Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

When you ask your spouse or partner for more of their time or affection they get defensive and point out all of the professional, financial or domestic things that they do to show their commitment.

Uh oh thats me

In your relationship, the ideal of the marriage or the greater purpose of the family have become more important than the direct experience of how you treat each other.

To me, telling people who are struggling with the transition from monogamy to CNM to go back to monogamy because CNM is just too difficult would be like telling the new parents of an infant who are struggling without sleep or personal time that maybe they should just send the kid back since they didn’t have any of these issues before the child arrived.

The paradigm shift can expose all of the underground issues that a relationship already had brewing and that would have eventually ended the relationship anyway.

If we are going to point the finger at a cause of distress, it is not nonmonogamy itself, but rather the paradigm shift that people try to navigate without a map to guide them through to the other side.

True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other. Trying to practice nonmonogamy while still enmeshed with a partner can cause much strife for you and anyone new you are trying to date.

One partner being more nonmonogamous in orientation and the other partner identifying as nonmonogamous as a lifestyle choice. The difference in pursuing CNM from a lifestyle choice versus an orientation usually influences how each person moves forward with and approaches CNM. This difference can cause conflicts, hurt and many misunderstandings.

Once the security blanket of monogamy is lifted, these people are flooded with the pains of their insecure attachment past, as well as awareness of the ways they were actually relying on, even clinging to, monogamy to feel secure within themselves and in their relationship.

In the same way that monogamy can mitigate personal attachment insecurities, it can also conceal attachment insecurities that are relationally based.

CNM we may not be the only or first person that our partner turns to or the last one they say goodnight to. In CNM we are less likely to meet new partners when they or we are single and able to create a new life together.

Of course, game changers arise in monogamous relationships too, but in CNM we are intentionally going out to open our hearts and our bodies to more and different people who can potentially shake up our other relationships in unforeseen ways.

Also, and importantly, in CNM we don’t have all of the cultural and institutionalized support that our society has created for the monogamous couple.

The insecurity in CNM can actually be a good thing in that it can keep us from taking our partners for granted or becoming complacent in our relationships in ways tha...

This form of relationship can bring up levels of uncertainty that many people are not yet equipped for, especially when they don’t have enough internal secure attachment.

Research shows that it takes babies up to seven months for their attachment to their caregivers to become securely established, and for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify.60 So, while you might feel an instant resonance or connection with someone, building an actual relationship based on trust, seeing each other in multiple contexts, deeply understanding each other and relating in securely attached ways requires time.

There is a difference between being in a secure connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship.

Secure connections are with people or partners who we don’t have daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn’t passed. We are secure in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be immensely meaningful, special and important to us, but it’s not necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular maintenance and attention.

In CNM, these might be the partners we refer to as comets, satellites or casual. They’re the people who we see at special events a few times a year or our...

Securely attached relationships are based on consistency and reliability. These are the people who are there for each other in responsive and attuned ways more times than not. They are our “go-to” people who have our back and to whom we can turn when we ...

They’re the people we are excited to share our latest news or discoveries with. Sue Johnson simplifies what we are looking for in our attachment relationships through the three questions: are you avail...

But their protest can actually be a healthy sign of their attachment system detecting too much disconnection and therefore acting up in order to course-correct.

It’s the body’s inner guidance system indicating that important needs are going unmet. The insecurities arising for the partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy.

In any relationship, whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, abuse, neglect, aggression, violence, manipulation, control or gaslighting can also contribute to a fearful-avoidant attachment experience where the one you love and trust is also the one you fear and shouldn’t really trust.

create relationships that are founded on relational security instead of structural security,

Commitment Reflection Questions In each of your relationships that are already attachment-based, or for the relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, discuss the following questions with your partners:

Commitment Reflection Questions -- Wow

What does commitment mean to you? What aspects of commitment are most important to you (e.g., structural, emotional or public)?

Why do we want to be attachment figures for each other? What does being an attachment figure look like to you? Do we each have the time and availab...

The bedrock of being polysecure in our relationships is feeling that we have a safe haven to turn to. This happens when our partners care about our safety, seek to respond to our distress, help us to co-regulate and soothe and are a source of emotional and physical support and comfort. Similarly, when our partners are struggling or in need, we can be a safe haven by being there for them in warm, caring and receptive ways. When we can’t physically be there for our partners, we do as best we can to support them from a distance until we can be in physical proximity.

If I turn towards you, will you be there for me? Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me? Will you comfort me? Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system? Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life? Can we lean into and rely on each other?

The research has found that when people in all of these difficult situations have their safe haven attachment figures around them, either during or quickly after the event, they recover faster, experience less physical and emotional pain, and are less likely to have escalating symptoms of PTSD.69

Being a Secure Base for Each Other When safety is established with our attachment figures and we have an internalized felt sense that we can turn towards them and lean on them when needed, we are freed up to securely turn away from them and engage in the world, whether with them by our side or on our own. A secure base provides the platform from which we can move out in the larger world, explore and take risks. This exploration facilitates our sense of personal competence and healthy autonomy.

In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am.

Conversely, when our partners are unavailable, unresponsive or mentally elsewhere, attachment insecurity can arise, feeding the fears and doubts that we are not valued, loved or worthy.

For example, if you nest with your partner and you are both home together, but it’s not necessarily designated quality time together, or if you and a partner are on an extended trip and it’s not realistic to not talk to other partners for several days.

The paradigm shift from the monogamous mindset of I am with you because you are the only one for me to the nonmonogamous view that I am with you because you are special and unique, but not the only one, can be difficult to grasp.

With your partners, take on a gratitude practice where you set aside a regular time to each appreciate the ways in which they’ve been supportive or shown up that have been meaningful to each of you. You can share something your partner did that you are grateful for at the end of each day, or you can set aside a few minutes once a week to share your gratitude from the week.

Our attachment bonds are emotional bonds, and being able to emotionally tune into and connect with our partners is at the core of feeling safe and secure together. Attunement is a state of resonance with our partners and the act of turning towards them in an attempt to understand the fullness of their perspective and experience.

Attuning to a partner does not mean that you have to agree with them and take on their experience as your own, but it does mean that you are willing to join them in their internal emotional world and their inner state of mind in order to empathize with what they are going through. Attunement

As children, it is through being attuned to by our attachment figures, by having them mirror and match our experiences and help us make sense of our inner experiences, that we are able to then develop the ability to identify our own thoughts and emotions and subsequently self-regulate these emotional and mental states.

Soften your eyes, bring warmth to your face, open up your heart and listen.

Ask questions from genuine curiosity and the desire to truly understand, rather than from preconceived notions about what your partner has already done or what you think they should do. Be careful about asking questions that are really just searching for evidence to either make yourself feel better, to prove them wrong or to expose them as lying in some way.

Genuinely ask your partner about how they are doing, whether in general or about something specific. Use open-ended questions that encourage them to share any feelings or needs they have surrounding the situation, what their experience has been, what it means to them and how they have been impacted by it.

The outer commitment we make to a relationship through ceremonies or officially asking someone to be our partner can offer structure and definition, and the day-to-day ways that we engage with one another—the micro routines and rituals of relationship that we create—can be seen as the inner commitment we make to show up for the relationship wholeheartedly and not just because there might be an outer, more explicit commitment to rely on.

Turning Towards after Conflict In any relationship, ruptures are inevitable. Relationships are not static but an ongoing flow of harmony to disharmony, rupture and repair, connection, disconnection and back into connection again. We are all different from each other and so we are all eventually going to slip up, make mistakes, say things that we wish we could take back or forget things that are important to our partners. Even if we wanted to be, we can’t be perfectly present and attentive to our partners all the time, every time. What matters is not that we have ruptures, but how we repair them.

it is how we repair and find our way back to our partners that builds secure attachment and relational resilience.

I still recommend acquiring more communication and conflict resolution skills, but even without these, the right attitude—one of repair responsibility, humility and openness—goes far.

Our partners can be the inspiration for these things, as well as the objects or focus of our love, but they should not be the source of it. You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included).

In the absence of this, your relationships can be built upon a false premise, or, at the very least, will struggle to be sustainable.

instead, parent their own child from an earned secure stance.

All of this can leave people feeling as if they are floating in outer space with no sense of what’s up and what’s down, nothing to ground them and help them move forward.