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February 4 - February 28, 2022
Distraction is what ADHD is known for, and being distracted is what impacts so many areas of a relationship. As discussed in chapter 2, distraction can suggest to a partner that the other person doesn’t care about them.
The ADHD brain is not very good at judging how long it will take to complete a task. They may pile on activities to make the tasks ahead feel more like a big, exciting puzzle or project. They’ve likely noticed over the years that if they have downtime during a transition, they’ll become distracted and won’t get to their next task. A common strategy they come up with is cramming too many things into the day.
Most environments are set up for the success of the neurotypical brain, so when I work with people who have ADHD my key phrase is “Make the environment work for you.” Creating an environment in which the ADHD brain can thrive is life changing for the person and the couple. An ADHD coaching group or a therapist can be extraordinarily helpful here. In the meantime, here are two strategies to get started.
A schedule can support someone with weak organization and planning skills. The more routine you can make a task, the more it becomes like second nature, and the easier it is for you to accomplish your to-dos.
What’s interesting is that the ADHD brain thrives with a schedule but often resists following one.
Due to the lack of fully developed working memory, someone with ADHD tends to remember just the major task that needs to be done and forgets the little steps in between. This often means they misjudge how long a task will take, believing it will take less time than it actually requires—despite how many times they have experienced the consequences of this misjudgment.
each partner is a unique individual who views and manages time differently than the other.
Emotional outbursts have the potential to do the quickest and most damage to your relationship. Without knowing how to communicate in a healthy and productive way, intense negative emotions can lead to ugly verbal attacks between loved ones.
pattern of angry outbursts is much less likely to occur if the partner with ADHD feels secure in the relationship—especially
One of the most challenging and frustrating experiences for someone with ADHD is dealing with the combination of having weak attention and working memory. Not being able to focus on one thing (attention) means they miss pertinent information when they get distracted. Not being able to remember things (working memory) means that if they did manage to pay attention, they may quickly forget it.
“Yes, I did.” It can be unnerving for the ADHD brain to realize that they actually don’t remember. It takes a huge leap of trust to believe their partner’s words instead of their own memory. Even if the partner with ADHD knows their memory isn’t great, they often feel blamed for forgetting and/or aren’t even aware of how many things they’ve missed.
two strategies that can help the partner with ADHD strengthen their working memory to help reduce conflict in the relationship.
rephrase memory issues as a challenge that you can tackle together instead of immediately getting upset that you forgot again.
acknowledgment and praise
Oftentimes, a neurotypical partner will make ultimatums or threaten severe consequences if their partner doesn’t start remembering to do things.
discuss some ways your partner might acknowledge that they forgot something that will help you accept and move past it.
statement of recognition and validation.
Humor.
There aren’t any magical solutions that will make someone remember or take away all the frustration you might feel when something has been forgotten. But knowing how to mitigate the damage when forgetfulness happens goes a long way toward strengthening your relationship.
Even if you think your partner with ADHD heard what you said, it’s helpful to make a habit of asking them to repeat what they understood you
Speak in positives, not negatives. Instead of saying, “Don’t forget,” say, “Please remember.”
acknowledgment and praise when navigating how to organize stuff.
more steps it takes to put away an item, the more chances are that it won’t be put away.
the continued clutter is a reflection of their partner’s weak executive function skills in attention and organization and planning—not on how much they care about their partner.
It is important for the non-ADHD partner to remember that they are asking their partner to do something challenging because it matters to them. Acknowledging and recognizing when their partner makes an effort to declutter supports their goal of having an organized house.
Pay attention to when your partner straightens up around the house or puts something away in the right place. Praise their efforts and express your appreciation.
If your partner did happen to “miss a spot” and you want to say something, make sure you start and end with recognizing and appreciating what they did do well.
five-to-one ratio of praise to improvement.
labeled bins in your home can be an effective system for both types of brains in a neurodiverse relationship.
Since it’s often more important to the non-ADHD partner to have an organized home, that partner is responsible for setting up the routine and providing positive reinforcement.
Spend 5 to 10 minutes every morning for a partner chat. During this time, each of you will share three positive affirmations regarding the other person or your relationship.
possible when the neurotypical partner is willing to let go of some expectations around how things need to get done.
A growth mindset encourages you to support each other as individuals and as a couple in moving forward in your relationship. •Positive acceptance means that no matter any diagnosis, you are both good and worthwhile people. •Acknowledgment of the stigma around ADHD can make it less challenging to seek help. •The act of giving each other praise for being courageous and making the effort to do something hard is the encouragement you each might need. •Celebrating the hard stuff and making space for games reassures you both that your relationship is resilient and can be rewarding.
Sometimes the neurotypical partner thinks that if their partner with ADHD got treatment, all their relationship problems would go away. However, both partners’ behavior is more than likely contributing to the issues the couple is facing.
Although the neurotypical partner may be coming from a helpful place, they may be communicating their message in a way their partner finds unhelpful, which contributes to the issues the couple is facing.
Adults with ADHD often do better with tasks that can become part of their daily routine (washing dishes, nightly pickup) or things that they find fun. Try to divide up responsibilities so that they are independent of each other.
ADDitude Magazine
“How to ADHD”
reasonable expectation from your partner with ADHD will help you take care of yourself and the relationship.
Being accountable for your part in a relationship is critical to the success of your relationship. It allows both partners to accurately acknowledge and discuss challenges, so that things can be better in the future. Without it, you would never be able to apologize or make a repair. Being accountable makes you a better person, not a failure.
important thing in a relationship is not preventing a negative experience (they are inevitable) but knowing how to repair it. Being in a relationship means that you will disappoint someone, hurt someone, and mess up, and they will do the same to you. Knowing how to make it better is more important than not doing it in the first place, because that’s nearly impossible. Getting good at being accountable, apologizing, and repairing will help your relationship and you in the long term. Apologizing is an investment in your relationship.
Five Relationship Pillars—praise, acknowledgment, growth mindset, games, and positive acceptance—will
