Effortless: Make It Easier to Do What Matters Most

by Greg McKeown

John Gottman has spent forty years researching the science of relationships at what is officially called the Gottman Institute and is otherwise known as the Love Lab. He and his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, a respected psychologist in her own right, have written several books and are world-renowned experts on the topics of marriage and relationships. Together they may have gathered more data on the intricate workings of relationships and on the dynamics that predict divorce versus marital stability than anyone else in the field. According to the Gottmans, we all make small and large attempts to obtain affection, affirmation, and attention in our relationships. They call these bids for connection. There are three distinct ways a partner can respond to a bid for attention. We can liken these three approaches to playing a game of tennis. The first type of response is what they call “turning toward.” It’s when you come home, give your beloved a peck on the cheek, and say something like “It’s lovely weather today, isn’t it.” And your beloved might reply, “Oh, I agree. Isn’t it beautiful! Perhaps we should open some windows.” Here your partner is like the person on the other side of the court receiving your serve and hitting a solid ground stroke straight to where you are standing. It couldn’t be easier to hit the ball back, and so the volley continues. The second kind of response is “turning against.” This is where your partner might respond to your comment about the weather b...