Diary of a Void

by Emi Yagi

“Glad to hear it. And you’ve given up your usual premade lunches. When a woman’s pregnant, she’s got to do her very best to take care of herself.” For about a week, I’d been making my own lunches.

why not everyone but the pregnant women should take care of them... this doesn't sit well in my head

Like, if he really loves her, shouldn’t he just stop her before she does anything stupid enough to piss off the whole world?”

i think it's not working like that?? people will still be mad at you even if you're careful or smt

As I wondered how I was going to pull this off, I felt something falling inside me. A warm, soft mass. Something like the innards of a dissected bird . . . A vision of the chicken liver I’d eaten last week flickering before my eyes, I headed straight for the elevator.

this is what i feel when i have my period lmao

Isn’t that what people always did? Go their own way, never even bothering to let you know? One moment they’re there, the next they’re gone. And it all happens so quietly that you don’t even realize they aren’t there anymore.

You’re just not the type who would have a boy,

maksud lo???

I just hope you managed to live your life the way you wanted, to take naps when you felt like it, to know yourself by a name that made sense to you. . .

Who was I to determine what kind of person someone else should become?

The internet’s a great place for finding out about stuff you’re kind of interested in, but it can’t really help with the things you really want to know. It’s even worse for things you don’t know anything about.

Maybe that’s what making a family is all about: creating an environment in which people make space for one another—maybe without even trying, just naturally, to make sure that nobody’s forgotten.

So this is the price to pay. For creating another person, for spinning words.

“Sure, he helps and all, but he’s still basically a stranger.” “A stranger?” “Yeah, his part was simple, right? All he had to do was ejaculate. After that, my body took care of the rest. I got bigger, I threw up, sometimes I couldn’t even move. Sure, sometimes he’d notice and offer support. And, yeah, he cried when Yuri was born, but as far as he’s concerned, he just came inside me, then months later here was this baby girl. I know women are the only ones who can give birth, but once the baby’s born, why the hell should our roles be so different? Breastfeeding, I get, but what about everything else? Don’t tell me you need more time to figure out how to be a dad. Like, what have you been doing for the last nine months? Don’t just sit there and watch. This isn’t a field trip! You say you’ve got work, but what about me? I’ve got work, too! Well, I did. I know it paid nothing compared to what you make. . . . Anyway, isn’t that what paternity leave is for? I’m not saying take it right now, but did it occur to you that maybe I could work and you could stay at home? Did it even occur to you? Why should I act so grateful just because you changed your daughter’s diaper one time? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I’m worn out? Maybe it has, but, what, you think that’s just part of being a mom? Do you think he knows how it feels, Sheeba? Do you think he gets it? Even though he’s maybe eight inches away, blissfully asleep, he’s more of a stranger than some random politician I’v...

Don’t you think it’s weird how in an age of cryptocurrency and telework, childbirth—something experienced by pretty much half the world’s population—is still so hard and so painful?

Even if it is just a lie. The world’s what we make it, right? Even if it’s just us, on our own—with the whole world against us.