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I devoted my life to the investigation of how we change, evolve and develop, how we can communicate healthily and effectively, how we can heal and become safely embodied in the wake of trauma, how we can unshackle our hearts from our survival-based reactivity and defenses, and how we can liberate our minds from bigotry, ignorance
and internalized oppression.
I realized that my optimism didn’t actually come from the author’s encouragement, but because I was quick to sift the useful from the useless and the relevant from the irrelevant to our nonmonogamous context.
HEALTHY ATTACHMENT IS A DEEP BOND and an enduring emotional closeness that connects people to one another across space and time.
In adulthood, relational object constancy enables us to trust that our connections and bonds with people will endure even if we’re apart.
People with secure attachment are able to internalize their partners’ love, carrying it with them even when they’re physically separate, emotionally disconnected or in conflict.
We also need to learn how to healthily rely on others and to figure out when it’s appropriate to seek support from them to help regulate our emotions.
a form of essentializing in which someone takes one part of their identity or experience and sees it as the entirety of who they are.
We are more than the problems we face.
take on an overly self-reliant outlook, valuing their hyper-independence and often seeing others as weak, needy or too dependent.
responsible for a parent’s well-being is a misplaced, confusing and overwhelming responsibility. Overstimulation.
On one hand we have the need for agency, independence and choice, and on the other hand we have the need for closeness, connection, support and union.
To navigate our relationships from a place of health and wholeness, we need to learn how to manage these seemingly contradictory drives. We need to find ways to feel sovereign without losing our connection to others, and to be in communion with others without losing our sense of self.
autonomy and connection aren’t an either/or experience but a both/and experience.
Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another—the point at which we can be both separate and connected.
Our fundamental sense of self and sense of safety in the world can be painfully called into question when the ones we are dependent on either can’t keep us safe or are the ones we need protection from.
Conversely, people with a disorganized attachment history are more likely to develop PTSD after traumatic experiences.
Single-incident traumas such as car accidents, medical procedures or a one-time assault may not have originated from this relational level, but they will also impact a person’s ability to securely attach at this level.
Friendships that function as a primary attachment can also leave a painful mark on one’s heart and a significant attachment disturbance when there is betrayal, dishonesty, ghosting or drama that ends in the loss of the friendship.
structural violence.
Zhiwa Woodbury explains that humans are being confronted with a new type of trauma that has never been confronted before—one that is ongoing and continuous without immediate solutions, and which calls into question our shared identity as humans.
we currently exist in a traumatized collective and the main symptom of being in a traumatized world is that we feel separate from each other, from the world, from spirit and from the natural world as a whole.
This means that certain mental health or physical symptoms that you are experiencing today at the self level may have actually been inherited from collective traumas that your ancestors went through generations ago.
consensual nonmonogamy is an umbrella term for the practice of simultaneously having multiple sexual or romantic partners where everyone involved is aware of and consents to the relationship structure. People practicing CNM value transparency, consent, open and honest communication, personal responsibility, autonomy, compassion, sex positivity and freedom for themselves and others.
it is through knowing our why for doing something—not just what we are doing and how we do it—that leads to success in our endeavors.
One principle of solo poly that I think everyone can benefit from is the notion of being your own primary partner and prioritizing your relationship with yourself first and foremost.
(a considerable amount of the mono-romantic ideal can actually be codependency in disguise),
If someone is pursuing multiple partners to avoid intimacy or using sex in an attempt to secure intimacy when they feel insecure, then in those cases such behaviors can be seen as an expression of insecure attachment.
Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT).
Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner.
Allow your direct experience with a partner to be the vehicle to secure attachment instead of having certain relationship concepts, narratives or structures be the vehicle.
True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two
differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other.
The paradigm shift creates an awakening of the self, where what was previously unexpressed and unrealized is now awakening in someone, potentially turning their entire world and relationships upside down.
People may not just be waking up to their nonmonogamous desires or orientation, but also aspects of their sexuality, important identities or forms of oppressions that have previously been denied, exiled or completely unacknowledged.
Securely attached relationships are based on consistency and reliability.
The bedrock of being polysecure in our relationships is feeling that we have a safe haven to turn to. This happens when our partners care about our safety, seek to respond to our distress, help us to co-regulate and soothe and are a source of emotional and physical support and comfort.
Secure base partners will not only support our explorations, but will also offer guidance when solicited and lovingly call us on our shit. They function as a compassionate mirror for our blind spots and all the ways we may be fooling ourselves, whether through self-aggrandizement or self-limitation.
I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am.
Listen with your heart. When listening to your partner, put your solution-orientated brain aside for a few minutes. Soften your eyes, bring warmth to your face, open up your heart and listen.
Abrupt departures and sudden arrivals can all be jarring to the nervous system, and hellos or goodbyes left unacknowledged can be disconnective.
you can have all the communication techniques and conflict resolution skills in the world, but they do nothing if you still have an attitude of wanting to either be right or prove your partner wrong.
You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved
You must be a priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships.
