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February 4 - February 28, 2022
2015 study in the journal Behavioral and Brain Functions found that children with ADHD have a heightened sensitivity to positive reinforcement, which increases their ability to complete tasks. Positive reinforcements, like praise, are necessary for an ADHD brain to thrive in a relationship.
Some “easy” tasks are more challenging for someone with ADHD because of how their brain operates. •A reward, such as praise and recognition, from their non-ADHD partner will change how the ADHD brain works, making challenging tasks less difficult for them.
If things are organized, planned, and communicated effectively, tasks and goals are accomplished more efficiently. Without a strong system, things may take a lot longer to accomplish or you may see some wrecks along the way that cause major delays and frustrations.
Strategies for teaching skills that work for most brains won’t work for ADHD, though. In fact, they can have the opposite effect, leaving kids and parents frustrated and feeling like failures.
Because most adults with ADHD were raised in a home or school environment that didn’t have the knowledge and interventions that are helpful for the ADHD brain, they most likely grew up receiving more negative messages than the average child. They were likely told they weren’t trying hard enough (when they were trying really hard) or that they were careless, lazy, or forgetful. They were probably also on the receiving end of anger and frustration from the adults in their lives who didn’t understand how an ADHD brain works and how to help them succeed.
adults who received a lot of negative messages as a child will translate all feedback as criticism even though there may be nothing critical in the statement itself.
They start hearing criticism in casual statements and respond in an intense way in an effort to protect themselves.
ADHD brains generally can’t filter out stimulation, so they are usually paying attention to everything at once, making it difficult to pay attention to the task at hand.
It can be frustrating when one partner is multitasking and/or can’t seem to focus on what the other partner is saying. Smartphones can be a huge distraction for an ADHD brain—along with most brains, of course. Many partners may feel like the other person’s phone takes priority over them, which can cause resentment. When couples embrace or gaze deeply into each other’s eyes (as opposed to their smartphones!), the human brain releases the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is known as the bonding or love hormone; it helps people feel close and connected. If either person is distracted by random stimuli
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Organizing and planning don’t come naturally for the ADHD brain, so they tend to be weak in this area. Because their brain is focused on all the information around them, they can’t figure out where to start. They may also end up focusing on one small aspect of a task without keeping the end goal in mind and thereby never reaching it.
Emotional Regulation Strong emotional regulation is the ability to separate emotional input from one’s behavior.
ADHD brains tend to feel things intensely. They are also processing more information at once so it can be overwhelming for their brains to be able to identify their emotions, which then makes it a challenge to regulate them.
you both need to take ownership of your relationship and discover new ways of connecting, communicating, and functioning.
Relationship Pillars—praise, acknowledgment, games, growth mindset, and positive acceptance—can
Praise is fuel for an ADHD brain. It can act as a great motivator. The more praise a person with ADHD gets, the better they function. This is because receiving praise gives the ADHD brain the extra dopamine a neurotypical brain would receive just from completing a task. Praise can also decrease activity in the default mode network, making it possible to successfully complete tasks.
In a neurodiverse relationship, big and small celebrations need to be part of your everyday life.
Each of you must acknowledge the effort and sacrifice you are both making to strengthen your relationship. Recognizing that your brains work differently is essential. A basic understanding of ADHD will help you successfully separate the ADHD symptoms from the partner with ADHD themselves.
We all need time for play, novelty, and adventure with our partners, but ADHD brains are at their best when they’re having fun! Chances are, the partner with ADHD likely brought this playful aspect to your relationship. Playing games and keeping things new and interesting is a must in any relationship, but without some fun and games, an ADHD brain can start to feel suffocated. The best way to keep things fresh and fun and help the partner with ADHD get things done is to turn tasks into games. Also, engaging together in fun, novel activities can help the partner with ADHD stay focused and help
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relationship growth mindset is the idea that a relationship will grow and develop over time with the correct input. The focus is on the effort made; this is more important than getting it correct the first time.
a couple understands that they are both growing individually and relationally, it will help them stay connected and motivated to learn more about their relationship when times are tough.
Positive acceptance means seeing your partner for who they are, including their strengths and challenges, and still holding them in positive regard. This means starting a conversation from a place where you recognize your partner is a good and caring person. It means separating your partner’s worth from their challenges, whether you are the one with or without ADHD. It also means both of you are allowed to be yourselves, even though you function differently. This often ties into setting boundaries based on your values and needs, which we’ll discuss later in the book.
Oftentimes, the partner with ADHD feels unappreciated or unvalued despite how hard they’re working to please their partner.
Since most people with ADHD don’t prioritize the same things as their non-ADHD partner, their efforts in these areas are often to make their partner feel good or satisfied. But instead of receiving recognition and appreciation for their efforts, they are often on the receiving end of their partner’s frustration.
adults with ADHD struggle with the executive function skills that are necessary to maintain a household. Because they haven’t been taught effective strategies for their non-neurotypical brain, they are often working harder to complete tasks that are important to their partner. If their partner does not understand how hard they are working, they dismiss their efforts or get frustrated when simple tasks are not completed or performed the way they would like them to be. The relationship pillars of acknowledgment and praise are lacking here.
When the non-ADHD partner isn’t acknowledging their effort, the partner with ADHD tends to disconnect and disengage from them.
neurological differences in an ADHD brain can make it challenging for them to focus on putting things away. When they are tidying up, they are generally working quite hard. If they only receive criticism in response, a toxic environment is created.
non-ADHD partner may begin to feel neglected in the relationship. Feeling solely responsible for maintaining the home can lead to frustration and resentment.
executive functions to initiate and complete tasks are challenging for the ADHD brain, the uninformed partner without ADHD interprets this action as lack of care. They believe that if their partner really was trying, things would get done. They feel hurt that their partner doesn’t care how much work they’re leaving for them. And when they see their partner doing similar tasks for others, it causes even more pain and strife.
consequences. The lack of praise in the relationship creates a negative environment for the ADHD brain, where it will begin to look for praise in other places instead of from the relationship.
Weak attention skills also contribute to feelings of neglect. As ADHD brains pay attention to everything, they may seem distracted or unable to relax with their partner.
ADHD brain loves the novelty and excitement of a new relationship and will be more engaged with their partner when the relationship is fresh.
Remember to make each request using a growth mindset, which establishes that you are in this relationship to grow and learn together.
identifying what you value as a couple in a relationship.
There are no right or wrong goals. This is about both of you creating your shared vision of what an ideal relationship looks like and being accountable for it.
Because ADHD brains often struggle with simple tasks, they probably received a lot of negative messages during their formative years. They were likely often told that they were careless, forgetful, lazy, uncaring, unmotivated, or annoying by teachers, parents, and friends. Because of this, many adults with ADHD have internalized a belief that they aren’t good enough. They feel inadequate or ashamed because it feels like they can’t do things as easily as others. They become hypersensitive to other people’s disappointment in them. These experiences can create a criticism filter in their brain
Although these strategies may help get the mundane tasks done, they come at a big cost to their self-esteem, mental health, and ultimately to their relationship with others.
ADHD brain often has intense emotional reactions to their perception of failing or disappointing their partner. Due to their early life experiences with criticism and their desire to avoid disappointing others, they can hear criticism when there isn’t any, which can be a confusing experience for the non-ADHD partner.
Everyone disappoints their partner from time to time, but this doesn’t make them any less worthwhile.
“I Failed!” This strategy is adapted from a warm-up exercise that’s often used in improv classes. Each partner takes a bow or curtsey (being as silly or creative as possible with the movement) and states, “I failed.” The other person claps loudly and exclaims, “You learned!” Practice this exercise multiple times until it becomes comfortable. The next time either of you feels like a failure, take a bow and say, “I failed.” The other person will respond by clapping and saying, “You learned!” This activity may seem silly, but it is effective at changing patterns and learning to accept failure as
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as the partner with ADHD, you think you hear blame or criticism, ask your partner if you heard them correctly. Repeat back what you heard. Your brain may be drawing from past experiences that make it sound like the statement is bigger than what your partner actually intends.
As the non-ADHD partner, if your partner reacts defensively to something you say, you can help your partner practice this strategy by asking if they heard blame or criticism in your comment.
The non-ADHD partner starts feeling frustrated and helpless because their support doesn’t seem to make a difference in their loved one’s life.
Most adults with ADHD today didn’t receive therapy to learn effective strategies for their weaker executive function skills during their formative years. Left to its own devices, the ADHD brain realized that it does better in a crisis and, as a result, developed certain strategies:
Turn mundane tasks into large projects and emergencies to help them focus.
Note heathy
Imagine rejection or criticism.
Because ADHD brains use stress to focus, they may not be aware of the effect on others.
Adults with ADHD function better with routines and schedules (even though they resist them in the beginning).
Set aside 5 to 10 minutes each evening for a quick daily check-in as a couple. Try to do it at the same time and in the same environment—for
During this check-in, each partner should share something they are grateful for, something they are excited about, and something that was challenging for them. The other partner listens with their full attention.
If, as the non-ADHD partner, you are sacrificing something to support your partner, let them know. You may think that your partner needs your support because they are stressed out, but you may be mistaken. This may be normal for them. Asking them if they need your support and then sharing the emotional cost of giving that support can help you both understand what each of you needs in that situation.
