The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self

by Martha Beck

we trust that in this moment, everything is all right, just as it is. We don’t have to trust that we’ll be okay in ten minutes or ten seconds, only in this razor-thin instant called NOW.

If we do this repeatedly, we discover something remarkable: by dropping resistance to whatever is happening right now, we are always able to cope.

I didn’t even need hope anymore, because I wasn’t worried. I was just tired.

“What upsets people is not what happens to them, but their thoughts about what happens.”

Our worst psychological suffering comes from thoughts that we genuinely believe, while simultaneously knowing they aren’t true.

Believing things that aren’t true for us at the deepest level is the commonest way in which we lose our integrity.

The most moral, well-meaning people often have the biggest infernal landscapes, filled with the most frightening demons.

Virgil keeps urging Dante to do three things: observe the demons, ask questions about them, and move on.

First, we must become the observers of our suffering, instead of drowning

Second, we must question each belief that traps us in misery until we figure out where it diverts...

You don’t have to believe any of your own new ideas. Just keep working on this exercise until you find the part of yourself that is capable of doubting your demons.

And nobody is sure of the future.

nothing to do with adult diapers. By “incontinence,” Dante means any inability to control an aspect of one’s own behavior.

Like all suffering, it stems from believing things that aren’t true.

“Rankling” is literally the pain of an unhealed wound getting worse.

Whatever our uninvestigated false beliefs, they cause pain. And we often try to cope with that pain by doing things we don’t want, don’t understand, and can’t control.

The reason I ignored all these signals and kept working was that I’m strongly attached to a belief that’s very common in our culture: continuing to work is always more virtuous than stopping to rest.

Write it here:

I’ve recently smoking even though I’ve tried to stop

Yesterday, I’ve smoked after long day of work because I can’t focus doing my own work, the work keep piling up, and my friend seem not interested at work as well. I’ve spent my time eating with someone I’m not really comfortable with and I have lot’s of emotions happening around me. It’s just too hard to bear all of these emotions, I turn myself to drink and smoke

I was thinking about not being able to meet all of my friends expectations of me. I believe only by doing whatever they want I could be with them when in fact I’m just tired of pleasing them. I just want to eat in silence without saying anything because I was tired.

First, Katie asks the simple question “Is that thought true?” Then she follows up with slightly different wording: “Can you absolutely know that thought is true?”

In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao [Way], every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

It can be frightening to let go of such beliefs. Won’t people think you’re wrong? Won’t they judge you? Yes, dear reader, they will.

violence and anger are very different things. Anger is a normal, healthy response to injustice or ill-treatment. Violence, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is intended to “hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.”

Healthy anger makes judgments, discerning what is fair and what isn’t.

But there’s only one massive lie that turns us toward violence. It is the fundamental belief of the righteous brain. It says, “I can fix everything that upsets me by destroying my enemies.”

core value is:

Freedom to love love compassionately compassionately courgeus

Maya Angelou wrote, “Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”

Going blind and deaf to our own pain means we don’t realize that we must leave dangerous situations or people.

“Never allow others to treat you in ways you would never treat someone else.”

If someone in your life consistently hurts you, ask yourself if you would treat anyone else the way you’re letting yourself be treated. If the answer is no, then to stay in integrity you must start thinking of ways to change the situation. This may take courage, ingenuity, civil disobedience, and time. But to accept your own mistreatment is to participate in a lie.

This separation from life and love makes everything seem pointless. It’s also exhausting. Hiding our crimes, acting cheerful despite hidden anguish, or lying to impress people requires a constant, sustained effort.

It isn’t just our brains that struggle when we lie; our bodies weaken and falter as well.

Deciding not to lie can lessen such symptoms almost immediately.

stop lying to the person or institution that bothers you, and tell the whole truth instead.

But stop lying to yourself.

These aspects of ourselves—the noble and the loving—are the qualities we betray when we leave our integrity. This leads to deep, wordless suffering, a frozen-in anguish that continuously punishes us.

Accepting responsibility is honest, but blaming ourselves when we did nothing wrong is cruel, deceptive, and devastating.

I lied about me enjoying all of my time with friends

I’m hiding the fact that sometimes our conversations are not enjoyable and I feel like I’m giving too much for them while they give minimum efforts

My friends

I’m afraid that they will exclude me from the group and I’m feeling left out

They’ll think of me as nagging and codependent

They will feel how I can’t communicate my needs to them even question whether or not I trust them

I want them to spend some space with me to figure out together what I’m feeling and I’m thinking and not only about them. I want them to be on my side instead of always talking.

My friends

All their cheating, all their fudging, all their repressing, all their fraud and betrayal, is driven by some version of one single lie: I am not loved.

I’m not loved and being left alone

But bad things happening to powerless people are uncomfortable for everyone.

I’m telling you this story to confirm your suspicions that absolute honesty really might end some of your relationships. If that happens, the fear of being alone may feel very, very true. Unbearably true. But it’s still worth telling,