Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Early childhood attachment experiences become the blueprint for the kinds of connections we go on to expect and seek in our adult romantic relationships.

People with secure attachment are able to internalize their partners’ love, carrying it with them even when they’re physically separate, emotionally disconnected or in conflict.

Is it honestly possible to feel safe and secure in a capitalist society that defines our human value based on what we do and how much we make, rather than who we are?

Climate Trauma is an ever-present existential threat with a bevy of constant cognitive reminders—melting ice caps; eroding shorelines; waves of homeless refugees; the ravaging storms, floods, and fires broadcast into our homes 24/7; and the constant roll-call of disappearing species, vanishing rain forests, and dying coral reefs. There are certain things in life that we cannot “unsee,” and Climate Trauma indelibly stamps our consciousness in that way, fundamentally altering the way we see the world and our place in it.

Moreover, people practicing CNM typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through.

When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM, we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy.