life. Tell others about your plan. Commit to your new identity as a “dater.” Start with small goals. Be compassionate with yourself. STOP TALKING TO YOUR EX!
