More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
No matter how often and or how earnestly we set goals, we get in our own way.
No matter how often and or how earnestly we set goals, we get in our own way.
(Knowing you shouldn’t date “bad boys” or “manic pixie dream girls” doesn’t make them any less appealing.)
(Knowing you shouldn’t date “bad boys” or “manic pixie dream girls” doesn’t make them any less appealing.)
Whereas our predecessors didn’t have to weigh where to live or what to do for a living, we make those choices now. That gives us incredible freedom to shape our identities—to pick Nashville over Atlanta, to choose whether to work as a meteorologist or a mathematician—but that freedom comes at the cost of certainty.
Whereas our predecessors didn’t have to weigh where to live or what to do for a living, we make those choices now. That gives us incredible freedom to shape our identities—to pick Nashville over Atlanta, to choose whether to work as a meteorologist or a mathematician—but that freedom comes at the cost of certainty.
Psychologists, including Barry Schwartz, professor emeritus at Swarthmore, have shown that while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.
Psychologists, including Barry Schwartz, professor emeritus at Swarthmore, have shown that while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.
In behavioral science, we know mindset matters. Our attitudes and expectations create the context for our experience, which in turn affects how we interpret information and make decisions.
In behavioral science, we know mindset matters. Our attitudes and expectations create the context for our experience, which in turn affects how we interpret information and make decisions.
Since Romanticizers are confident they know what their future partner will look like, when they meet someone who doesn’t match that image, they won’t give that person a chance.
Since Romanticizers are confident they know what their future partner will look like, when they meet someone who doesn’t match that image, they won’t give that person a chance.
It wasn’t until around 1750 that the idea of marrying for love took hold. It all dates back to the age of Romanticism, an ideological movement that began in Europe, with philosophers waxing poetic about love, and eventually took over the world. Romanticism elevated love from “a kind of illness” to the new model for what we have come to expect from long-term relationships.
It wasn’t until around 1750 that the idea of marrying for love took hold. It all dates back to the age of Romanticism, an ideological movement that began in Europe, with philosophers waxing poetic about love, and eventually took over the world. Romanticism elevated love from “a kind of illness” to the new model for what we have come to expect from long-term relationships.
That very narrow view of this person’s looks holds you back from seeing the possibilities in front of you. If you’re not perfect, why should this person be? Stop the double standard: You’re not a movie star.
That very narrow view of this person’s looks holds you back from seeing the possibilities in front of you. If you’re not perfect, why should this person be? Stop the double standard: You’re not a movie star.
satisficing is not about settling. Satisficers may have very high standards and stop only after those standards have been met. The difference is, once they stop, they don’t worry about what else is out there. Maximizers, on the other hand, may find an option that meets their standards, but they feel compelled to explore all possibilities.
Instead of thinking about the total number of people you might date, consider how long you’re likely to actively look for a partner. Apply the rule of 37 percent to that time period. In the book Algorithms to Live By, authors Brian Christian and Tom Griffiths discuss a single man who wants to get married. “Assuming that his search would run from ages eighteen to forty, the 37% rule gave age 26.1 as the point at which to switch from looking to leaping.” That means that by the age of 26.1, he should set a meaningful benchmark from his first 8.1 years of dating—that is, the single best person
...more
If you’re not going on dates, you’re not getting closer to knowing the kind of person you want to be with long term.
Hesitaters, it’s time to set a deadline for when you’re going to start dating. I suggest three weeks from now. That’s enough time to do what you need to do first—the pre-dating work I’ve listed below—but not so long that you lose momentum.
we instinctively prefer reversible decisions to irreversible ones, this flexibility often make us less happy in the long run. We’d rather be able to change our minds—return our new phone, switch our flight to a different day, reply “maybe” to an event. But it turns out, just like the students who could switch their pictures, we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.
Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect, too—even the person you’ll eventually end up with.
we all have the same need for attachment and attention, but we develop different coping strategies to deal with our particular caregivers.
People with anxious-attachment styles often act out in order to get their partner’s attention. They might call or text an excessive number of times, threaten to leave to make the other person jealous, or withdraw and ignore phone calls to underscore a point.
when you sense yourself focusing on your partner’s shortcomings and wanting to leave because of them, try a different technique: Practice looking for the positive qualities instead. Remember that no one is perfect, and if you leave, the next person you meet won’t be perfect, either.
we can blame a cognitive error called the focusing illusion—our tendency to overestimate the importance of certain factors when anticipating outcomes, like our future happiness.
focusing on attractiveness to the exclusion of other traits ignores the fact that lust inevitably fades over time
Physical attraction can obscure long-term compatibility. Pay attention to whether or not you’re attracted to someone and focus less on how society would evaluate that person’s looks. Don’t prioritize lust over more important long-term factors.
He found women preferred the smell of the men whose genes were more dissimilar from theirs. (Coincidentally, the effect reverses for women on oral birth control. Things can get awkward when a couple marries, the woman goes off birth control, and suddenly, she’s attracted to different people.)
It’s fine to have different interests, so long as the time you spend pursuing your favorite activities doesn’t preclude you from investing in the relationship.
Modern couples often assume they can get all of their needs met by their romantic partner. They expect this one person to wear many hats—in fact, almost all of the hats; hats that had been dispersed among our social network before we were married. Expecting our partners to fulfill all our needs puts a lot of pressure on relationships. OSOs help alleviate that pressure.
They found that having multiple people you can turn to for emotional needs—rather than just one or two—leads to an increase in your overall well-being. For example, you might talk to your roommate when you’re angry and depend on your sister when you’re sad.
You can get a sense of how kind someone is by paying attention to how they treat people from whom they don’t need anything. Are they nice to the waiter? Do they give up their seat on the subway? Are they patient with new team members who are learning the ropes at work? Do they treat their friends and parents with compassion?
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
But in general, old friendships indicate loyalty.
a growth mindset is much more likely to buckle down and work on improving things rather than give up on the relationship and assume things can’t be fixed.
You must understand what qualities they bring out in you, because this is who you’ll be whenever you’re with them.
He wanted to bring it up, but because he believed that avoiding conflict was a sign of a healthy relationship, he didn’t. He grew more and more resentful of her over time.
The goal is not to convince each other to change or even to come to an agreement—it’s to find a productive way to live with this difference.
Successful couples are able to break the intensity of a fight by making a joke, conceding a point, or telling their partner what they appreciate about them.
Remember that you’ll inevitably have disagreements with whomever you choose. Pay attention to how you fight. Are you able to get your point across? Do you feel heard? Does your partner make repair attempts to de-escalate the disagreement? The goal is to fight well, not to avoid fights altogether.
Our brains focus on what’s measurable and easily comparable. Apps display superficial traits, making us value these qualities even more.
“She’s a full-on Monet. It’s like a painting, see. From far away, it’s okay, but up close it’s a big ol’ mess.”
Black-and-white photos kill. Despite making up only 3 percent of posted photos, they see a 106 percent boost in likes. Consider going monochrome for your next pic.
A good transition from texting to a date might sound like this: “I’m really enjoying this conversation. Want to continue it over a walk on Sunday afternoon?”
You may have to go back and forth to find a time that works for both of you, but this way, you start to narrow down your options. It kills the excitement and momentum when you spend so much time scheduling.
The environment in which we make our choices matters.
The environment of a date is also when we meet, what we do, and the mindset we bring to it.
The point of the first date isn’t to decide if you want to marry someone or not. It’s to see if you’re curious about the person, if there’s something about them that makes you feel like you would enjoy spending more time together.
Whether you believe the date will go well or poorly, you are right.
