How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

And try sitting next to—rather than across from—your date. Have you ever opened up to someone on a long drive? Or noticed that it feels easier to talk to a friend while walking side by side, when you’re not making direct eye contact? That’s because it’s easier to talk when we’re not looking someone in the eyes. Psychologists Shogo Kajimura and Michio Nomura at Kyoto University in Japan explored this phenomenon in a 2016 study. When participants stared into the eyes of a face on a screen looking at them (as opposed to one looking off to the side), they struggled to complete a simple word-matching game. Kajimura and Nomura attributed that difficulty to biology: Eye contact and processing language rely on the same neural circuitry. You can use this insight to your advantage on dates. Why not suggest going for a walk? This will help the date feel less like a job interview, protect your brain from overloading, and promote connection.

I recommend going on dates where you can watch your companion interact with others. This is a great way to get a sense of those hard-to-measure qualities that are so important, like kindness. Perhaps that means taking a cocktail-making class in a small group. Is your date rude to the instructor? Patient while gathering the ingredients? Helpful to the woman who showed up late? Or you could suggest a date that forces you to collaborate, like working on a puzzle or visiting a Korean BBQ place where you have to cook your own meal. How well do you work as a team? You might even consider eating something messy, like dumplings dipped in sauce. Who can put up a front when they have soy sauce dripping down their chin? In any of these scenarios, you’re gathering a lot more data than by talking one-on-one at seven a.m. in a coffee shop.

You can find a whole list of creative date ideas on my website (loganury.com).

Here are some outside-the-box dates that my clients and I have come up with: Visit a farmers’ market and then cook brunch. Go roller-skating. Create a two-person hot-sauce-tasting contest. Watch YouTube to learn a dance from a favorite childhood music video. Do karaoke. See an old movie and then discuss it over a wa...

Check out the stars at the local observatory. Rent scooters and explore the city. (Bring helmets!) Play games at a local arcade. (Bring quarters!) Bring watercolors to the park and ...

You might even enjoy stealing this idea for a “day of yes” from a friend of mine. She explained: “We went on a date in which we took turns suggesting our next move and the other person had to say yes (unless illegal or against their values). We met at the Brooklyn Heights ferry stop, where we said yes to getting on the ferry and the next person had to suggest where to get off, to which the other needed to say yes. We kept exchanging ideas of things to do, and it was an amazing date. We ended up explorin...

We can apply the same lessons to planning dates. Act more like that second travel search engine by letting your date know about the things you’ve done to make the experience special. It’s not about bragging or exaggerating; it’s about making your efforts apparent so your date can appreciate them more.

One great way to show your effort is to offer to plan the date, or to choose a place near the other person’s home or work. I’ve found that my clients who live in big cities like New York or Los Angeles often get trapped in a back-and-forth over whose neighborhood they’ll meet in. You can show effort by making the date convenient for the other person. Message them something like: “Hey, what area do you live in? I can plan something near there.” During the date, mention the thought that you put into particular decisions. Say: “I chose this Peruvian place because you wrote on your profile that it was your dream to visit Machu Picchu.” People will appreciate the effort, and your thoughtfulness will help you stand out.

If you don’t feel like asking these kinds of questions, try my favorite approach to avoiding small talk. Enter the date in media res. That’s Latin for “in the middle of things.” It’s a literary term that describes a story opening somewhere in the middle of the action, rather than at the beginning. (You can think of it as “coming in hot.”) When you walk into a date, instead of starting with the awkward “So, how’s your day going?” or “Where do you live?” jump right into the middle of things: “You’ll never guess what happened on my way over here!” or “I just got off the phone with my sister, and she told me about this battle she’s in with her landlord over the recycling bins.” By skipping the getting-to-know-you small talk and diving straight into the type of conversation that friends (or lovers!) might have, you take a shortcut to intimacy. Of course the conversation may reverse—you’ll eventually cover how your day is going, where you live, and so on, but at least you will have dipped your toes into the waters of real conversation.

The Post-Date Eight What side of me did they bring out? How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date? Is there something about them I’m curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard?

Did I feel attractive in their presence? Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between? Knowing he had to answer these questions afterward, Jonathan started paying more attention to how he felt during the date. He started agreeing to second dates with guys who weren’t as impressive on paper but made him feel optimistic, attractive, and relaxed. He was able to more quickly reject guys who had impressive backgrounds but left him feeling cold. He allowed himself to experience the date rather than “interviewing” the guy for the role of husband.

EXERCISE: Look for the Positives Look for the positives in people, whether you’re evaluating them on a dating app or they’re across the table from you at a restaurant. It will be easy to see their flaws—the way our brain has evolved practically guarantees it. But force yourself to look for the good. After your next date, text a friend five things you liked about your date. Heck, if it helps, you can even email them to me (5goodthings@loganury.com).

This helps explain why research shows that volunteering is one of the most reliable ways to boost our happiness. Volunteers consistently see higher levels of happiness and self-esteem than non-volunteers, because when they’re done, they look at their actions and think, I’m spending my time helping people. I must be pretty generous after all!

If they met someone they didn’t want to see again, I instructed them to send this message afterward: “Hey [insert name]. I really enjoyed talking about [insert conversation topic]. I don’t think we’re a romantic match, but I enjoyed meeting you.” I asked these people to send me screenshots of what they sent and the responses (if any) they received.

Those who sent the straightforward message indicating that they weren’t interested received positive reinforcement from the other person almost two-thirds of the time. In the other cases, the person didn’t write back at all. There was only one incident in which the person wrote back and requested more information about what was wrong, and that escalated into a fight.

REJECTION DOS AND DON’TS Do: Be polite. Be clear. You can use some combination of “I don’t think we’re a romantic fit” or “I don’t think we’re the right match.” Make it short and sweet. You’re writing a polite heads-up note, not a manifesto on the perils of modern dating. (That’s my job, not yours!) Don’t: Say you want to be friends if you don’t mean it. Someone might take you up on it, and if you’re not genuine about that, it will just hurt more. Criticize the person or give feedback. That’s unsolicited, and it’s not your place to judge. Get into a long back-and-forth if they want more details. It’s nice to be clear, but you don’t owe them a drawn-out conversation.

EXERCISE: Get Aligned Before You Sign a Lease Before you move in together, set aside a weekend to answer these questions: Why are we moving in together? What does moving in together mean to you? Where do you see this relationship going in the future? Is marriage something we’re considering? If so, when do you see us getting married? What are your fears about living together?

When you start seeing someone, don’t make assumptions about whether you’re in a relationship. You need to DTR (define the relationship) to ensure that you’re on the same page about where you are and where you’re headed.

We developed techniques to help him remind himself of her strengths. Every Sunday morning, he’d send me five things he’d appreciated about his girlfriend during the previous week. (Don’t forget! I’m waiting for your email with the list of five things you liked about your date: 5goodthings@loganury.com.)

Focus on yourself first. We’re most able to love when we feel complete. The more confident and comfortable we feel about ourselves, the easier it is to give and share with others. If you can work on making yourself happy first, instead of expecting it to come from someone else, your relationships will be easier.

After the breakup, give the other person space. Don’t try to be the Nice Breakup Person. It makes you feel better but makes it harder for them to move on.

The pros of my breakup: Don’t have to worry about relocating to be near my ex’s family in Montana No more fighting about stealing the covers More time with my friends who my ex never prioritized Shorter commute since I won’t be staying at my ex’s apartment anymore No more going to work with dog hair on my clothes Don’t have to go to that expensive wedding over Labor Day weekend More time to spend working on music Don’t have to justify spending time with my brother, who my ex hated Don’t have to pretend to care about The Bachelor Chance to find a happy/healthy relationship

Try to not see the breakup as a failure but, rather, as a chance to make better decisions in the future. Update your thinking from “Time heals all wounds” to “Meaning heals all wounds.”

EXERCISE: Explore the Deeper Meaning Take some time to answer the following questions: What did you learn from this relationship? What did you learn from the breakup? How are you different from the person you were before this relationship? What changes will you make in your life as a result of this experience?

Couples who date longer before getting married have better odds of staying together, in part because that honeymoon-period high is already wearing off when they tie the knot. Their eyes are more open when they say “I do.” Couples who wait one to two years before getting engaged are 20 percent less likely to get divorced than those who wait under a year before putting a ring on it. Couples who wait at least three years before engagement are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year.

There’s no point in rushing such a momentous decision. Remember, couples who wait at least three years are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged after less than a year.

Every Sunday night, Scott and I sit down on our big white couch to talk. He always sits near the door (which I choose not to read too much into), and I sprawl out on the ottoman. He’s usually eating popcorn, and I’m still feeling stuffed from dinner. We ask each other these three questions: How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week? Sometimes this Check-In flies by in under five minutes. But when we’re having an off week, the Check-In turns into a long, intimate conversation. Sure, these discussions can be difficult, but they’re frequently important and illuminating. We try to deal with problems as they arise. It’s how we stay connected and discover new things about ourselves and our relationship. Creating this ritual lets us address what’s going on before too much time passes and too much resentment has built up.

EXERCISE: Design Your Own Check-In Ritual Sit with your partner and answer these questions together:

When do you want to have this weekly ritual? Where do you want your Check-In to take place? Think of a spot where you’re both comfortable. The couch? A favorite bench at a nearby park? What questions do you want to ask each other each week? How can you make this ritual special? For example, could you eat your favorite dessert while answering the questions, or give each other a foot massage? What will you do to check in if you’re not physically together?

In a world of Intentional Love, you design your life, you hold yourself accountable, you are honest with yourself about who you are and what you want, and most important, you course-correct when you need to. You don’t live someone else’s idea of life, you live yours. Now go out there and live intentionally ever after.