Diary of a Void

by Emi Yagi

People seemed to be under the impression, at least in my section, that if they made coffee for somebody else, it would signify some deep personal inadequacy.

Isn’t that what people always did? Go their own way, never even bothering to let you know? One moment they’re there, the next they’re gone. And it all happens so quietly that you don’t even realize they aren’t there anymore.

I just hope you managed to live your life the way you wanted, to take naps when you felt like it, to know yourself by a name that made sense to you. . . .

The internet’s a great place for finding out about stuff you’re kind of interested in, but it can’t really help with the things you really want to know. It’s even worse for things you don’t know anything about.

I’m sure some people spend a lot of money and energy on those plans, more than I could ever imagine.

Maybe that’s what making a family is all about: creating an environment in which people make space for one another—maybe without even trying, just naturally, to make sure that nobody’s forgotten.

I suddenly wanted something of my own, something to make space for. Even if it was just my own and no one else could even see it—something like a lie. And maybe if I could really hold on to that thing, a snowy night like tonight might become something else, something just a little different.

There was something inside me, moving. The world around me was blurry with raindrops, but I could still see shop signs and the tops of people’s heads as they drifted by.

So this is the price to pay. For creating another person, for spinning words.

:(((((

How does anybody keep this up? Are they superhuman or what? Am I supposed to hang the piles of laundry and do all the cleaning while carrying this kid the whole time? The second I put her down on the bed, she starts screaming.

The real problem’s my husband. What good is he? At night, when Yuri’s crying, he gets all pissed off about how he has to go to work in the morning.

All he had to do was ejaculate. After that, my body took care of the rest.

girl. I know women are the only ones who can give birth, but once the baby’s born, why the hell should our roles be so different? Breastfeeding, I get, but what about everything else? Don’t tell me you need more time to figure out how to be a dad.

I feel more alone with him than I do when I’m on my own.”

They can never take your place. They can’t even understand you. Because they’re not you. I mean, I’m standing right here with you, Hosono, and there’s no way for me to really get how depleted you are, how exhausted.”

nothing to do with how hard things are for you, Hosono. But I’m always so alone. I guess I should be used to it by now. That’s the way it is from the moment we come into this world, but I’m still not used to it—how alone we all are.”

“Even if it’s a lie, it’s a place of my own. That’s why I’m going to keep it. It doesn’t need to be a big lie—just big enough for one person. And if I can hold on to that lie inside my heart, if I can keep repeating it to myself, it might lead me somewhere. Somewhere else, somewhere different. If I can do that, maybe I’ll change a little, and maybe the world will, too.”