How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

“He slouches, he wears sweaters with holes in them,” she said. “He doesn’t open doors for me.” She smiled, surprised that she no longer cared about those superficial traits. “But he makes me laugh. He’s kind, and I feel like myself around him. He makes me feel smart and funny. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m honestly much happier than I’ve ever been.”

“We’re passionate! We care about stuff. We talk openly. We’re not the same person, so of course we’re going to fight. I know all relationships require work. And I’m choosing to invest in this one.”

These are all moments when we fall prey to the present bias, an error in judgment that causes us to place a disproportionately high value on the here and now and an inappropriately low value on the future.

But when you’re looking for a long-term partner, you want someone who will be there for you during the highs and the lows. Someone you can rely on. Someone to make decisions with. The Life Partner.

During our next meeting, I shared my response: “I want him to make me feel smart, funny, appreciated, and secure in our relationship.”

This is a problem. As management consultants love to say, “You are what you measure.” In a column on this topic for the Harvard Business Review, behavioral economist Dan Ariely wrote: “Human beings adjust behavior based on the metrics they’re held against. Anything you measure will impel a person to optimize his score on that metric. What you measure is what you’ll get. Period.”

“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Relationships are your story, write well, and edit often.”

How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week?