Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM, we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy.

Yup! It is so easy to lean on the structures of a relationship and to use those structures as 'cover' for attachemnt-related issues. And, those structures are so well-entrenched in monog-normative socialization that we often believe them to be the healthy underpinning of a relationship. Unlearning the primacy of structure and hierarchy has been a fascinating part of my poly journey.

You intellectually want to feel compersion for your partner having positive experiences with others, but you keep interpreting them being with others as a sign of your deficiency.

Oh just @ me next time. I feel this connects with my only- gifted- child experiences. The imposter syndrome, the internalization of the expectations of others, and just a general sense of responsibility for 'solving' relationships. Aaaaand in monogamy these traits are easily covered by the normative structures.

a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify.

This seems like an arbitrary time. There are tooany words up for interpretation in this sentence that i can't really imagine any timeline that would emerge as generalizable here. But, ok, I can agree it takes time.

I want to make an important distinction here that we will return to again. In CNM, it is not necessary for all of our relationships to be attachment-based. There is a difference between being in a secure connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship. Secure connections are with people or partners who we don’t have daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn’t passed. We are secure in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be immensely meaningful, special and important to us, but it’s not necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular maintenance and attention. In CNM, these might be the partners we refer to as comets, satellites or casual.

Yes. This is wrestleable. I also appreciate the idea that attachment doesn't inevitably have to escalate towards soul mates. And that casual can still be secure.

as partners begin to spend more time with other people, the conditions that create increased attachment insecurity can emerge.

Oh really? -_-

The insecurities arising for the partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy. Rather, the situation and the relationship they find themselves in are no longer providing them with the same degree of attachment-based needs fulfillment that they have become accustomed to, triggering a more hyperactivated anxious preoccupied style.

Real or imagined.

Many of my clients report being highly anxious and off their emotional axis for hours, sometimes even days, before their partner goes on a date with someone else. Others seriously spiral out while the date is happening. Cognitively, they know that their partner is still alive, not abandoning them or doing anything wrong, but their body and emotions are in primal panic.

Your partner is inconsistent about the information they share about themselves, other partners or sexual activity.

Information sharing is definitely a way I feel connected to partners.

The loss of monogamy’s privileges and absence of the clear-cut path that it offers on how to navigate relationships can create new attachment ruptures and traumas, both anticipated and unanticipated.

This again connects to the difficult process of unlearning the behaviors of hiding behind monogamy's structures.

If I turn towards you, will you be there for me? Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me? Will you comfort me? Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system? Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life? Can we lean into and rely on each other?

I definitely need all of these.

Listen to each other with full attention. Inquire and share about feelings and needs. Track what is going on in each other’s lives and make sure to follow up and inquire about those things. Help in practical ways when a partner is tired or sick. Discuss or debrief events of the day or things that are important to each of you. Let your partners know how and why they matter to you.

In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am.

I was a bit unclear on the difference until this sentence.

After spending time with a partner, let them know the things you enjoyed about your time together and what specific things they did that were meaningful to you. You can do this either right when you are saying goodbye, as you are going to bed together or within a few hours or days after you were together.

Let yourself laugh and seek out humor.

Ha