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“What if I can’t give you more?” I say. “What if this is my best-case scenario?” Baz is dismissive. “I don’t believe that.”
“Are you saying you don’t want more?” “Are you barking? Of course I want more!” He relaxes again. “Then I’m confident we’ll get there … someday, I don’t know, eventually. Honestly, Simon, this isn’t even our biggest problem.”
“Baz, if you really don’t want me to be ashamed of what a complete and utter shambles I am, you can’t be ashamed of your thing either. You already know I don’t care—I’ve known you were a vampire since we were fifteen!”
“Yeah, and you tried to fucking Van Helsing me, Snow!” “I never properly tried…” He frowns. “Have you ever made an effort with me?”
Oof
somehow I’m still here, and he’s still here, and even though I still feel like a hopeless case, this thing between us doesn’t feel hopeless at all.
as soon as Baz is unhappy, that’s all I can think about. I’m crazy about all his little fretful faces, and I also want to be the thing that chases them away.
<3
“I just want to be with you,” I say. “And this is where we are now. I’m a broken-down mess, and you’re a rat-drinking monster.”
Facts
He’s unbelievable! He wants me to drink his blood? As if not drinking his blood hasn’t been my primary concern since my fangs grew in!
I thought maybe Snow didn’t want to share a bed with me because he was afraid I’d bite him in my sleep. But apparently that’s fine! Bloodletting is fine—intimacy is the real taboo!
wouldn’t you know
“You really were obsessed with me, weren’t you? I can’t believe you didn’t know you were gay.” “I’m not gay,” Simon says. Immediately. I stop and turn back to him. “Oh. I’m sorry. I suppose, I mean—” We’ve never really talked about this. I’ve just assumed … I don’t know what I’ve assumed. “Are you bi, then?” “What?” He looks put off. “No.” “Well…”
“Haven’t you thought about it a little? Since us?” “What’s there to think about? I’m with you. And you’re a…” He trails off. “Man,” I say flatly. Simon shrugs. “I was going to say ‘boy.’” “I’m twenty years old. I could go to war.”
“Yeah, but why are you being serious? Is this important? Is this, like, our second-biggest problem? Me not knowing what colour flag to hold at the Pride Parade?” “I didn’t think it was a problem,” I say. “But you’re being a real twat about it. So maybe it is.”
back when I was going to all your football matches and hiding outside your violin lessons.”
Wait he what
“I thought you were trying to figure out whether I was a vampire,” I say. I really did. He’s exasperated: “I already knew you were a vampire!”
“Are you saying you liked me? In fifth year?” “Baz, I was obsessed with you.” “I knew that. But you liked me?”
“But you wanted to kiss me?” “I wanted to jump on you. I didn’t really think past that.” “Plus ça change…” “Fuuuck you,” he says, extravagantly. “I know that’s French for something smug.”
“But you liked Agatha then, right? In fifth year?” “Yeah. I suppose.” I get ahead of him a bit. “You were attracted to Agatha,” I say over my shoulder, like it’s nothing to me, “right?”
Try to play it cool i dare you
“I’ve what?” “You and Agatha. You, um…” “Dated? Yes. Though she never took me midnight rat hunting. She wouldn’t even go to the cinema with me. She said—” I interrupt him. “You had sex, right?”
Knew I’d get the answer to this one
“Calm your tits” - Simon Snow
People talk about previous partners.” “You’ve never mentioned any.” I lash out: “I don’t have any, you halfwit! Don’t you think you’d have uncovered them when you stalked me for three years?”
SI SOY
“I don’t know how you spent your summers!” “Reading!” I say. “Violin! Playing Mario Kart with my sister!”
Baz come into my life NOW
“Were you never actually plotting against me?” “I plotted a bit. I was over it by sixth year.”
I sound flustered. Because I am. And it’s all my own fault. Give me a little bit of honest communication, and I open the floodgates.
Nah that is literally me. And then you just overthink the ENTIRE THING because you feel like you exposed yourself too much
Next I’ll be asking him if he wants children. “Look, I’m just going to drink these now.” Simon seems confused. “Right,” he says. “What do you need me to do?” “Turn away.” He does.
So you’re telling me that simon managed to successfully turn the conversation and not answer THE question… I’m impressed
“Not if can help it. I slit their throats.” “I’d like to see that.” “You’re a pervert.” “I just appreciate a job well done.” I untangle one of the rats. “Does Wellbelove?” “Hey—” Simon turns around. He looks angry. Finally.
tzz
“We had sex,” he says. “We dated a really long time.” I startle, splashing blood on my white shirt. I throw the rat to the ground. “That’s good,” I say, strained. Simon sounds frustrated. “Is it?” “Wasn’t it?” “It was fine, it was sex. Are you done?”
Yhank you for the information sir. ?
“I don’t know if I was attracted to her…” Simon says. “You had sex,” I gurgle. “Yeah, but what does that mean?” I make a disbelieving noise in my throat. I’m trying to swallow. “It was just going through the motions,”
Girl promise me you won’t tell it like that to her
everything with Agatha was just going through the motions, wasn’t it? I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to sort out my feelings—
How will I ever be big enough to hold my feelings for this person? I felt plenty big enough! My feelings felt extremely manageable.
“All I really know is that nothing I’ve experienced so far compares to you. Maybe that makes me gay.” He swallows. “Or maybe that just makes me yours.”
“Yours”
“Can I watch you finish ’em?” I close my eyes. “Fine.” “Ha! I knew you’d say yes in the end.” As if I could ever deny him.
I can’t believe I’m sitting in Baz’s bed. I can’t believe he let me hunt with him. I can’t believe I’m still here.
The power of comunication
“Do you want my help with the shirt?” Baz gave me a clean T-shirt, but I left it on the dresser. “If it’s all the same to you”—I shrug one shoulder and twitch my wing—“it’s easier to sleep without one.” Baz nods and licks his bottom lip. “Yeah, it’s … all the same to me.”
Eyebrow giggle
put my arm around him. “This okay?” “Yeah,” he says. “Pretty much always.” “Yeah?” “Yeah, Snow. There’s no use denying it.”
“It’s good. It’s better already, isn’t it?” “Better than what?” he asks. (I think he knows the answers to half the questions he asks me. He just likes to make me talk.)
he lays his head on my shoulder. I like this. It makes him seem shorter than me.
Baz sets his hand on my chest. I don’t think he’s ever touched me here, bare, when we weren’t fooling around, or trying to. Maybe he’s trying to …
😗
“I like your chest,” he says. “That’s because you remember what I looked like before I got fat.” “Nonsense, Snow. You’re not fat.” I bloody well am. But, as Baz would say, it’s not my biggest problem.
“You used to get so thin over the summers…” He traces his fingertips over my heart. I shiver and cover hi...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Baz turns his face to kiss my chest. “You’re not fat. I like you like this.”
<3
“Is there a way you don’t like me?” I say it like it’s a joke. But I bite my lip. He looks up through his eyelashes and shakes his head. Christ, he makes me feel warmed through.
didn’t you get my texts?” “Yeah, sorry, I—” “Was ghosting me, your boyfriend of eighteen months, hoping I’d get the message and silently fade away?” I sigh. “It’s like you don’t want me to forget even for a second that you’re merciless.”
Baz tweaks my nipple. “I don’t want you to think this is all a dream.” “Hey!” I squirm and squeeze his hand. “Hey … I’m sorry. About the texts, specifically.”
“You haven’t told me in any detail.” He pushes up his glasses. “That’s because I feel like you’re going to be very critical and judgmental.” “Shepard, it’s impossible to think without being critical and judgmental. That’s literally the process.”
“I’m only three years older than you, Agatha.” Is that true? Could Niamh have already made that many bad skin-care choices?
“My last name. It’s Love.” “You’re joking.” He takes another bite, still smiling. “I am not. Feel free to call me that if it feels less familiar.” “Ugh, you’re inherently impossible.”
You can soften up a source by sharing things about yourself. It’s like saying, This is a safe place for intimacy.
talk. I like being such a good listener that they sort of forget about me. Most people really like to talk about themselves; it doesn’t take much encouragement.
True
Then he reaches for my face, and for a completely absurd moment, I think he might be trying to kiss me good-bye—but he’s just rubbing chalk from my chin.
Yo
I could have hugged him in that moment. And then I realized that I could hug him. That nothing was stopping me. I wrapped my arms around him, under his wings, and held tight.
