Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them

by Karl Pillemer

we overestimate our own emotional problems in comparison with others’, because most of us suppress our negative emotions when we are out in public.

We are, as the psychologist Alexander Jordan has pointed out, “embarrassed by our own sadness.” He explains: “With everyone reluctant to express their genuine attitudes lest they be embarrassed or rejected by peers, people end up feeling more alone in their private attitudes than is warranted.”

We then will explore the damaging effects of life in the rift, both for those involved in estrangements and for others who are unwillingly pulled into them.

I’m not going to drain myself. I feel like I’ve wasted far, far too much of my inner and outer life wrestling with family-of-origin issues.

Even though many people leave equal amounts of money to their offspring,

Even when the distribution of the financial portion of the estate is equal, some possessions cannot be divided.

perceived as fair. For example, a daughter who gave up work to care for her frail parents may expect

to receive a greater portion of the estate than her brother who never even visited.

When it comes to the behavior of family members, our expectations are affected by the norm of solidarity; that is, that our kin should help us out when we need it.

Family relations are also influenced by the norm of reciprocity;

I discovered that perceived violation of norms was particularly likely to occur among siblings who struggled with differing understandings of the norms for mutual support and assistance.

When it comes to choosing friends, “birds of a feather” is much more accurate than “opposites attract.”

general, when family members have common values, they tend to more strongly identify with one another, have similar goals, and agree on how those goals should be reached. We

Instead, the person’s very worth as a human being, deserving of respect and autonomy, is called into question. The relative comes to embody the rejection of values another holds sacred, and any sense of tolerance is lost. Resolution is extremely difficult, because the “ask” is not trivial; it is essentially a request to become a different person.

The accumulation of unpleasant contacts becomes highly aversive, creating difficulty making decisions about hot-button issues like the distribution of an inheritance or the care of an older parent. Establishing new ground rules for communication is a key component of trying out a reconciliation.

Throughout much of history, relations between the generations and with extended family members were conducted under rigid social rules about proper conduct. Nowadays, people struggle to reconcile different value systems regarding what family members ought to do for one another and feel at a loss for rules to guide their behavior.

Human nature is such that our happiness depends on reliable, secure, and predictable social relationships, and without them we feel lost.

First, I discovered that estrangement meets the criteria for what researchers term “chronic stress,”

Second, estrangement disrupts biologically based patterns of attachment, causing anxiety and insecurity.

Third, family rifts involve social rejection, which research shows is extraordinarily damaging. Fourth, estrangement violates a basic psychological need for certainty, instead cre...

People describe estrangement in precisely these terms: a form of chronic stress that never goes away.

It may be punctuated at times by a burst of contact from the estranged relative, followed by silence. It is characterized by attempts to reach out that become highly stressful sources of disappointment.

Scientists have shown us another fact about chronic stress that helps explain the unending distress of estrangement. It’s not just the actual events that stress us; additionally, simply thinking about the situation has almost identical negative effects. Psychologists call this source of stress “perseverative cognitions,” or what we laypeople might call rumination. Even if the stressor is not actually present—say, for example, the big argument with a child or parent occurred months ago—we re-create the event in our minds. We play the scene over and over in our imagination, ruminating about it long afterward. This kind of thinking has the same psychological and physical effects as the event itself, so we suffer by keeping the stress alive in our thoughts. Indeed, that’s why it’s called “chronic.”

Persistent rumination and “awfulizing”—imagining

Understanding estrangement as chronic stress helps explain why it leads to problems like depression, anxiety, insomnia, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness. It’s why people don’t “just get over it” when they are estranged. As we will see from the remaining threats, several factors keep the painful experiences alive and hinder coping and acceptance.

When people to whom they are attached are easily accessible and responsive, children feel secure; if not, children respond with anxiety.

People to whom we have lifelong attachments serve as a secure base when we are in trouble, protecting us when needed physically or psychologically. The presence of these attached figures helps us get through life’s difficulties and, more important, gives us a feeling of being at home

But research shows that losses involving social rejection have especially damaging effects.

Rejection is especially stressful because human beings have a fundamental drive toward social inclusion and belonging. Being rejected threatens our evaluations of ourselves, causing us to feel worthless and lowering our self-esteem.

also leads to potentially damaging biological processes such as inflammation. In fact, research shows that the same regions in the brain that respond to physical pain are activated by social rejection. The double whammy of a threat to self-esteem and a lack of ability to control the situation makes social rejection one of life’s most harmful experiences.

The impact of rejection, according to my interviewees, exceeds that of other losses.

When in a difficult or upsetting situation, we seek resolution, trying to avoid an open-ended, insecure state of being. Sometimes we even prefer a negative but certain outcome to being kept in limbo for a long period of time. However, for most people estrangement brings a prolonged state of ambiguity.

ambiguous loss

make us feel miserable, even if we played a role in making them happen.

“social capital.” That term refers to networks of trusted individuals who can be called upon in times of need.

But as I immersed myself in hundreds of accounts of estrangement, one military term entered my thoughts again and again: “collateral damage.”

What example is being set for children and grandchildren regarding the value of family solidarity versus self-interest?

Mine was not a family where if you have a problem with someone, you talk it out. Instead they go without talking for decades.

When a family theme of estrangement as a solution for conflict emerges, it can be hard to halt the trajectory.

Bowen theory.

Because you are close to her, you cannot avoid what social scientists call “stress contagion”—when

when devastating events to a loved one roll over into your own life. In

The developmental task for a college student is to move from dependence toward autonomy, becoming more differentiated from the family and entering into

Living through a family estrangement interrupts a smooth pathway to adult development, drawing young adults into the turmoil of their parents and other relatives as they seek to be supportive at a distance. Emotional contagion from their loved ones can permeate their own experience.

They struggled with the same issues: harsh parenting, histories of conflict, poor communication, legacies of mental illness or addiction, and bitter fights over inheritance, the care of parents, or the choice of a partner. To

When people are estranged, two very different ideas often exist at the same time, which psychologists term “cognitive dissonance.” On the one hand, Cliff felt secure and justified in his decision to cut off contact. On the other hand, a soft voice kept insisting that the estrangement just wasn’t right.

My own studies make it clear that volcanic events can take on such outsize power that they stand in the way of reconciliation. After the initial shock, they harden over time and are reinforced by rumination. Social science

Further, because estrangement events are strongly emotional, they are remembered vividly.

highly charged incident can become a reference point for how we remember everything about the relationship leading up to the event. The past history shifts as it is interpreted in light of the volcanic event.

“The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” William Faulkner’s profound observation came to mind as I talked with people dealing with estrangement. In many